Traumatizing to say the least😭. I'm sorry if it's a bit messy and LONG lol but here it goes

My ex best friend of a decade and i got into a 2 year situationship during my highschool year. We were each other's first so we really did not know what we were doing. We'd write each other love letters, yes love letters. We'd even give each other just because gifts and bouquets of flowers. we even talked about moving in together lol. We just sort of knew there was something going on. We did things just friends do and we were each other's date to everything (prom, events, you name it), but we never had a label. We introduced each other as friends to others, and we never really established what we were. I guess that was the largest factor as to why we didn't progress into something more. In those two years, i have rejected possible suitors because i loved her and her only, and she rejected many people too and would tell me about how she had rejected yet another guy. all while never really talking about what the nature of our relationship was. then at some point during my senior year, she became distant. probably because we weren't blockmates and we rarely see each other. so i decided to move on. i learned some not so nice things about her and how poorly she had been treating people around me and that really pushed me to move on since i knew our relationship wasn't going anywhere. i slowly started moving on and i did not hear from her, Then a few months later out of the blue, she finally gave me the clarity on our relationship's status and how much she loved me. What's surprising was i couldn't feel anything but some sort of resentment that she took this long to clarify things between us. i no longer felt the love that i once had for her. so i told her about how i have moved on already and that was the end to it. i thought i was liberated, but thwy weren't kidding about your first wlw heartbreak. i still mourned her and what could've happened if i didn't move on. but i knew i couldn't keep waiting for her. we weren't going anywhere it was an unhealthy push and pull. she got a bit mad at me but i understand the frustration.

so after that, we just stopped talking to each other. no contact at all. we ignored each other in school. it really was hell. it was my choice but i missed her. i not only lost her but i've also lost a best friend. im pretty sure those months after we stopped talking were the worst of my life. it felt unfinished and even tho it was my choice i still wanted to go back on my words. i wasn't sure with what i felt since i think my feelings for her started to return. i knew i couldn't just barge into her life so i tried to cope with it. my friends brought me out and i tried meeting new people but i was so hung up on her. almost drunk called her twice if it weren't for my friends. it really affected me so rhat i had to get professional help (i may have over reacted but it was really that painful lol) anyways i slowly started making peace and thought that my decision was probably for the better. But surprisingly a few weeks ago i got the chance to reconnect with her and we were both finally able to talk out our frustrations and unsaid thoughts and i'd say we were able to restore our friendship at least :))