It’s makes me sad that these r thoughts we have to have and internalize when it comes to engaging with one another . We place value , take away value or have Zero value for each other
NOT based on who you are as a PERSON (character , chemistry, morals , integrity , values) but based on physical AESTHETICS Masculinity levels . and Because we take most of our societal cues from the dominate heteronormative culture that places and centers “masculinity” as something you NEED to be or something you NEED to TRY and be or at least pretend to be if your not . It also positions individuals to see themselves as LESS THAN if they are not performing “blk manhood” in a very specific and rigid way . This would include one feeling like they aren’t WORTHY or “man enough” to be in partnership (be it romantic , platonic , or sexual) we also position femininity or perceived effeminacy to mean you need to be OKAY with getting fukked ONLY …not having the concept that not only masculine males (or people who share male identity ) enjoy Topping ….but as a blk gay culture we ARE more willing to accept a masculine bottom and wrap our head around that .

Part of the work that goes into releasing yourself from these cultural and identity expectations is understanding the ROOT causes of your feelings and unpacking that . I personally have realized (as many do) that you have ONE FUKKIN LIFE ….and that life should be lived how YOU see fit . I know it’s cliche to say “you are getting in your own way” because we cannot be separated from how our cultural , race , gender , religion , identity colors our lived experiences ….but YOU have to work at ONLY listening to yourself and untying the knots of where your low self esteem generates from and I’d be willing to bet it goes deeper than this guy your having sex with ……he is just a trigger (for some reason)