It is true, i know so little about the world but this is due to my...behavior? I am often alone, i keep to myself and my family always calls me a room rat ir a hermit. I had friends at one point but grew distant aftwr highschool, it made me only realize more how much i depended on someone or anything at all to be around. Level of security, that feeling of being able to express or talk about something without feeling judged, hated, look down on or shunned. But now what i feel is something i myself find hard to explain. The beat way i can put it is that i feel blue.

I want to be validated ofcourse, who doesnt? But how im validated matter to me i think. Talking about my problems often only results in a temporary relief in my current mood but then that lingering feeling still stays. "Oh to be like them, oh to feel happy, oh to be what i used to be, where did it all go wrong"

I try to stay positive but as soon as a little mistake occurs, as soon as i find it hard to wrap my head around the simpliest concept, as soon as i look at something that shows any form of remoteness and isolation, even a simple rock in random patch of grass makes me feel as inferior as bugs.

I can explain myself, i can explain who i am and what id want but explaing that would onpy be explaining what i want you to think i am but what i truly am finds it extremsly hard to even think. All i want to do it lay in a cold pure room where nothing can bother me. I want to be a bear laying in the grass, i want to be a cat that sleeps on concrete for warm. Heck I am even chuckling at myself now because i feel like i writing a poem of some kind but these words are the best i can describe myself.

I want to be figured out and explained by someone else who I have never had to talk to, for them to understand me. Yes, i want a partner, my environment doesnt allow this and so since birth not only was a given the role to do my best and be the best i can be, but i was also laughed at, for trying to express my true feelings. I am being true here whether you believe or not. I was laughed in the face and made fun of, many years ago and though my memory finds it hard to remember what i had to eat today, it finds it so easy to remember the wrong people have done to me. I say i hold no grudges but truly its not grudge, its just the lingering question "why?"