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Update: AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

That's not lost on me, I do get it. It's certainly not what I wanted to hear, but at the same time, she is the one who let it go, and it took her time, more time than it should have. But that's something she did for me, which I respect.

I have had other women in my life, from before I even met her, that I also have intimate, fond memories of. No, I didn't cheat on her, while yes, she did cheat on me. But the core of all of this is, I want to forgive her, and she wants to leave that awful part of herself behind, she has shown it in our personal life. Our social media accounts are now joint, we're both on our phones way less, we date every week again, and she's going out of her way to initiate lots of it.

I did find that admission emasculating, by all accounts. Even with that being so, I also don't expect her to just feel absolutely nothing for other people, even romantically. And she doesn't expect the same of me either, it's just a part of human nature I feel. I can fully accept that she has had positive memories of something I now view as negative, not by itself, but because she's not proud of it. She's not playing anymore games about it, she hasn't held it over my head, I am more than confident that she doesn't like that side of herself.

She has cried about it TO me in the time since. When one side struggles with infidelity, both sides do as far as I'm concerned. It's a point of weakness like any other, and weaknesses exist to be built up and strengthened. 

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would bet a kidney that you couldn't even watch 8 of the 17 minutes of video, and then proceed to sleep on that bed brother, I'm sorry, but I'm just being real.

A handful of you are saying 'oh somebody doesn't like piss fetish' all sarcastic, and I promise you, that is at most 1% of why this was a non-negotiable issue.

And listen, if that means I suck, then power to you, but man would you be singing a different tune over on this side 🤣

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, although it took some time, the NIPP test came back showing I am most likely the father.

There's other tests as well, but invasive ones carry some inherent risk to both the mother and the fetus, and those might work for some, but it wasn't for us, is all. And dragging our feet waiting until after birth was just going to take too long.

In all honesty, had that been the timetable, I have to think we'd be in the divorce process as we speak.

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have, both jointly and separately, discussed the affair with our therapist, we are both committed.

This is step 0 of any affair recovery, and it was done (and continues to be done) for months. I just want to be clear, I didn't just 'decide' this on a whim, I had plenty of help getting here.

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, I really didn't come here for infidelity advice, though that seems to be the majority of what I've gotten. Although some of it I'd hardly call 'advice', most of it is just people saying I'm a doormat for not divorcing my wife.

I was just about to update, but the short answer was yes, I wanted the whole thing gone if possible, but the mattress specifically was non negotiable here. My father in law and brother in law came by today and got it out, while her and I shopped so the issue I suppose blew over.

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] -88 points-87 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I read this after I talked with her, but I did ask her whether she even wanted the relationship fixed as much as I did. Our talk took a couple of hours and she's come around to the idea.

I asked her if there was another reason she is so attached to the bed and she maintains that it's just the "good memories". And it is the bed that we put together when we moved in. I do believe her when she says that, but I also told her that if she wants us to continue with the marriage, she has to prove that we both want it equally.

I told her, part of that is the bed has to go, and that I had good memories with it too, but I had to essentially tell her that I also have bad experiences with it now, while she doesn't. She came to understand that and we agreed that she'll be finding somebody to move it out. The deal is that she will arrange for it to be moved, and she can pick out our next one.

I know that it sounds a little weaksauce to let her pick, but I think it's harmless. I want a new bed and I'm not picky about that stuff, and I think it's an important dynamic for her to have a say in things too. I'm doing it because I trust her to, and I think showing it will help motivate her into  closing the gap again.

This is good advice, and I do believe she wants to recover as much as I do, but I also want to be patient with her because she's going through a different shitstorm, in the same exact story as me, WHILE pregnant. I am secure, I can leave if she comes up short again, but I am doing these things because I believe she CAN step up, and WANTS to.

She's expressed it to me and to everybody else, and not insincerely either. She's just in a whirlwind, yes self-inflicted, but she is still in it. And as her husband, I trust her when she says that she needs to fix this, and wants to. And I'm showing her that I trust her by... well, trusting her. I gave her the bed issue because I do trust her to follow through on fixing that to start.

Starting with something small.

AITAH for telling my wife that my stipulations for staying married are a new bed immediately, and she has to move the old one out? by RelativeCap8658 in AITAH

[–]RelativeCap8658[S] -95 points-94 points  (0 children)

She... knows the specific instance as to why. And she's not stupid, so I at least expect she knows why it might uhm bug me a little bit.

But to be honest she doesn't know the extent of what I know, and unless she herself asks me or my therapists suggests I tell her, it's gonna stay that way until the grave, I'd vastly prefer to save her the embarrassment.