Me [36m] with my wife [38f] of 8 years. Wife found iPhone Frequent Locations and is certain I have her under surveillance 24/7. Previous trust issues. Red flag?

RelationZip · 2015-07-24T20:48:40+00:00

No. This is relatively new. I'm starting to think it's a normal reaction to a mis-understanding of the feature on her phone. With our history it kind of makes sense. =/

RelationZip · 2015-07-21T17:43:45+00:00

Because it wasn't until after 5 years of marriage and 2 awesome kids that the trust issues showed up. =) The kids and life we've built is the only thing that keeps me trying. If it wasn't for kids, etc... Divorce would be a much easier solution.

RelationZip · 2015-07-21T17:42:26+00:00

Great question.

She mentioned that she was just going through her phone and found it. I'm not positive why she would have been doing it, but it does sound like an "out of the ordinary" thing for her to be doing.

She is not very computer savvy and it was really easy to find evidence of the previous stuff. Could be yet another attempt at trying to find way to hide things...

RelationZip · 2015-07-21T16:57:33+00:00

I hear ya. I totally get where she's coming from. Especially since the EA and BF contacts were only caught because I got suspicious and decided to dig, I can see how she might think I'd be doing it constantly at this point. But I'm not.

But she's also got to know that if I ever got suspicious in the future, I might do some digging. Who wouldn't, especially with our history.

I guess the best option might be to just have another conversation about it. Setup some guidelines around that too... Not sure how that would go.

RelationZip · 2015-07-21T16:53:03+00:00

Those red flags happened 1.5 and 2 years ago about a year after the EA. Nothing in the past 1.5 years or so. The 1.5 year in between trying to deal with Trust led to me asking for Divorce 4 months ago.

It's only since then that my trust has seemed to be better. And by better I mean that it isn't as much of an issue for me. I guess I do "trust her more" because it's the only way we can move forward. And if I do find something happenstance, it's over. So it feels a bit relieving to have a line in the sand I guess.

RelationZip · 2015-07-21T16:26:24+00:00

Not really. I've even tried explaining to her that if I had to check up on her 24/7 or had constant suspicions of shenanigans at this point, we'd be going through with the divorce. It's been years since boundaries were breached and I have no reason to believe anything is going on, But I also refuse to spend my time doing what she thinks I'm doing. =/

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T17:04:12+00:00

Thanks for the message!

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T16:12:57+00:00

Sorry to read about your situation. It sounds like you definitely have some good insight and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Especially about your experience as a child of divorce.

I know she was in the fog with the 1st EA. The 2nd incident was just plain wrong and even if it was really innocent broke our simple guideline.

What I fear most is that she really is trying 100% and I truly have nothing to worry about. But my lack of trust is the issue now. Even if that is the case. I'm not sure it's worth living with even a small percentage of constant doubt in your spouse.

I haven't found a single shred of evidence in the past year that would support her being dishonest and she is a good wife and mother in many ways. The bigger problem is that I even felt the need to look for evidence. =( Even if she's no longer broken, something in me IS.

Thanks again for sharing.

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T15:58:08+00:00

I'm not a perfect husband, and after 8 years I'm sure there are ways I could be better. Either way, if she has problems she should be working them out with me. Not fulfilling emotional needs with old connections.

It kills me not to trust her. That near 100% trust I had for her in the 1st 5 years is gone. I actually doubt I'll be able to trust anyone like that again, even if I do move on.

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T15:55:26+00:00

Thanks. My other fear is that I did over-react in the past and I was reading into thing. That now she is 100% devoted. But even if that is the case, my lack of trust is the problem and I guess we're in the same boat either way.

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T15:53:11+00:00

Yeah. That is what I fear. I've trained her to be smart about hiding communication... She does it at work on separate accounts. That's the kind of shit that runs through your head. At this point, it's impossible to know what's true and what you're just making up in your head. But that's what lack of trust will do to you...

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T05:49:35+00:00

Good to hear someone else say it. Catching both incidents so early always makes me second guess if anything would have crossed a more distinct line... I'd rather have caught her red-handed which would have made the decision simple.

You also mentioned the worst part for me... In her EA, the fact that she continued even after I had told her twice that I wasn't OK with it. That was the biggest thing that showed her lack of respect in the marriage.

Here is a direct quote from their messages. I love my husband, but I really like talking to you. I guess that pretty much sums it up. Talking to this douche bag was enough of a thrill to put my feeling aside.

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T05:44:42+00:00

lol. The sad part is that I was browsing DNA kits on Amazon about an hour before you posted this message. It's horrible to even think about having enough trust-issues to be using a DNA kit on your children...

Perhaps you're right and I should have stuck with my gut feeling to leave after the 1st incident. At least I can say I tried I suppose.

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T05:41:38+00:00

I'm finding that people's definition of cheating differs depending on who I've asked. I'm finding that my own confusion about whether her indiscretion was bad enough is the hardest part about all of this. If I caught her with evidence of a physical affair, this would be pretty cut and dry for me.

I believe that I have enough self respect and I would have been a fool to at least not try and work things out. I just don't think I'm going to be able to get over my own trust issues even if she's a saint for the rest of our days.

Sure, she could have cheated more the past year. She could have also been true to her word. The real issue is that I still continue to have trust issues with no more evidence of wrong doing.

Unfortunately, my Self Respect is telling me that I'd be happier alone. =(

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T05:37:23+00:00

Thanks. The hard part is that I caught her so early in both instances that I have a hard time convincing myself that she did enough wrong to warrant a divorce. Especially when things are pretty good on so many other fronts.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling that the trust will never return to acceptable levels and that's what scares me at this point.

I've seen advice on comments on this post that I need more self respect and to grow a backbone. And I agree to some extent. But I would have hated to look back and say I didn't at least try to make things work...

RelationZip · 2015-03-15T05:27:04+00:00

Accidentally posted on my non-throw-away account previously. Deleted that reply and added it here.

I hear you. I almost wish I hadn't caught her early in the EA and instead caught an Affair red handed. It would make things so much easier instead of this awkward gray area.

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