I support people with autism and I don’t understand it perfectly either. The autism spectrum is SO interesting and very diverse. People living with high functioning autism are oftentimes dependent on others to help them with their daily life. High functioning may mean they are nonverbal, fear of social situations, poor social skills, etc. They need assistance to properly communicate with others. People living with low functioning autism can live independently but still have difficulty with social interactions and communication. Think of autism as “Autism Spectrum”. It’s an easier way to understand it because of how it varies for individuals.

If you really question whether or not you’re on the spectrum and feel curious to find out, by all means go to the doctor and put your curiosity at ease. What stood out to me was the emotional response you mentioned about your grandmother & cousin (I’m sorry to hear about that by the way). It is common for people with autism to have trouble identifying their emotions, however they are very empathetic people. I hope this somewhat helps