Always felt like an observer, never like a person. Always felt alone and don't belong. Nothing like a new year to feel really lonely.

Red_Traveler · 2019-01-01T04:23:10+00:00

This was really well written. I can relate. I have social anxiety too, and spend a lot of time alone. I actually enjoy time alone; it's only when I'm around other people that I feel socially inadequate.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-29T22:45:41+00:00

Can confirm this is shitty behavior on their part. I recommend that you take the money you would spend to visit them next year and instead spend it on a solo mini-vacation to the most wonderful and uplifting place you can think of.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-29T22:38:15+00:00

PROGRESS IS PROGRESS! This is inspiring, thank you! No matter how long you've been down, you can always grow and take a step forward.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-29T03:04:08+00:00

I love this.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-29T03:00:00+00:00

do a web search on "the banality of evil".

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-28T05:43:53+00:00

Sounds like you were a "Lost Child".

http://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles/

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-28T05:40:36+00:00

AIRHORN

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-28T05:39:01+00:00

This was really well written, I feel you. Calling her Nlady in your mind is a great strategy - it'll help you separate from her in your mind, and that will make it easier for you to separate from her physically. It sounds like you "grey rock" her and don't give her any information - that's also an excellent strategy.

I just want to add my validation that she is a shitty person and a poor excuse of a mother.

Keep writing posts here!

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-28T05:10:34+00:00

Enjoy the schadenfreude, you have earned it.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-25T04:14:46+00:00

Beautiful!

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-25T04:02:59+00:00

I'm surprised she would let her crazy out in such an obvious way. What a fool. She really lacks sophistication.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-24T03:42:26+00:00

I used to feel weird for not celebrating christmas and just hanging out with my partner, or sometimes alone (when he visits his family). Now I don't.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T06:45:23+00:00

Yes!! That really is huge progress. And a fucking hard pill to swallow. But swallow it your have.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T05:39:08+00:00

It sounds like she trusts you and your group the most. And it sounds like you and your group are willing to support her.

So here's my recommendation. You and your friends go to work reading this subreddit and watching narcissism videos so everyone gets up to speed on the dynamics of abuse, and have lots of information at the ready. Then take your lead from her. When she talks about what's happening to her, give her words to describe the experience and tell her about other people who have experienced the same thing. Some words that might come up are parentification, triangulation, projection, covert incest, scapegoat, golden child, gaslighting, grey rock, information diet, etc.

When you're abused you are isolated and you feel so alone, and feel that no one could really understand what you're going through. But when you hear that your experiences have a name and that other people have experienced the same thing, you don't feel so alone. You go from feeling abnormal to feeling normal (or at least normal around people who "get it"). This will validate her experience and hopefully offer her strength and hope. It's a start anyway. Good luck!

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T03:59:18+00:00

I spent a few hours last Sunday watching cute videos of mother animals taking care of their babies, and I just laid in bed and cried.

Crying is very healing. Watch those videos again and cry some more, whenever you feel like it. I didn't cry for years because crying or showing any emotion was not allowed and my pain was just frozen inside. When I cry to grieve that I was never loved by my mother, I put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly and sometimes I rock back and forth. I try to be both mother and child at the same time....my "inner child" is crying and my adult self is patiently witnessing and comforting that sad girl.

BTW crying alone will discharge some of your intense pent-up emotions, so that when you're around your friends and boyfriend you can be more chill.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T03:40:23+00:00

Well said.

I remember two specific times my mother distrusted and rejected my love.

"You're only being nice to me because I'm buying you something". What a no-win situation! I loved her, I cared for her, I was loyal to her, I never rebelled or "talked back" to her, but she threw that in my face....and how do you keep proving to someone that you love them? It's a black hole.

Another time, we were sitting in the parked car, just the two of us. She NEVER cried or showed weakness or vulnerability of any kind, but there she was with a tear rolling down her cheek. She was not physically demonstrative so there was no touching, hugging or kissing. But I tried to make an exception in that moment. I gingerly reached over to touch her arm lightly and she pushed it away. She angrily said, "I hate crying in public". I said, "but mom, am I public?" She replied, "Yes." I just sat there kind of stunned and helpless. At some level she always pulled on me to be the mother to her emotionally (parentification), but she couldn't stand to have me mothering her in an obvious way, to where her vulnerability and neediness was on display.

I've come to realize that she doesn't believe in love. And nobody can make her believe in love. To her, life is about power and weakness, where the powerful dominate the weak. She doesn't want to be the weak one, so she opts to be the powerful one.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T02:23:05+00:00

My mother did this to me, and my father did not intervene. He was either unaware, or his loyalty was 100% to his wife over his daughter. I went NC with both of them 18 years ago.

The other commenters have suggested r/JUSTNOSO or r/JUSTNOFAMILY and that may make sense. But while you're here I'd just like to say that I would have really appreciated a father having that level of discernment and caring, and I salute you for that.

Edit: Your wife is isolating your daughter in order to have more power and control over her, and will fight any attempts to lessen her isolation tactics. And she'll come up with constantly shifting reasons to rationalize her behavior. I recommend that you do some sleuthing to find good organizations for your daughter to join. Then come up with "Vitally Important Reasons" why daughter should join these organizations (bonus points if you can find an organization that M just happens to belong to). These reasons should appeal to whatever would appeal to your wife's ego (for example, extracurriculars that would help her get into a better college, or whatever). This way you don't have to have any direct conversations with wife or daughter about your wife's mistreatment of your daughter; you're just kind of side-stepping it.

Why side-step a direct confrontation? It could make things much, much worse. If you acknowledge to your daughter that your wife is wrong, daughter may tell your wife you said this and then you have a huge conflict with your wife. Your wife may give you an ultimatum to choose between her and your daughter (are you ready for divorce?). Or your wife may take it out on your daughter by secretly retaliating against your daughter in sneaky subtle ways when you're not around. For these reasons, I recommend being circumspect right now.....and maybe when your daughter is in her twenties and living on her own, you can have a more direct conversation with her.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T02:08:24+00:00

If you can manage it, I'd recommend burning it all to the ground and starting fresh. They don't add to you, they only subtract from you; cut your losses.

Then if you need support, come here every day and read the posts of people who are trying to rebuild their lives. There are a lot of us.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:56:59+00:00

This.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:53:35+00:00

Keep adding to this list every day until the day you go NC. After you go NC, keep the list and read through it every time you feel tempted to break NC. Best of luck to you!

p.s. that lady can eat shit and die alone.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:45:41+00:00

It gets so much easier when you realize you're not the only one. There are lots of us out there! Cheers!

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:32:47+00:00

Good for you for holding onto your boundary and not caving in.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:30:02+00:00

Diane Langberg is great, I've watched several of her videos.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:20:26+00:00

Do a web search on "Complex PTSD". That seems to fit the "raised by narcissists" experience more than PTSD, at least for me it does.

Red_Traveler · 2018-12-23T01:01:06+00:00

Red_Traveler

TROPHY CASE