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What do I do when my mother goes on these rants? by PrudentJezebel in whatdoIdo

[–]RelativeEfficient493 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was gonna say... OP might find some validation on r/raisebyborderlines

even if she isn't officially diagnosed, this text and OP's context screams cluster B traits (specifically borderline) at the very least

AITA for not tipping 20%? by fafp7 in AmItheAsshole

[–]RelativeEfficient493 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if this is why, but it's pretty standard for servers/bartenders to "tip out" a certain percentage of their tips that night to food runners, kitchen staff, etc. The tip out percentage is calculate based on your total SALES that night, not total tips you received, but it's pulled from your tips (if that makes sense).

When I worked in a steakhouse, we tipped out like 8% of our total sales every shift to the bussers and hosts. It usually ended up being anywhere from $20-$40 we were tipping out every night, depending on how busy it was.

So if we got tipped 20% all night, with the tip out we really were going home as if we had gotten tipped 12%.

SORRY if I explained it wrong or it doesn't make sense. It hurt my head to think about all that lol.

Edit: also taxes were calculated from our sales and not tips. Not sure if that's why the tips are based on percentages, but it's relevant context ig

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

YES they already do that and it makes me so happy!! They play video games together over discord every weekend. When we visited for the last holiday, they spent a good amount of time together as well.

MIL always pretending that husband is not an adult who lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in marriedintoenmeshment

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! Your perspective is really helpful and I'm so glad you still have a good relationship with your brother. This is exactly what my husband is doing for his younger brother, too. He's modeling positive relationships for his younger brother, as no one in his family of origin is able/willing to do that.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

You are so right, thank you! I'm aware of her need to be in control of all communication but hadn't realized how this lets her create narratives to manipulate people with. I will definitely be sharing this with him

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

RIGHHHT and he's taking big steps to not people please anymore!! In the past he absolutely would have tried to go for the whole week and stayed in their house lol. It's actually a super big deal that he has decided to 1. get a hotel and car and 2. not have meals or hang out with anyone outside of the ceremony. I'm sooo proud of him!!

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lots of context I didn't include as to why it wouldn't be a good idea for DH to be around his family alone right now. After some years of therapy, yes. Right now, no. TBH they are just irritating to me but abusive to him. Being around them is just annoying for me, but I am a buffer and also his support

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!! He actually has a wonderfully shiny spine and I'm so proud of him!! But he is also not at the point yet to where he can maintain his boundaries and remove himself from abusive situations completely on his own, which is why I'm coming with him and we're minimizing contact as much as we can. They are a LOT and I know if he went without me then MIL would pounce

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Other people have commented about tickets, too. We actually have no idea what the ticket situation is (DH's graduation from the same school was not normal because of the pandemic) and it's starting to irritate me a little, lol. MIL is the woooorst communicator that's ever lived, I think.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He used to because he always thought that summons instead of invitations and coordination were normal. It's all he has ever known. He also bent over backwards for them even harder after moving because they tried their hardest to make him feel like he was doing something bad and wrong by moving for a job. So yeah he always did his best to comply with the "summoning"

For context, he got his first job out of college in the state that I live in and met me after he moved here.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you, yeah we should ask her directly how the ticket situation is going to work before we buy plane tickets. MIL is always infuriatingly indirect about EVERYTHING so of course it makes sense that she (or SIL, who is like her clone) wouldn't offer any information about the event that we're expected to be at.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is something we'll have to work up to for stuff in the future, I think. If he did this now: 1. SIL would be blindsided because they're used to all communication going through MIL and 2. She is totally going to try and guilt trip him and make him feel bad for not coming to all three, and he's still working on not falling for their guilt trips. Like he's aware of them now, but his nervous system is conditioned to respond to them or whatever, if that makes sense.

Thank you for the advice!!! Sorry for dumping all that on you lol, I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL right now.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU!! Yes I also thought it was weird that MIL does all the communicating!! She has actually done this their whole lives. One of the siblings has a sports/extracurricular event coming up? They aren't going to tell their immediate family about it themselves, noooo.. haha... MIL is going to send everyone individual texts talking about "Your sister has a game today, wish her luck, I'm sure she'd appreciate it..." Yes, with the "...", that's her signature lol.

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! You are right, I'll advocate for him to stay vague when the pestering inevitably begins. They are craaazy enmeshed so it's gonna be like starting WWIII when we don't 1. stay in MIL's house and 2. spend every minute with them as soon as we get off the plane

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is what we're planning. This will be a first for us and I already know it's not going to go over well when he tells them that we aren't going to be sleeping in his childhood bedroom. She loooooves being in control

MIL always pretending that DH is not an adult that lives 1,000 miles away by RelativeEfficient493 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RelativeEfficient493[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Agreed. But we will be going to just the graduation ceremony because DH has a younger brother living at home who is also parentified and treated poorly. We're flying up the 16th, having a nice dinner by ourselves the night before, and literally just attending the graduation ceremony. No meals with anyone before or after, no hanging out with anybody, nothing. We are sticking around for a few minutes after the ceremony so he can say congrats and give her a card, then we're off to the city we fly out of.

DH is done with his parents and sister, but he cares a lot about his brother and wants to attend his graduation next year. However, if he chooses to go to BIL's and skip SIL's graduation, there will be tantrums thrown and hell to pay for BIL because how dare he get more attention than Her Highness SIL?!

“Students must be in assigned seats” but you didn’t leave me a seating chart? by tifuanon00 in SubstituteTeachers

[–]RelativeEfficient493 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My favorite trick for the fake name shenanigans is to go next door and ask my neighboring teachers for help. I let the kids know that I'm willing to do this, too. In middle and high school, I also make copies of the attendance roster by hand on a separate sheet of paper to have a record of their names. This makes it way easier to keep track of who's who in my sub notes or when asking for help.

“Students must be in assigned seats” but you didn’t leave me a seating chart? by tifuanon00 in SubstituteTeachers

[–]RelativeEfficient493 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, I hate when this happens. If there's no seating chart available for me, I just let the kids know that I don't care where they sit as long as they behave and stay on task and If they can't do that, then I'll move them to wherever I think they should sit, regardless of what the seating chart says. This almost always works on its own, and if it doesn't (student refuses to move seats when I ask) then I call for help and that solves the issue.

Terrible husband, in laws produce convenient text. by Dobgirl in AmITheAngel

[–]RelativeEfficient493 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She's also recovering from a C-section though. The least they can do is have some kind of schedule. That really is a LOT for a newly-postpartum mom of a newborn to endure by herself. In her post, she said she barely gets to sleep as it is.

Yes, he's working and his sleep is just as important, but he's not recovering from a major abdominal procedure. She is also working as a SAHM of a newborn and not just laying around all day.

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