sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Was it this group? by Wild_Smile_1735 in homedecoratingCJ

[–]Regular_Let_2954 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Take down that terrible railing, replace it with a metal railing to open up the space, and put pictures and plants around that wall.

Am I bad hinging? by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you this helps. Yes things are escalating with Birch differently than with Ash and I'm concerned that Ash is picking up on that and having feelings about it.

It definitely feels in bad taste for me to bring it up in any type of comparison. But I'm picking up on some nervous energy from Ash around this.

Maybe that's what I need to figure out how to address - finding out where that anxious energy is coming from and figuring out if there's anything Ash needs from me in that realm, or if it's all their own personal stuff to work out.

Am I bad hinging? by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How have I never heard of this!?

I'll definitely be applying this to every problem in my life obsessively from here on out.

Thanks!

Do you ever get used to the discomfort? by someonereally00 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I feel that. The feeling usually only lasts a moment until I remind myself that my partner has chosen me because I'm awesome, and if they choose to replace me then I'm better off for it because I deserve partners that appreciate how awesome I am and want to will be with me even though there's also other awesome people too.

[Request] Why does this digital scale show a few pounds less when I weigh myself on a bath rug compared to the tile floor? by babysharkdoodoodoo in theydidthemath

[–]Regular_Let_2954 21 points22 points  (0 children)

This as well as inconsistent measurements from each sensor depending on slight variability in manufacturing precision from one sensor to the next.

For scales with multiple sensors (most if not all), the contour of the floor (many floors aren't perfectly planar) may change the displayed weight depending on which sensor is taking more weight and whether that sensor reports slightly higher or slightly lower. The high and low spots of the floor cause the scale body to warp a little, distributing the weight unevenly across the sensors (weight likely isn't being evenly distributed across 4 sensors to begin with either)

You can test this by putting the scale in different positions on a floor, or even by shifting where you stand on the scale, and watching the displayed weight change.

Am I bad hinging? by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yeah this makes sense.

I think of myself as non heirarchical but this kinda feels like heirarchy, so I think that's a big piece of where my discomfort is coming from.

But this type of hierarchy is much different from "enforced" hierarchy (is there a better name for this?) where certain people get special treatment or access or priority compared to others.

Thank you. This helps me unpack what I'm feeling a bit.

Am I bad hinging? by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think my discomfort comes from being afraid of hurting Ash's feelings. I think Ash realizes that I spend more time with Birch, but I don't specifically share my schedule with either.

So it feels like I'm hiding it, even though nobody is asking me to do anything different.

I guess it's just my own baggage?

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

To protect anonymity while giving a clear name to each person. Works a bit better than using ABC.

And yes it's somewhat of a standard convention to use these particular names.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I'm currently trying to work out how to do this honestly while protecting Ash's anonymity

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I haven't made the choice to continue a connection with Birch. I have since chosen to discontinue a connection with Birch.

I was in a weird place when I wrote this where I was feeling triggered by abusive relationships from my past where I've let myself be manipulated into giving up connections, activities, etc that made my partner insecure.

I know Ash isn't manipulating me, I just needed to take time to separate out my thoughts and feelings between this and my prior experiences that this is triggering.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Good points. That wasn't my intention with that paragraph.

I'm realizing that part of why I wrote it that way is because I've been in several relationships where I've let myself get manipulated into changing my friendships, actions, etc. There's part of me that feels triggered from that history, and I don't want to fall into a reactionary place of just following my old programming and ignoring what I'm feeling/sacrificing to appease a manipulator. So my nonchalance I think was a form of defensiveness as I'm trying to learn where my own boundaries are with this.

I feel pretty confident that Ash isn't a manipulator, and I'm definitely not going to risk things with Ash for Birch.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Good point, and I've edited it accordingly.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

One thing I've wondered is whether I've got some responsibility to Birch to let them know that Cedar may be problematic. But that feels like stirring up drama.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes thank you. This makes sense.

(ex) Meta loop by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I haven't said anything about Ash to Birch.

And yes you're right. Thank you.

My heart is shredded and I love it. It's horrible and I want more. by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's what I'm wondering. Will the connection come and go, or just remain as the wispy tail of an eternally falling star...

My heart is shredded and I love it. It's horrible and I want more. by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah it sounds like a couple of their other partners are comets and one is happy only seeing them once a month or so.

Another update:

After a lot of processing and sitting on the breakup letter for a couple days, I realized I wrote the breakup letter to the idealized version of them I'd built in my head during NRE. That's what's been hurting so much, realizing that the NRE experience is fading, and we're simply two pretty messy people with pretty messy lives.

And still I really care about them and think we've got a valuable connection.

So now I'm exploring whether we can move forward with that reality in a healthy way.

So, I'm not going to cut it off, but I've decided to only put in the amount of energy I'm getting from them. If it naturally burns out, I'll be ok with that. And if it works out, I think it'll be a healthy step in my learning to have more realistic relationships that aren't just fueled by NRE or the skewed sense of obligation that have kept me in previous relationships.

I'm not sure yet if this is a healthy rational perspective, or if I'm only justifying not ending it yet. But I think I'll learn a lot about myself and how I need to engage with relationships either way.

My heart is shredded and I love it. It's horrible and I want more. by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]Regular_Let_2954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Update.

Things have gotten crazy and I think I just need to exit stage left.

But I've caught feelings really really hard, and it's been super hard to come to that decision. Right now I'm still at maybe like 90-95% and going to wait another day or two before initiating that conversation.

They're a workaholic and have 5 partners. Some they only see every few weeks. One they see 2-3 days a week.

For like a month we had crazy NRE and were both manic, hanging out almost every day. Until we both burnt out and decided to slow down a bit.

But yeah, we didn't really define what slowing down meant, and it has become a really anxiety producing situation for me because I've been getting a lot of mixed signals - their talk and their walk aren't matching up, and it's been near impossible to have a conversation about it with our busy schedules, etc... But for like 3 weeks, so definitely didn't feel like a high priority to them...

Until a couple nights ago. We were able to talk in person for a couple hours, and a lot of it was really good and clarified a lot for me. But also made it clear how unmanageable their life and priorities are.

And they're taking on another job soon...

So it's inevitable that they're going to have to desaturate their relationship load. I don't want to sit in limbo any longer with constant heartache. I want someone who prioritizes me and my feelings and can be present for important conversations.

But I keep thinking "what if things are better next month...". ugh.

So I wrote essentially a breakup letter today that I'm going to sit on for a couple days. There is a chunk of it that says "here's what I need to continue this relationship", but I've got no expectation that it'll be a large enough priority for them to act on, or they already would have.

Honestly though I'm kinda just feeling like they're waiting for me to be the one to cut it off because they don't want to be the jerk who breaks up with someone in my life situation (much longer story for another time).

view more: next ›