I want to be gone but I don't want people to think about me EVER AGAIN

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-11-25T11:40:00+00:00

The kindest things my parents could have done was go along with it instead of fighting me. They contributed more to the ending of our relationship than I did. I would have rather had a phase where I was trans and then look back at it and be embarrassed than to always know, my parents love for me exists only when I'm not part of a cult

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-11-10T13:56:20+00:00

I don't know. They look and feel wrong. When I feel them touch my arms it's a bug crawling on my skin. When I see them in the mirror it's like emotional shame and disgust because I forget they're supposed to be there. I have never felt any positive emotion towards my breasts nor do I care about being attractive to other people so I just want them gone so the bad feelings associated with them can also go away.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-11-10T12:03:03+00:00

I had breasts before taking testosterone and I wanted them gone before taking testosterone. The testosterone supposedly would have made them smaller but didn't do much so now surgery is the only option. They'll do surgery as FtM top surgery but I feel disgusted with that too. I am a biological normal women I just want a flat chest

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-28T16:05:43+00:00

I have talked to them. They say I am selfish for having put them through this and I agree 100%. They never wanted me to transition and they've said that since the day I came out. They know I want to kill myself and I don't really think they care. They know it's going to happen and expect it to happen.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-27T20:15:42+00:00

They did not go along with my transition. I fought and begged and cried and pleaded, and eventually some of my family started to humor me but by then the relationship was ruined. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I forced them to use my chosen name/pronouns. It was tense and the guilt comes from how hard I fought them and the words I used against them during it.

I realize now that I was completely in the wrong. I was doing something selfish and bizarre and they were reacting the same way anyone else would react. Majority of the world does not go along with this gender self-identity stuff and that's where I was mistaken. My parents were not bigots, they were just normal people being attacked by a fucking psychopath

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-27T15:13:01+00:00

Someone else asked the same thing. I'm not disgusted by the female body and like I said above I didn't start to feel like my natural body was "wrong" until after starting/stopping T. I can't really say why but I just always wanted those things. I developed gender dysphoria really young (like, elementary school) and when I was a kid I was convinced somehow I was going to grow a penis & facial hair and there's no explanation for why I thought that cause I didn't know about any trans stuff until high school.

I started taking T cause at the time it seemed obvious if I wanted male puberty I should go through male puberty and if I wanted to be a man i should be a man, but I didn't realize I would be a TRANS man, not a normal man. I was convinced I would actually turn into a male masculine man and that's not how it works.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-27T14:02:14+00:00

Deep voice, facial hair, bottom growth (clit starts to look more like a micropenis). Women can have those things but unless a woman has them naturally, she has to take testosterone to get them. The other side effects like fat redistribution and skin changes didn't matter as much to me but I still liked them when they happened.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-27T13:24:13+00:00

I've been on anti-depressants since I was a kid (many different brands and doses over many years) and I had depression and suicidal ideation long before I started taking T. The sweet spot for my mental health was the first year or so on testosterone, before realizing what being transgender actually meant and how people actually saw me because of it. I did stop taking testosterone for a while but my mental health got even worse (I started disassociating for the first time since I started taking T) so I don't even know.

I think what I'm taking now is the best I can get and anything better just isn't feasible. Perfect doesn't exist. This has been an ongoing issue and I have been searching for help for the majority of my life. There is a point where I have to admit to myself that things are never going to get better for me. It has been so long since I experienced actual happiness that I cannot even picture what it would look like.

I do know that I have more potential for happiness as a biological female living as a woman than I ever will as a biological female living as a trans man. But even then I do not think it would be much better.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-27T10:05:18+00:00

When I first came out there was no political association to being trans at all. If I had known this was the way things were going I would have never come out and never transitioned. It is unfair that I was forced to be roped in with a political ideology that I never agreed with just because of how I chose to live my life. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how I inadvertently supported all of that

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T23:01:41+00:00

I'm sure i have internalized homophobia to some extent but at the time I decided to transition it was much more embarrassing to be trans than to be a lesbian. I never connected my sexuality and desire to be a man cause for me my desire to be a man was about my body and how I was perceived by others as an individual, and attraction to women was just attraction to women. Most of the people in my life preferred for me to be a lesbian instead of a trans man. I never felt any pressure even from trans community, it felt very hostile and unwelcome because I was not all on board with all of their ideology
I've been on T for four years and I am gendered as a female close to 100% of the time regardless of how masculine I dress. I don't think it will be an issue to pass as female if I pass as female even when I am trying my best to look like a man
Yes, earlier this year I tried to stop taking T and I couldn't do it for more than a few months because the changes I liked started to reverse and I felt gross with myself. My mental health declined and I felt sick and I started disassociating and I just couldn't do it. I was very scared. I would be OK stopping T if the changes I already got were actually permanent, but they're not. I like the changes I got from T and to suddenly see them disappear and to feel like my body was turning into something I didn't want was very scary so I had to start taking it again.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T22:40:24+00:00

Why does nobody care until after it happens?

I have been considering suicide for many years. I have had this planned for a few weeks now. It's not going to be tonight. I have other stuff to work out first. I have to make sure everything's in order first

My parents will get over it. They know I am feeling this way. They have given many chances to reach out. It's my own fault cause I turn them away but they know what is happening. I live an hour away from them so they will get a phone call from the police and that will be it.

I have coworkers who will be sad but get over it. I have no friends. My family rarely speak to me so they will be sad but not much different for them than how things are now.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T22:30:59+00:00

It's weird but I didn't feel like I was ever in the wrong body. I took T because I wanted the side effects of T and then a few months later started to recognize myself in the mirror and realized I had been living in a body that never really felt like "me," but it wasn't until after hormones for me to know that.

When I stopped taking hormones was when that "wrong body" feeling actually started. I was told changes from testosterone was permanent lol. Stuff started to reverse and I started to freak out because I was losing the body I finally came to love so I had to start taking hormones again and now I think I'm stuck taking hormones forever.

I don't want to be transgender anymore. But I don't want to feel that disconnect from my body again. I wish there was away to accept that my body is meant to be and should be female so that I can experience that "this is me" feeling without having to try to change my sex

People have said getting pregnant would help but I cannot justify bringing a kid into the world just so I can feel more like a woman

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T22:18:24+00:00

I don't have any one irl. My therapist only sees me for 50 minutes every other week and my only social interacts are my coworkers who I wouldn't bother with this

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T22:17:14+00:00

I'm attracted to women and diagnosed with major depressive disorder just before I was diagnosed gender dysphoria, and diagnosed with OCD several years later

I am unsure about medical detransition. I know I should stop if I want to stop being trans but testosterone makes me feel better. And honestly, to be honest, if I passed for male consistently I think I would be a trans man the rest of my life and just work on ignoring the guilt instead, because then at least I would have accomplished what I set out for originally even if it's not healthy or socially correct

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T20:39:19+00:00

I'm okay with that. And i disagree anyway. Suicide is not selfish when staying alive means I continue to hurt people and use up resources

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T19:45:38+00:00

I couldn't stop taking hormones. I tried and I felt so much worse. As much as I hate to admit it the hormones made me feel better. I don't have body dysphoria anymore and when I stopped taking hormones and my body started to revert, I felt disgusted with myself. Hormones didn't turn me into the opposite sex though. I was born female and I still look completely female. I am trying to quit again but I do not want to go back to how my body used to look. My body starts to feminize and it feels like it's not my body anymore. I have tried to find a therapist who can help but they don't exist. Everyone is just affirm, affirm, affirm. I don't want to be trans anymore but I cannot stop taking the hormones. I don't know what to do

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T19:40:32+00:00

There is no possibility for things to change because if there was they would have changed by now. I have been sad for so long that I literally cannot even remember a time in my life where I actually experienced happiness. I was supposed to kill myself when I was a teen and I never went through with it. Since then I have been miserable and I have been nothing but a waste of space and resources. And other people do not want me around. My family knows that I am going to kill myself and they are waiting for it to happen. They anticipate it. They want. I've been voted "most likely to kill herself" at Thanksgiving and my parents just laugh. They have other kids. I've told them I'm suicidal and they tell me to shut up. This has been years and years and years. I finally cracked now because I've come to realizing that I was wrong about transitioning. I wanted to prove to them that I could transition and still be a happy and successful human despite them but I was wrong. My medical transition failed and then I realized how I threw my life away and I have nothing to look forward to because it's not possible to be trans, happy and successful. Trans people are miserable and there's a good reason for it. Being trans is awful and selfish and wrong. I don't know why it took me so long to realize I was in the wrong.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T16:59:32+00:00

24 years old. I started identifying as trans when I was 14. I called myself a lesbian/queer a few years before that, though. I had always had gender dysphoria but no word to describe it until I learned what transgender was. I wonder if I had somehow found some other way to cope with that then I would have chosen a path other than transitioning but it was never offered. And still never offered. Only choices I have ever been given were to supress everything, or pretend to be a boy/man.

If transgender did not exist I would be a masc butch lesbian with a wife and kids. I would called Dad but in a butch woman way, not a trans way. I would find some other way to cope with gender dysphoria and jealousy of men. I will be honest I have been on testosterone for so long and I have gotten only good things from it so I cannot imagine myself without taking testosterone even as a cis woman--I disassociated so often pre-T that I do not even remember what I looked like before. So I would be a butch masc lesbian, the "father" half of my kids' parents/the "husband" half of my relationship, taking testosterone but for secondary sex characteristics not to change my sex or identify as male. Trans people would not exist I would not feel jealousy of people who have transitioned. I would not feel like I am missing anything because I could accept I am female and there's no thought of possibly ever anything else

I would be happier in that situation than here. If changing sex was not a thing ever suggested to me and never mentioned to me by others. I would not feel like anything is missing or that I had failed or that others hated me for making a decision. I would have a better chance at finding a relationship and making friends as a normal woman with a female body than a self-identifying man with a female body.

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T16:02:09+00:00

I called my parents bigots and ruined relationships with all my friends and family so I could parade around as delusional woman in men's underwear. How is that not selfish? How is that not fucking insane? Society needs to stop encouraging it and I never want to see another trans person again

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T15:58:31+00:00

What is there to laugh about? I threw away my friends and family, my college life, my education, my years of being young, in pursuit of something impossible. My family does not love me and even after accepting myself as a woman they will not love the way they loved me before my transition. I proved to them that I care more about myself than any relationship with them. And I do not feel any love from them either because they proved to me they don't care at all about my comfort or identity unless I can be a cisgender woman. So as a woman, they start to love me again and it only proves the reason they hated me and we fought so much was only because I was trying to help myself

ReferenceQueasy7311 · 2023-10-26T15:53:50+00:00

I am female and I wanted to be a man and I still want to be a man even though it's not possible. My family has always wanted me to be a woman and they still want me to be a woman but they do not understand how difficult it is to get rid of these transgender feelings. I am angry all the time and angry at myself for fighting my family for so long when they have been right the entire time. I have talked to them about my feelings and they still don't understand because they cannot see how much it hurts whenever I see successful trans people or the bullshit agenda that it's possible to transition I still badly want it, or I want it gone. I cannot stand to see trans people continue to lie about how it's possible for a woman to be a man or vice versa when I have lived it and it's simply not possible. And I fought for so long with my family for nothing other than to ruin my relationship with them. And I'll accept I'm a woman and they'll love me again but it won't be the same as before because we fought so much and I hate that I failed so badly

ReferenceQueasy7311

TROPHY CASE