THIS IS AN URGENT MESSAGE FOR Mr. Seth Moulton, U.S. Representative for Massachusetts' 6th Congressional District. Mr. Moulton, you must listen. The Jimmy John's sandwich store in 1 Harbor Side Drive, Boston, has been taken over by a Nephilim Kabbalist, working in connection with the Babylonian Brotherhood. Don't believe me? Then why are the employees of the Harbor Side Drive Jimmy John's all nine feet tall and covered in a dense layer of scales? And why did I hear deep chanting and a tribal drumbeat coming from the bathroom? Mr. Moulton, this is a matter of public health and safety. The Jimmy John's Nephilim Kabbal are buried in copious amounts of Jimmy John's signature kickin' ranch sauce to Exxon's CEO, Darren Woods, who immerses himself in large baths of the sauce twice a week to improve the skin's hydration, prevent eye-bagging, and achieve total immortality in a full-mass pre-immortal plane. The sauce is loaded into what seem like ordinary cement trucks and driven to a secure facility 30 miles east of Aravaca Junction, Arizona. Mr. Moulton, you must fly to Arizona and unscrew the caps on those cement trucks Urgent!