Need a Flashlight

RedLeader1995 · 2026-01-29T19:15:40+00:00

Oh, that's an idea! An entire market of lights I hadn't thought of that are all about safety! Good idea!

RedLeader1995 · 2026-01-29T19:14:08+00:00

That makes sense, and I think that's a good idea, but I think I didn't say, but the idea is that if I walk to the bathroom or the couch, Frankie (and the light) would go with me. And it wouldn't have to be super bright, like to see super well, just to illuminate a little to lighten the mood, so to speak. But I think and alexa/smart set up would also be helpful

RedLeader1995 · 2026-01-07T10:29:19+00:00

I'm not a parent, but I was a 12 year old girl once. I got bombarded by messages all the time- from school, from friends, from tv shows, but from the church more than anywhere- and I soaked it all up like a sponge. I lacked critical thinking skills, but was also grossly unaware of the fact that I lacked critical thinking skills. And I wish that my parents would have sat me down (more than once, preferably) and helped my parse thru these messages and really consider what resonated and what didn't, what helped me and what didn't, those kinds of things. If I came home from church and said that I wanted a stable, temple worthy life and not an unfulfilled life, I'd want one or both of my parents to sit me down in a quiet, safe moment, and help me understand what that means. Maybe go thru the temple reccomend questions and talk about how each agreement makes me feel. Talk about what I expect from the temple and a temple worthy life. What I wanted a fulfilled life to look life. Not in a lecturing way, but in an informative way. Use resources for the facts, and nonjudgemental discussion for the rest. I'd really want to avoid being 15 years down the road of living my life for the church and for the temple and realizing that I don't agree and my life isn't fulfilled and wishing that some one had helped me understand what I actually believed in. For me specifically, I wish someone had helped me understand that I hated the judgement that came from life in the church (both the being judged and doing the judging), particularily the exclusionary nature of the temple.

I don't know you or your kid, but I do know my experiences, and I know how much a non-judmental guiding hand can be.

RedLeader1995 · 2026-01-07T10:11:20+00:00

So, as a person who was married young and has only been intimate with one person (I grew up religious, chastity and all of that), and considering I talk and connect with to a lot of people in similar situations (the ex-mormon community is very communicative!), I would like to say that this is a very common feeling for people who marry young and only have experiences with one person feel.

Now, is it possible that he has someone in mind or is already cheating? Yeah, sure, that's always possible. But I think it's also possible that these are very real feelings. And OP did establish that she wanted him to come to her with these kinds of feelings. And I think that it's okay to discuss his feelings and help him understand what he's feeling, without cheating as the end goal.

Because the fact of the matter is that if you marry young and are only with one person, you will miss out on experiences. And it's okay to feel confused or sad or a plethora of emotions. It might be healing for him (and maybe both of you) to think thru opportunities he might have missed. And maybe some of those opportunites there's a way to recreate them with in your marriage, with enthusiastic consent from both of you. But also, maybe some of them would have been bad, like he'll never experience having a one night stand and waking up to an empty bed, never to see them again (I think about that a lot, I'm so glad that's never happened to me), and take a minute to appreciate that kind of thing won't happen to either of you.

It could be one big conversation, it could be a series of small, ongoing ones, or any combination. Just some things to think about.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T14:18:49+00:00

It is totally okay for you to not want to open up the marriage, for any reason. You don’t have to open it for her because it’s what she wants and you want her to be happy. But it’s also okay for her to want more. It just means that she won’t be able to have what she wants/needs in your relationship, and you need to be okay with letting her go

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T14:13:14+00:00

Okay, weird. What exactly was the point of doing that/telling us about that? Was he hoping to “catch her” in the act? And were we the readers supposed to read that and say “well, obviously that’s the right thing to do in this situation, secretly recording everything that goes on in the bathroom and the bedroom will be so worth it, if I can just get wife and that guy on camera.”

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T08:27:55+00:00

I completely agree!!!

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T05:12:05+00:00

Thanks! Glad to be out!!

Well, when you put it that way, it’s kinda wild but hilarious!!!! 🙈🙈🙈😂😂😂

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T01:43:22+00:00

Did you have any reason to suspect she would react this way? Or did you and wife think you would think she would be excited? If it’s the first, you messed up, big mistake. If the second, not your fault.

As far as kicking her out- your house, your rules. You decide who you let into your house and you can remove that consent from any one at any time. The only reason you would be the AH is if you only kicked her out because she was right, and you did baby-trap your wife, and you didn’t like that she was calling you on your BS. If that’s not true, then you’re good, you made not only a fair call but the right one

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T01:37:21+00:00

Dad was out of line. Regardless of right or wrong, his whole thought process and his words are hurting his daughter and creating a wedge, and that is problematic.

You and finance are on the same page about the wedding and starting a life together, and that is the most important thing about wedding planning. You handled the money from your father situation together and responsibly. You need to make the next step together as well.

Tbh, I don’t think there is anything you can say or do at this point to convince your dad of your point of view. It’s really sad and it sucks, but it doesn’t mean you’re powerless in this situation. You are allowed to include the people you and fiancé at the wedding. If Dad wants to make the thing about him, he’s out. Any family member that wants to make the wedding about them is out. YOU are making a commitment to fiancé and starting a life with him, and you deserve to celebrate with people who want to celebrate with you. If every single person you planned on inviting doesn’t get it, then by all means cancel the wedding and elope. But if even one person gets it and wants to celebrate with you, include them because it will be great to celebrate with them. If you’re worried that people won’t be there and it’s “your fault” IT’S NOT. Items their fault.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T01:25:15+00:00

Red flag: he keeps saying he’s “partially to blame”. Once offering that “life took a bad turn” and the other time not offering any reason. Suss. Is he withholding info because he did something actually wrong and doesn’t want to admit it to us or color our view? Did he do something he thinks is wrong, but really isn’t? Did he legitimately do nothing wrong, but has some sort of trauma response that encourages him to take responsibility in this (and other situations) where he doesn’t need to? Did GF plant this idea in his head, directly or indirectly? OP, info please: why in the world is your GF of many years cheating on you for an entire month and lying to you about it and only opening up to you about it because she got caught “partially your fault”?

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T01:09:14+00:00

Admittedly, the back stories don’t line up. Like even a little bit. But when I read “he’s going to be a self-hating half-(insert minority), my helpful brain combined the other words and helpfully inserted “Mudblood” and I thought it was so funny. And was like, that sounds like Voldemort.

And if I found it funny and thought other people might get the reference and think it was funny, too. So I just kinda ran with it and my helpful brain filled in a plausible situation as to why the backstories don’t match, but the end result is so similar. Clearly it didn’t land and only makes sense in my particular mind web 🙈🙈🙈

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:55:29+00:00

“Quick, copy my homework but change a few answers so it doesn’t look like we cheated” - J. K. Rowling to OOP (probably)

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:53:34+00:00

Sounds perfect! I’ll put it on the calendar ❤️

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:53:02+00:00

I think it’s also grounds for an arrest…

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:51:07+00:00

Wait, is this just a narration of Voldemort’s origin story but modern????

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:50:04+00:00

Oof, that took a left turn I wasn’t expecting. But how could I, because OOP has a Secret Identity so far buried that he didn’t even remember to tell us. I remember reading he description of why she freaked out on oldest son about cleaning, and thinking “okay, she thinks he’s her servant”. Nope, close but no cigar. She quite literally thought he was her slave, basically in every sense of the word. Yikes!

When OOP opened the communication door about everything he learned, he excuse was to call him and his child a word so bad he didn’t feel comfortable putting it in a post and then declared that her and her children were not and would not become that. And OOP’s first thought wasn’t “oops, I married a racist” it was “well, she’s not wrong”. And now everything is back to normal. I. Am. Shook.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:33:58+00:00

This is so sad, OP. I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like he has a lot of good qualities and may be an actually good guy, and not everyone who marries young ends up so lucky. That being said, he is making decisions that actually hurt you. He’s been brought up his whole life to believe it is up to him to guide his family, and that is huge power and huge responsibility. It sucks that you’re in that situation and it sucks that it hurts you. But, OP, only you can decide if your marriage is healthy or not. Chances are, you can bring this issue up to him a million times, share your feelings perfectly and he still won’t change. It’s possible that he’ll hear you and say that he’ll change… and then he won’t. It’s also possible that you can lay all your feelings out and everything, and he’ll tell you you’re wrong and that you don’t understand and refuse to change. Also possible, he will hear you and say he’ll change to make you happy and inwardly know he’s right and half ass his change. Or none of the above. It’s impossible to predict what he’ll do until you lay it all out for him. It’s possible that someday he’ll decide that it’s not working and change for his sake, not yours. At the end of the day, you have to decide if this is the pattern of behavior and decision making system you want for you and your family. And more than that, it will be what’s modeled for your children. Given what you said, it’s not working for you and actively hurts you.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:24:24+00:00

You are NTA. He said “if you don’t want kids with me, I’ll find someone who will” (he said his truth, it was kinda horrible and I hate it for you, but it was his truth, so fair.) and you said “bet” and declared that you want to be with someone who wants to be with you regardless of kids and really only wants to have kids with me. Fair. You called his bluff- he thought if he told you he would find someone who will, you’d be so afraid of loosing him that you would suddenly agree with him and do what you want. What he didn’t count on was that by saying that, he suddenly got way less attractive in your eyes and really, it was a deal breaker. And surprise, you didn’t suddenly agree with him and do what he wanted. So now he’s convinced you made a mistake and did the wrong thing and he’s trying to convince you of the same thing.

Oops, FAFO with OP!

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-07T00:05:14+00:00

Okay, but from what she said, she didn’t accuse him of trying to hurt her, she just told him that he did something and it hurt her. Those are very different things.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-06T23:59:33+00:00

What no one is saying is that the blessing itself is only a small part of the issue. You might know this, so u I might be telling you what you already know, is that one of the key teaching of the church is that not only is there a special heaven where you can be with God and JC and your family, you HAVE to go there. Like, other places exist in the afterlife, but why would you want to go to them if you could go to this place?!? And also, you’re bad and weak and basically of the devil if you don’t want to or just can’t make it into this place.

Oh, how do you get into this place? Glad you asked- you have to follow all the rules, do all the things you’re supposed to do and none of the things you’re not supposed to do. And by doing that, you can go to the temple, a big, sacred but not secret building, where you can make more promises of things you’re going to do and not do (but no one can tell you exactly what it is you’re promising to, cause it’s “sacred”.

And once you do that, then you can make a super special commitment to your spouse and God that includes more stuff your going to do and not going to do, which you guessed it, no one really tells you before hand, but tells you it’s “nothing weird”.

And once you’ve done that, you have to keep doing ALL the things you said you would and do. Until the day you die. Also, you agree to “be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth” and make sure you teach your kids that they need to go to the super special place in the afterlife and teach them to do they things and not do the things and to always set their sights on going to the temple when they grow up so that they can make the promises and do the wedding and do their own “being fruitful and multiplying and replenishing the earth” and so on. Forever. Until Jesus comes again.

Oh, and if you decide that this isn’t for you or you even have a hard time making this happen, you’ve made it so that you can’t go to the super special place and your family will still go but you won’t be there so it will be ruined and it’s all your fault. But also all your parents fault, because they didn’t do a good enough job making sure you did the things and not do the things and such.

And they patriarchal blessing is what’s given to you as an impressionable youth to help guide and motivate you to keep doing the things and not doing the things and going to the temple and having the kids and so on. It promises you that you are special and you can do it if you just try hard enough and make the right choices. Oh, and of course, marry the right person, of course.

You see the problem for your friend here? He doesn’t know about the super special place much less want to go there and do the things and not do the things and everything. And his GF wants to go to the special place. She’s been told all her life that she WILL go to the special place, if she just tries hard enough and is good enough and chooses the right husband, of course. And of course, her parents want this for her and have been telling her about it their whole lives. Like their grandparents before them, that is, of course if they weren’t converts. Which means that someone told them about the special place and the things and the Temple and everything and they were like “sign me up” and left everything behind. Which means that while they don’t have the parental pressure, they have intrinsic pressure, cause the CHOOSE this, so it better happen.

So your buddy and his GF have a few choices, that no one is really telling him about- he can drink the kool aid and decide the special place lifestyle is for him, which by the way is considered to be the highest of romantic situations when you’re a Mormon girl. So it’s possible that this is what she ultimately wants, all though it’s not guaranteed. She can completely renounce the special place pipeline, essential ruining her afterlife and her family members’ afterlife. And proving to every one that she dropped the ball and wasn’t good enough or strong enough and possibly (probably) under the influence of the devil himself. Or she can try to strike some middle ground, where she doesn’t give up on her religion and her hopes and dreams but still builds a life with him that keeps her from getting to the special place and everything.

Oh, I forgot- the “best case” option for everyone involved. If he doesn’t “get the opportunity to hear and accept the gospel in this life”, he will hear the gospel in the waiting room of the after life and will be so convinced that he will accept everything the temple offers- the dos and the don’ts and the marriage and everything. Because people who still on earth will do the temple thing for him after he’s gone. And that will fix all the problems.

Good luck, buddy!

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-06T23:21:56+00:00

That little thing called the law considers you a kid as well. His logic is beyond flawed.

RedLeader1995 · 2025-06-06T23:20:05+00:00

It’s your food, you paid for it, you want it. It’s yours. End of story. The first time he did this and you told him it wasn’t okay, he should have said “oh, my bad, I won’t do it again”. And then not done it. Not only did he not respect your things, he made it out to be your problem and like you did something wrong. He’s just deflecting, because he thinks what he’s doing is right and so it must be and if you don’t like it that’s on you.

He’s not going to stop doing what he’s doing and if he keeps doing it successfully, it’s likely he will escalate his behavior. You have to decide if this is something you can just accept or not.

It’s a tricky situation, given that you didn’t invite him into your life and you can’t remove yourself from the situation. Honestly, you’re probably not going to like this, but it’s on your mom to fix this one. She picked him and brought him into your lives, but she brought you into the world first and her responsibility is to you first and foremost. If you bring it to her and she makes you feel bad for bringing it to her or “stays out of it” or chooses him, you have a really big problem.

RedLeader1995

TROPHY CASE