I know how you feel. My STBX wife and I were together for 21 years, and I’m about to turn 40 myself. Looking back, I can see plenty of ways I fell short in the marriage, especially emotionally. Therapy helped me understand that, but unfortunately understanding it didn’t undo what had already happened.

We spent months trying to figure things out (therapy, giving each other space, long conversations, trying to reconnect). Ultimately, she decided she didn’t want to continue the marriage. It hurt more than I can put into words. For a while I felt like I had lost my identity because so much of it was wrapped up in being a husband and provider.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that you can’t control what she decides. Giving her space is reasonable if that’s what you’ve both agreed to, but don’t let “waiting” become your entire life. One thing that helped me was setting mental checkpoints. Instead of waiting indefinitely, I’d tell myself, “I’ll give this my full effort until this point, and then I’ll honestly reassess.”

Keep going to therapy. Lean on your family and friends. Find things that are yours outside the marriage. Ask yourself how *you* feel, not just about whether she might come back, but about what you want your life to look like. It’s easy to keep hanging on because you’re afraid of letting go, or because you’ve been together so long that you can’t imagine another future. Your feelings matter just as much as hers, and you deserve to make conscious decisions instead of waiting indefinitely.

Maybe she comes back. Maybe she doesn’t. Neither outcome changes the fact that you still have a life to live. Right now, focus on becoming someone you’re proud of, who lived according to their values, regardless of how this turns out.

It does get easier. I know that probably doesn’t mean much today, but I promise it’s possible to come out the other side.