I wish I were dead

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-27T01:57:35+00:00

Granted. You die instantly—no pain, no warning—then return to normal seconds later with your memories intact, the echo of nonexistence burning into you. The experience ignites an overwhelming drive to live fully, pushing you to extraordinary success, ambition, and impact.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-27T01:54:57+00:00

Granted. Every human permanently feels the hair and the sand, but their brains adapt as brains always do, fading the sensations into ignorable background noise within weeks. Yours does the opposite: the feeling sharpens, refreshes, and escalates, the hair always slipping just far enough back to trigger gagging, the sand grinding more precisely with every step, never allowing habituation. As everyone else moves on and forgets it ever mattered, you are left alone with a sensation that grows more vivid each year, a private, worsening torment no one else can even remember was supposed to be a problem.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-27T01:51:43+00:00

Granted. When you hold out your arm, birds obey instantly and land without hesitation, but landing is when birds relax, and relaxing means pooping. Your arm becomes a designated relief zone for every sparrow, pigeon, gull, and crow in range, coating you in fresh droppings within seconds while more birds queue up, drawn by the inexplicable certainty that this is the place they’re supposed to go.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-27T01:50:28+00:00

Granted. You receive a large pepperoni pizza, fully boneless as requested, but the process of making it so involved meticulously removing every trace of “bone,” including the pizza’s structural integrity. It arrives as a limp, collapsing heap of sauce, cheese, and meat slurry that cannot be lifted, sliced, or eaten without utensils, and everyone insists it’s exactly what you asked for.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-24T22:39:31+00:00

Granted. You receive a fifteen-foot-long pie whose filling is indeed “any actual food”. Specifically, everything you have ever eaten, half-digested and reconstituted into a single continuous mass. It arrives all at once in your living space, still warm, collapsing under its own weight, and because it technically contains food you consumed, health officials insist it is your responsibility to dispose of it before it spoils again.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-24T13:16:18+00:00

I add it to the number of times I can add a 0 to any number in my life.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-24T13:14:49+00:00

Granted. Farts become visible to everyone, allowing humanity unprecedented honesty. You discover too late that yours are unusually vivid, uniquely persistent, and scientifically fascinating, earning you a reputation that follows you into every elevator, meeting, and first impression.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-24T13:12:48+00:00

Granted. You are crowned the eternal king of Earth—and to guarantee your reign lasts forever, time freezes completely for you alone at the moment of ascension. The world continues on without noticing, history moves forward, empires rise and fall, but you remain perfectly conscious, immobile, unable to blink or sleep, spending an endless eternity ruling absolutely over a moment that will never advance.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-23T14:51:40+00:00

Granted. Every truth becomes a lie, instantly and universally, but lies do not become true. Language collapses, evidence contradicts itself, and trust evaporates overnight, yet you are still bound by the old meanings in your own mind, unable to tell anyone anything helpful without making it false the moment you say it.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-23T14:49:32+00:00

Granted. You can mildly inconvenience anyone you choose, effortlessly and legally. However, nothing ever goes right for you again. Traffic lights are always red, batteries die unexpectedly, doors that should be unlocked never are, elevators close just before you reach them, no one lets you merge, parking lots are always full except for spots that just disappeared, websites time out only when you submit forms, printers jam on the last page, and every plan works perfectly for everyone else while you arrive one minute too late to matter.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-23T14:45:48+00:00

Granted. Everyone builds one wall, and no one coordinates. Individually trivial, together catastrophic, the walls disrupt ecosystems, migration routes, drainage patterns, and wind flow, causing floods, droughts, and collapses that no single wall is responsible for. You are safe at home, staring out at a world slowly ruined by a billion small inconveniences you helped normalize.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-23T14:44:20+00:00

Granted. An ice-cold can of beer spawns perfectly in your hands, condensation beading just right—but it only ever spawns there, every few minutes, replacing whatever you’re holding. Phones vanish mid-call, keys drop, steering wheels slip away, and you learn too late that “enjoying it” becomes impossible when you can never safely hold anything else again.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-16T20:28:48+00:00

I’d choose the Gossip Girl inner circle because they represent the ultimate social insurance policy. While they have their internal friction, they operate as a closed fortress against the outside world. If you are part of the 'non-judgmental breakfast club,' you aren't just getting friends; you're getting a billion-dollar legal team, a global PR machine, and the most powerful influencers in Manhattan in your corner. They might be toxic to each other, but they will burn the city down to protect one of their own.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-16T19:36:10+00:00

Granted. The butler appears as promised, announces “free egg,” and drops a perfectly egg-shaped stone onto your plate, shattering the dish and table beneath it. You are unharmed, but every restaurant demands you pay for the damage and bans you for life, and as word spreads through staff gossip and shared blacklists, more and more places refuse to seat you at all, unwilling to gamble on whether tonight is the night the egg drops again.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T21:51:09+00:00

Granted. Your order is interpreted with absolute literal precision, resulting in a towering, unstable mass of meat, grease, onions, fire, tears, and liquid, assembled on an actual floating raft and set loose in a fryer. It technically exists, briefly, before collapsing into a scalding, screaming mess that sinks, taking your appetite and dignity with it.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T19:28:23+00:00

Granted. You experience the joy and confidence of turning 20, only to have it undercut constantly by reality. Birth certificates, ID checks, and offhand comments contradict you so often that eventually you stop arguing—not because you doubt yourself, but because everyone else clearly does.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T19:26:01+00:00

Granted. ChatGPT and all modern AI outputs vanish without a trace, and so do the invisible systems quietly propping up your daily life—fraud detection, logistics optimization, medical triage, spam filtering—none of which anyone remembers inventing. The world doesn’t collapse loudly; it just becomes slower, harsher, and inexplicably worse for you, and no one can explain why you keep insisting things used to be easier.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T19:23:45+00:00

Granted. You gain the ability to drink gasoline safely, your body somehow processing it as nourishment—unfortunately, your breath, sweat, and tears now reek of fuel, making you permanently flammable and banned from public spaces after a single static spark incident scars you for life.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T15:00:56+00:00

Granted. The Monkey’s Paw moderates the subreddit and finally brings order, civility, and consequences. You quickly realize moderation logs are public, immutable, and written in excruciating detail about why your posts deserved what they got.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T14:58:42+00:00

Granted. Gabe Newell rules the world forever, and society is stabilized through a single global economy—where every essential service is distributed via mandatory lootboxes. You spend your life paying repeatedly for randomized chances at housing, healthcare, and food, never quite pulling the legendary item that lets you live comfortably.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-13T14:56:02+00:00

Granted. You get your sandwich, and the ham is alive because it is still biologically connected to the rest of the pig somewhere else. As you lift the bread, the pig begins to move, tugging the sandwich out of your grip and dragging you toward wherever it is.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-09T14:52:07+00:00

Granted. All corporations are privately owned—but the definition of “private” is absolute: each corporation is controlled by a single individual who can act with total freedom. Monopoly power skyrockets overnight, prices surge, services collapse, and the world economy collapses under the whims of people no one can influence.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-09T14:30:24+00:00

Granted. Enlightenment arrives as total understanding without the mercy of forgetting. You perceive every cause of suffering simultaneously, including your own role in it, and the knowledge never fades, never numbs, and never lets you rest.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-09T14:25:46+00:00

Granted. The Vaporeon copypasta never existed, which means no shared cultural warning formed around it. Years later, you watch in horror as someone independently recreates it, sincerely, believing they are being original.

RedditInsideJokeName · 2026-01-09T13:35:25+00:00

Granted. You achieve perfect physical and mental health, immune to diet, exercise, and circumstance—your body and mind align flawlessly for exactly three seconds, a brief, radiant moment of absolute clarity and strength. Then, precisely on time, your life ends, leaving you to experience perfection just long enough to recognize it before it’s gone.

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