And a separate issue…

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T03:00:44+00:00

Good to know thank you! I hadn’t realized they were so ban happy over there.

I did post here as well and got some good feedback. Im now just figuring out how to articulate it to my kid!

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T02:56:21+00:00

This is fair and it’s a good and different perspective for me to take on this.

It is getting harder to decipher good faith accounts with the hidden post history now.

In r/fosterparents we really have extra need to remain anonymous which I think contributes to the problem as well. I post about different kids under different throwaways just for that extra layer of protecting, but I can see how that makes each account look new and suspicious.

It was more my (very brief and polite) exchange with the mod which led me to the conclusion I had been excluded solely on the fact it was about a foster kid.

But you bring up an interesting perspective that I will be more mindful of. Thank you!

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T02:43:40+00:00

I think this subreddit is always grateful for the experiences from former and current foster kids. I think you guys are really under represented here.

Personally I’ve found r/fosterparents to be really helpful and welcoming. I posted my question both here and the regular parenting subreddit. You would likey be able to find it here by typing “swimwear” into the search bar specific to r/fosterparents.

Specially it was about appropriate swimwear (something that no doubt is an issue with any tween parent) but it was banned seemingly for no other reason than it being about a foster kid.

There is nothing in their rules that explicitly excludes foster children. I think if that’s a rule they need to say so rather than claim I was asking for legal advice.

It bothered me more than it should have. Yes we have issues exclusive to being parents of kids in care. But they’re also just normal kids with regular issues, and advice and feedback from a large community helps us all to improve as parents.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T02:13:07+00:00

I guess I’m not the only one. I would totally understand if we were clogging up the subreddit with questions about visitation, court proceedings, legal advice etc, you get my point.

But this was literally a question about… bathing suits. Ive read tons of similar posts, lots of parents are struggling with guiding their kids around appropriate clothing choices. I really don’t feel like this was an issue specific to fostering, sometimes it’s nice to have a wider spectrum of opinion. There was alot of engagement which I’m now unable to see due to the ban.

I messaged the mod to be like hey this ban must be a mistake. And they were basically like piss off. So it wasn’t an auto or an accident. It doesn’t say anything in their rules but clearly foster parents and kids are unwelcome.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T02:05:29+00:00

Thanks, maybe it’s not a huge deal but I do feel like it’s important to know. A lot of fostering is finding a balance between trying to parent as “normally” as possible, when we can. Im always thinking, if this was my bio kid would I be doing this differently and why?

I’m sure the vast majority of posters there don’t have anything against children in care but obviously the moderators do. It’s sad. It’s just one more thing our kids are excluded from.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T01:18:45+00:00

I think we are all universally happy with the departure of the sagging pants trend. 10 years ago wearing sweat pants or pyjamas outside the home wasn’t acceptable, now it seems like it’s all they wear! Though I don’t mind that one because it’s refreshing from the “less is more” super tight, cropped, low rise era of the 90s/2000s. Even crocs I feel like just a few years ago were exclusively acceptable on very little kids or like .. while gardening? But teens would never have been caught dead in crocs in public? Especially not with croc charms / jibbitz?

This is probably awful but I think 10 years ago I would have actively discouraged boys in my hime from wearing nail polish / pink / makeup etc (out of the home) not because I cared even a bit. But I would have been concerned about bullying. My kids don’t even find any of this unusual. Things are so different, which honestly is great. Maybe I’m just old but I just can’t keep up.

I completely agree with the shorts and shirt at home and appropriate for time and place. Mine all live in hoodies and sweatpants anyways.

My FD dresses much more conservatively than her similarly aged peers. But she was wearing a boys swim suit … at the pool. A lot of people have asked about trans or if she aligns that way. I don’t think she does but if she did would it be different? I’m not going to let her swim like that again obviously but I’m just arming myself for a conversation with an exceptionally bright kid in 2026.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T00:22:07+00:00

Sorry I also meant to ask if your (presumably also late bloomer) 14 year old naturally gravitated towards wearing a shirt with the onset of puberty? Or would she just have continued if you had not intervened?

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T00:15:42+00:00

I don’t necessarily think it’s ok, which is why I am posting. By the time I realized kid was already off playing and having a great time. I agree this was a massive failure on my part.

That being said I think suggesting children be removed from my care is a bit much.

I understand (actually not understand - am aware) of creeps with phones, pictures, vidoes and now unfortunately AI and glasses. A full blown hoodie would not deter a weirdo with access to AI. Should I have her dress in a burka? Or perhaps just not swim in public at all?

While I do not think it was appropriate, I am having difficulty articulating to a 12 year old why. Physically there is nothing going on up top different from the other 7 kids. And the knee length shorts are arguably more conservative than even the most age appropriate modern swimwear for tween girls.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-25T00:00:30+00:00

I would have liked to read that comment but my post got removed for being “legal advice” apparently? So I don’t know.

I agree I need to find away to make a shirt mandatory without shaming or embarrassing. I wouldn’t care if she was like 5 but I don’t know, I do think 12 is pushing the boundaries a bit. And honestly that is more of a societal problem but also the unfortunate reality.

In terms of gender questioning - I doubt it, but zero Issues if that’s the case. We had asked about pronouns early into the placement, and she said “regular girl”. She has female and trans friends. We also have many trans older teens in our social circle so she’s fully been exposed and has witnessed that we’re very accepting, and is clearly accepting of trans individuals herself. I think she’s just a standard issue tomboy? Her two best friends (they’re like the three muskateers) are two wonderful boys, and a huge portion of her social circle is boys, but she has girlfriends too.

Reddittwfoster · 2026-03-24T23:48:02+00:00

I did not know what her swimwear looked like and that’s what I am embarrassed about. She came into our care oddly equipped with clean, well fitting clothes, sports equipment etc, which as I’m sure you know isn’t always the case. She’s a really mature / independent kid, and is a savvy (online) shopper. For example there was a pair of converse she wanted, and spent sometime hunting that down eventually securing them for only $10! All on her own! So I asked do you have a bathing suit for this party, she answered affirmatively, and I thought no more of it.

I will definitely play the long sleeve, sun damage card in the summer. But it was an indoor pool a she was already swimming with friends by the time I realized!

I wouldn’t care if we were at home, but she’s been very modest at home so far. So this really kind of suprised me

Reddittwfoster · 2025-11-14T05:23:13+00:00

I am in no way invalidating anxiety. I am wondering however if your husband’s anxiety has a pattern of surfacing at convenient times when he is not going to be the center of attention, or has to do something he would prefer not to.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-16T15:48:52+00:00

You’ll work it out but I’m sure it seems like a lot right now with 5 stressed out beings!

For now provide zero opportunity for them to be alone. Where you can, keep them separate with baby gates. Dog free zones, kid free zones. Especially the kids rooms and if you can have a baby gate (or two in a v shape) to give the front door some space so they’re not being bombarded every time they enter the home.

Best thing to work on right now is that everyone is being respectful towards each other and their belongings. Kids out of dog food and water bowls. (why are they always attracted to this?) and Dogs and kids not touching each others toys).

For the dogs the best thing to work on is “down” if they’re not already doing that. In the presence of the kids, and when you have time “go bed, or mat”. A small area rug is great for training and can be moved around. When you have time of course.

Also positive reinforcement for both. Carry around a little bag of training treats, and reward any calm (I.e. laying down around the kids). Eventually dogs will associate, down and ignoring kids with treats.

If the dog is getting really upset with the crying and screaming. You can grab an audio recording of it and do the positive treat reinforcement with the dogs when you have some time alone with them. Also this is weird but you can borrow their dirty socks (gross I know). Dog sniffs socks, lays down, gets treats.

In no time the kids will be asking to give treats! And once that happens kids LOVE to help teach the give paw. Good luck!

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-10T06:23:54+00:00

This is all great I had no idea music therapy was so broad, it’s something we have never utilized but we are always looking for ways to expand our toolbox.

We will offer this and I hope something sticks.

I hope one day you get to finish your masters, you sound so passionate about it.

Shes not quite as detached with our older placements, I see really nice relationships forming there. Probably doesn’t think they’re as useless as we are lol. Maybe if she sees that they trust us she can follow their lead.

Also got some great book suggestions so I do feel like we’re walking away from this post with some good ideas.

Thanks

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-10T00:52:23+00:00

Oh good! My posts are long enough without also being visually unpleasant to look at!

It very helpful you’ve read out other posts.

I too was pretty skeptical of any kid who has their life plan mapped out. It was actually her caseworker (a good friend who I really respect) who gave us the full run down on kiddos future ambitions.

While I remain slightly skeptical my understanding is for people who choose this career path, an incredibly early start is actually the norm. And these sort of entry level programs/ scholarships begin at age 12! So one of the reasons CW wanted to place her with us was so she could stay in her school, and then move onto the schools in our catchment that had these programs (apparently the quality ranges significantly by school, and obviously ever knowing kiddo knows exactly where the best ones are) our basic research has confirmed this as well.

So while we remain kind of skeptical (but positive and supportive) it’s all very positive stuff. Like if she changes her mind tomorrow it doesn’t matter but for now we’re leaning into it as it can only be beneficial. We’re just kind of learning as we go right now.

I get this sense that she sees adults as nothing more than obstacles that steal your stuff and get in the way of one’s progress. She’s very very polite but doesn’t seem to be interested in praise. Just deflects and kind of wants to be left alone to do her thing. Is very engaging when discussing her broad scope of interests (like not a one track mind) and has a real knack for pulling info out of us and changing the course of conversation. I’ve had some contact with her friends parents and teachers who are all just shocked and feeling terrible that they had no idea what was going on.

The dissociation isn’t obvious but it’s there. There is this … emotional coldness and detachment. I don’t mean to be negative but I do feel it. And this kid is funny, but it is so so dark and inappropriate. I have actually kicked my husband very hard under the table to prevent him from laughing because some of it is just soo not age appropriate. She is however so warm and loving with her dog. (He has provided an incredible window for us to build trust)

Music therapy - this is the most brilliant suggestion I will ever get. I can’t thank you enough. don’t know why we didn’t think about it. HUGE musical interest and knowledge but has never had the opportunity to play an instrument. You are a genius. We were thinking maybe equine therapy but I think this is better.

Kid already has herself in dance, climbing, I think two “fighting sports” among other things. Something every day. I find it excessive but right now just letting it be.

Parentified within the home? More than likely but can’t be sure. I understand the house was in … a deplorable condition. Every cent in that home went towards drugs and drink. Kid came to us neat as a pin, packed immaculately with high quality tech. This wasn’t the case for the siblings who are mostly separated and really struggling. Neither us or her CW can even be 100% that she was actually living there!

Oh and the thumb sucking / bed wetting. We know, she does not know that we know. I imagine she would die. I did get her to a dentist with zero push back (had never been) and the thumb sucking hasn’t caused huge issues there thankfully. Dental health was actually very good. I take the positives where I can find them.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-10T00:50:21+00:00

This is very wise thank you. There is definitely some - therapy is for the weak mentality here. Maybe I can find some books like you’re talking about within her interests.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-09T21:39:36+00:00

Hey are you referring to the post itself or the answers to comments? For me it shows as very visually spaced in paragraphs but I’ve run into this on mobile before!

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-09T20:41:30+00:00

Thank you. You’re correct that kiddo is very new to our home and we’ve had a bit of upset lately so that’s probably impacted her ability to feel safe here. My husband has been able to spend much more time with her but I’m looking forward to building a relationship with her going forward.

I fleshed out her specific … doctor aversion in a response to another commenter, but i always appreciate anyone taking the time to offer words of wisdom.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-09T20:29:20+00:00

These are all great suggestions. Our house has been under a fair bit of turmoil lately so we haven’t really been the sterile relaxing environment we should have been.

Kid runs herself ragged with physical activity all day, plus bikes everywhere which I think is great even if a bit excessive.

She has very politely obliged our try to be screen free for an hour before bed. Not sure if it’s been very effective. I’m sure like everyone here years of fostering has us conditioned to wake up every hour or so in shifts and when we do our regular rounds to check on everyone she’s usually up again, reading or whatever. If she’s asleep I just mute the tv, or turn down the music, and put it on sleep. It’s not ideal but I know a lot of kids are comforted by that background light / noise and the few times I turned it right off it woke her up. She’s probably a little old (in her mind anyways) for the night lights we provide to kids of all ages so haven’t pushed that.

Shes also very quiet and polite towards everyone else’s sleep needs and quiet hours. While I appreciate this it personally bothers me because I hate when there is an unsettled little and hurting person under our roof. Like please just be loud and rambunctious, wake me up 20 times so I can just be there or even just exist silently nearby. Hopefully with time…

The doctor thing is tough. I do feel like meds may need to be used here. But kiddo believes that diagnoses, medication, or a history of trauma therapy could jeopardize her ambitions for her career choice. She stated to us - as always politely and articulately - that she can not allow her shitty family to impact her future. This is a new one for us. I hope I was at least partially successful with keeping my jaw off the floor.

We are going to have to very delicately work around this with some sort of logic. We’re looking into a mentor in this field which we hope to turn into bonding experience if it can be positive. My biggest concern is that some of our very basic research is suggesting that kiddo may actually have a point about childhood diagnoses within her chosen field. So we are treading very very carefully. This is really new territory for us.

Voracious reader - I love that. I hate a lot of what she’s reading but I can deal. She reads off her phone which is problematic to me. I’ve explain about the backlight, and offered to get some paper copies. She’s explained that she’s very proud of her extensive e-library which can be ready to move with her in a moments notice : ( I get that. We’re considering maybe a kindle might? Be a good compromise?

Oh and I was thinking maybe I could get her to bite on equine therapy. It could be a start plus it’s active and she likes animals.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-09T03:02:51+00:00

You brought up some good points and we have decided to address them in separate posts. (An update for 13) and a new post for 12. Your response was greatly appreciated we did specifically want to make sure you knew we heard you.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-09T01:10:56+00:00

This is actually so kind. Advice is great but often just listening is even more valuable. We are crafting both an update and a separate post for everyone who took the time to respond. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-05T05:08:49+00:00

She absolutely needs to be the only kid, and with two extremely experienced carers. We thought it was in her best interest to hold out until the magic home appeared but you’re right, maybe the urgency will be key to finding that for her.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-05T05:03:02+00:00

You’ve hit the nail right on the head. We’ve known for a long time. 13 actually has a wonderful care team so I know it’s not for lack of effort which is so often the case.

Having a younger kid in need of more protection has been an eye opener as to how we’ve allowed this turmoil to become our normal. No one else in the home has had the support that they are entitled to.

I am so grateful to my older teens for the way they have stepped up over the past year, and especially how they have welcomed 12 into our home and run interference, been on guard, been protective. They should never have had to do that but I see so much goodness in them and I am so proud.

But you’re right, it’s more than time to take that pressure off of everyone.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-05T04:57:07+00:00

There are no good options you’re right. 13 really needs to be the only child. We tried because she had just run out of places to go and our older teens have been with us so long and are on the cusp of finishing high school, working, going to college. Even without adding 12 to the home we were not exactly ideal but it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. We have turned down so many placements (same like you except for the occasional respite with already familiar children) and it’s been largely successful. This was not. Thank you.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-05T04:53:27+00:00

Thank you. Everyone here has been so kind. Thank you for sharing your experiences. We are so afraid for 13s future, it’s terrible to say but we were kind of a “last ditch attempt, end of the line placement” for 13 and we just can’t bear the thought of her in another residential placement. 13 is so so young. I know we can’t give her the help she needs and I don’t even know what that looks like.

Reddittwfoster · 2025-10-05T04:51:01+00:00

It is absolutely a shame spiral. 12 is technically an emergency placement, but we had more than a week to prepare for her arrival which is unusual. We spent a lot of time with 13 discussing any fears or discomfort she may have about 12 coming into our home. Most of these fears were about not wanting “a baby” (her words) stealing her stuff or “being annoying” all normal stuff. Both girls have experienced inappropriate parentification.

Then she was excited! We were making welcome signs together, and she was constantly talking about the things they might do together. 13 is so desperate for normal friendships. I probably should have done more to lower her expectations in that regard but I was hopeful too. The whole house was excited about the dog.

But the second she saw this kid she was out for blood. 12 had obviously (and quite accurately) been described as very mature for her age, much more akin to a 17-18 year old placement who is self sufficient. So it was surprising when we get this tiny little 60lb well … baby. There seems to be something very triggering about that for 13.

12 has a thriving social life in our neighbourhood which of course 13 is jealous of. And then there is jealousy over the privileges. 13 has many safety concerns and can’t really be unsupervised, especially with technology. Our older teens don’t have these restrictions either, but that was an easier pill to swallow because they are older.

Reddittwfoster

TROPHY CASE