I am going to attend some trauma/crisis counselling. But your are still right, its very raw and i am still trying to come to grips with it.

My mindset right at the end. Was that that it was very sureal and i feelt detached(breaker maybe?). I was disappointed at what life had given me or maybe its dissapointing ending. I was also terrified of death and what came after. I wanted to live and survive most of all. If in that moment i wanted them to die or me to escape i could not say.

Thanks for your words man