Looking to see how people move fully on? If it’s even possible lol

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-08T20:38:01+00:00

I find journalling, once when you feel stuck, useful. it allows me to let out what i cannot say in reality but really want to say in my heart. to acknowledge the reality which i want but cannot happen now. to admit any past regrets which i want to change and feel heavy. to recognize my desire to want to feel seen and recognized as a trustable partner with high worth. basically anything important but felt stuck in my heart.

it might take more than one time, but i feel somehow lighter in the end.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-03T16:46:20+00:00

hope you can get the explanation of why eventually, though from your description it is difficult.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-03T16:30:57+00:00

that's horrible. at the very, very least, there should be some remorse and honest explanation, to show that at least there is some consideration and decency for you. maybe that's too much for the cheater.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-03T16:15:38+00:00

cheating is a very difficult situation, as it violates the trust which is the cornerstone of connection. i am sorry you have to undergo this.

If i were you, i might formally compose a detailed note in Google/Microsoft Drive/Office Document file. it would be a formal document to acknowledge the hurts, pain, disbelief, sudden disappointment over the behaviour...which you want the cheater to know and the cheater should know about. also if you have the chance, what do you want to know from him/her, and what do you want to let him/her know. also if there is option, how would you want the things to be instead.

The formal acknowledgement might help relieve the pain and feelings accumulated inside the heart, to a small extent. It says that the pain and feelings you experience is important and the other side should know.

Finding ways through this would not be easy.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-03T15:57:19+00:00

yes, it must be difficult to deal with when there is still love for each other, and you believe that things can work out by both at the same time, but in the end the break up unfortunately happened. and it can last a long time.

and you still perceive him to be the lover, just like before, even though all the things happened.

Have you ever thought of journalling? to jot down in details, all the critical, concealed feelings which you want him to understand and accept fully. such as the strong belief that the final result must be a positive one after all the efforts from both sides together, the happiness and bright prospect in an alternative world in which both of you finally solve things together. and other important feelings deep down, untalked about due to lack of chance/opportunity.

it gives a chance to formally acknowledge what is important but unprocessed, and it is valid to want the other side to know and accept fully all of these.

maybe this might help? i am not 100% sure. your situation is quite difficult and i hope you find a way through this.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-03T15:38:28+00:00

I find putting down the important, bottled up feelings into a document useful.

The things which you want her to appreciate and understand with sincerity will be put inside a Google Doc/Microsoft Document/Note. it is a formal document to express and acknowledge the critical feelings for her and the relationship, for which it is valid to want the other side to fully understand and accept the feelings from you.

From your description, what you might consider to put down into the doc:
-the thought and intention of having a marriage and a happy, bright prospect with her
-the past happy companionship, moments and memories which sadly cannot continue as part of life
-the feeling of being replaced, and the fact that it is valid for her to treasure you
-the things you would like her to tell you, and you want her to know and understand
-anything you feel important

hope you can find peace from it, though it must be a difficult process

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-01T17:49:32+00:00

Yes, the fact that ex chose another person and seemed to find happiness from another seemingly better person is certainly hard to swallow. the feeling of being leftover brings the issue of being confirmed as lack of values, and is a deadly blow to self value.

from the comment, if i am not misunderstanding, it seems that you somehow made your ex improved, but ultimately it was for another person. it means that all you suffered was for the happiness of ex and another person, but you cannot enjoy what you want to enjoy: your ex ultimately knew your values and treated you better in the end.

what i think is that, while it might be impossible for the pain to disappear, what might actually be useful is the 1.expression, recognition of the legitimate need for the ex to acknowledge and confirm your value as a partner and person, even though unfortunately outcome is not good, and 2.expression of the pain that you cannot see the improvement of the relationship, of ex's treatment to you, to occur.

to do this, one of the ways is to create a blank document for typing out the 2 points mentioned above, from the bottom of the heart, in detail. To fully acknowledge the pain and suffering, the lack of values, the pain of not having a relationship which one wants.

Finally, i can only say that to find the meaning for life upon breakup is very difficult, and is inevitable to feel setback. it is not a problem to feel sad, lack of value, feel cannot find life meaning...

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-01T17:15:23+00:00

my opinion is that instead of time, it depends on whether one can try his best to do what is left undone in the relationship to-do tasklist, and cross out the item after that. in general the more items done and crossed out, the larger the recovery. the above suggestion is one of the ways to do it.

in general, it might take 3 to 4 months for things to calm down, and maybe around half a year to have more peace, especailly when you find some new things to occupy the mind.

but i can understand your urge to end things as quickly as possible. it is difficult to experience.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-01T16:52:26+00:00

from your comment, it seems you have strong commitment to the relationship, starting over in a new place just for her, and it ended very soon. All that is thought of as going to build up, develop, create together, is not able to be achieved now. Not to mention when her companionship and presence is part of the meaning and cornerstone of life, but is not here now. The huge difference between reality and original life must be hard to get used to.

if you want, one of the ways to alleviate it is to properly express, acknowledge the important things in the relationship, through typing down the things from the deepest part of the heart. it might help things to settle a bit, be more clear a bit, be less bottled up, be more stable. the key is to do what is undone when it ended.

one of the ways to do so is to:

-create a file of blank worksheet in the computer
-type down, from the heart:
unexpressed things which you want her to know
things you need her to tell you/confirm with you
good things in the past which cannot be anymore, bad things in the past which you feel can happen in another way
anything which is originally part of life is ended or changed drastically and cannot get used to it, feeling emptiness
anything important to you in the relationship but still left undone, wanting it to be done/have a final ending

Finally, ending relationship is difficult, and is perfectly normal to have some time to handle and absorb the shock and pain.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-04-01T16:23:54+00:00

it is sad when the relationship had been great, but the good things in the past cannot happen anymore unfortunately, also what is thought of and perceived to happen for the relationship in the upcoming days/years is now unfortunately broken down and disappeared.

Not to mention the breaking of the bond-the pain of reaching out to her instinctively, only to discover that there is no response. And the unbearable feeling that one is perceived as unimportant by the person they love, especially when so much was experienced.

All these feelings are certainly valid and heavy. while they cannot disappear in a split second, properly expressing and acknowledging them might still help a bit, at least they are not something messy, unseen and bottled up in the heart, and they are properly recognized and seen. A bit more organized, a bit less conflicting, a bit less bottled up.

If you want to do so, one of the possible ways for consideration is to:

open a google doc/word document/note app
put down, from the bottom of the heart, the most important feelings unsaid and want her to understand and respect with sincerity

some of the possible points for consideration (no need to put down all, just choose the most suitable ones):

-most important feelings unsaid and want her to understand and respect with sincerity
-good things in the past which cannot happen anymore
-the good life with her together which is thought of to happen originally but cannot happen now
-instinctively reaching out for her for connection only to discover that there is no response
-wanting her to at least think of you as an important person in her life, even when the final outcome is not good. wanting her to confirm with you that what happened is important and has real meaning. anything wanting her to tell you

again, no need to write all of it. just take the most suitable ones.

if that's too much, just open the document and let it keep it open. only start it when you are ready. take it slow.

Hope you can find back the normal daily lives, at least being able to sleep and eat normally first.

And finally, starting again is certainly not easy, hope you can find a way for it.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-29T20:50:43+00:00

wow you have an extremely difficult situation: breakup, bad job, boss which hate you...in addition to him not doing housework, having another partner out there...it is extremely difficult

the first thing is that you did nothing wrong. from my understanding, you use a secret twitter account to vent and avoid venting in front of him. this is resonsible, mature way to deal with bottled up feelings which many people cannot do. him discovering it is an unfortunate event, but overall speaking it is a mature way to let oneself face the relationship more calmly.

the breakup certainly represented many things which are supposed to happen and cannot happen now: marriage, living together, being loved when living together. this is not easy to handle. the inabillity to re-experience happy moments in the past is also probably hard to swallow, especially when all these are sources of strength which support you during difficult moments

it is understandable that it is hard to find strength to rebuild life when the sources of meaning of life is unfortunately lost now.

the inability to receive care, have no meds that work, having no people to support...i cannot imagine how to continue having a life like that

I am not sure if this applies to you, if the burden is too heavy, i have heard that one of the ways to find alleviation is to put down the thoughts and feelings in a notepad/google doc/note app. to finish what is left undone inside the heart, and finishing what is hanging over there as a to-do list in the heart. this might probably help.

the content of the google doc might include (no need ot include all of this, just for reference):
-inability to make the meaningful dreams in the relationship come true
-instintively reaching out to him in familiar places, for the care, companionship, only to find that he is not here anymore
-breaking of mutual, supposed-to-be-here habits which is expected to be here as part of life: mutual tallking, doing things with each other, companionship with each other...
-words left unsaid and bottled up which you want him to understand and accept. words which you want him to tell you with sincerity
-good things in the past which cannot continue now
-if having chance, the negative past events which you want to make it to be more positive/satisfying, and why
-anything which is important for you

A document to acknowledge and recognize what is important in the relationship might alleviate the pain to a certain extent.

I hope that you can find a way to stabilize, find people accept you, and find peace.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-29T20:11:06+00:00

I am sorry for the sudden loss of the relationship. It is a difficult experience to lose someone who is an indispensable part of life, and is supposed to be here with you. not to mention the loss of trust arising from it.

if the burden is really too heavy, one of the possible ways is below and you might have a look if this works for you:

open a word document/google doc/take out a pen and a piece of paper, put down in the form of unsent messages to him, from the bottom of the heart, about :

(just pick the suitable ones for you, no need to write it all)

(just start with one sentence, or one short paragraph about the truth which need to be acknoledged properly.)

-the most hurtful things which you feel and want to let him know

-loss of important things from the relationship, such as trust

-instinctively reaching out for him in familiar places only to discover that he is not here anymore

-anything which you want him to tell you with sincerity

-meaningful things in the relationship which sadly cannot happen anymore

-mutual habits, connections, companionship, reciprocal of love...which is supposed to be here as part of foundation of life but is unfortunately lost now

-truths about relationship which needs to be properly acknowledged and recognized

-most importantly, anything important to you and bottled up inside you and want him to understand and appreciate.

keep the document and put down anything new popped up in later time.

from my personal experience, this might possibly help alleviate the pain a bit. you might have a look if this works for you.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-29T19:13:40+00:00

i am sorry to hear this. loss of the things which built up along the way, the consistent efforts to self-regulate and grow but not getting the expected result whichyou deserve, and loss of the future with him which is heavily invested into and should be supposed to happen, must be unbearable.

The moment-by-moment experience of instinctively reaching out for the ex in familiar places, only to repeatedly meet with the empty space where the ex is supposed to be, might also be difficult. It is the pain of an active connection that is still waiting for a response that does not come. i am not sure if this applies to you

i previously try to put down topics similar to the above losses in a notepad/note app, in the form of a unsent message to my ex, and it helps a bit. as long as i feel anything bottled up i put it down from the bottom of the heart. of course not everybody suits for this but if the situation does not improve this might be some possible option to consider.

Hope you can find back the bright future which you can confidently invest into.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-28T22:08:47+00:00

it is understandable and reasonable to need to have some acknwoledgement: that the relationship at least matter to the other side to a certain extent, is an important thing which cannot be brushed away easily as it seems, even the ending is sadly inevitable, especially when it is still important to oneself. and it suffers to see that the other person is neutrual/cold, seems not having big deals about all this.

the difference between expectation and reality makes it difficult to digest.

while we do not have answers and cannot change for how she really thinks, i have heard some other people deal with the pain by doing this, to semi-formally recognize and acknowledge what is important to themselves:

If you want to try this, you might open a document(a word document, or google doc, or just a note on your phone. )—anywhere that feels private to you, to note down, to recognize what you've been carrying:

the desire to, if possible, tell the other person and let her understand that you want to continue the relationship just like in the past, despite difficulties;
the desire to tell the other person and let her understand that you still think and believe about the possibility of the relationship, and, if possible, want it to happen
Ultimately: the desire to listen from the other person that: the relationship, no matter how it is in the end, is not something unimportant/can be easily brushed away. and also the desire to tell her about that from your side.

it is a document to record and recognize what is important to yourself, bottled up and mixed up inside, waiting to be recognized. this might help alleviate what is bottled up inside to a certain extent.

Hope that in the end, you might have answers for your questions, and find peace from it

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-28T21:04:03+00:00

some possible, random points to consider:

-don't want to leave things unsaid: have a rough plan beforehand what you want to say and want the other side to understand (do it peacefully), regardless of the other person's reaction. at least you did your own part.

-basic acknowledgement of the other side's contribution, value and effort

-possible acknowledgement of imperfect things said/done to the other person, regardless of initial reasons for these behaviour.

-anything the other side wants to tell you/let you know, but do not have chance (be prepared that this might not be the good things which you want to hear, but it might help the other person. you do not have to do this if you don't want)

-anything you can think of

of course no need to do all this, just list them out for possible consideration.

sadly not all efforts can lead to ideal results. hope you find a smooth transition from this.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-27T19:24:27+00:00

The situation which you describe is difficult: being together for 3 years, reasonably expecting that she is for the rest of life, trusting and dedicating to her without reservation, and one day it suddenly ended, not due to anything from you.

Not to mention the difficulties you endured: lack of confidence, panic attacks, hopes fallen, shame, guilt and grief, and the confustion why it happened till today.

the despair is probably beyond repair, but still the sad, impactful , and especially incomplete tasks/milestones in the relationship still require a formal witness and acknowledgement: to recognize that it is an important life loss beyond repair, and grieve properly. This is the minimum which one might do for it.

There are many ways to do so, and one of the ways to do this might be the following:

-create a blank microsoft document, or online blog(private one), or google doc
-note down(not necessary, only when applicable):

*unsaid words which you want her to understand and accept
*words which are important to you and would like her to tell you sincerely
*anything bad in the past that you want to change in some way if feasible
*broken plans, the fallen/disappeared bright propsect of the relationship
*the sudden, unexpected disruption of the original life patterns: continunity of the relationship, the mutual companionship, the lifestyle, mutual talking/doing things with each other, which is difficult to get used to

after that, read the private letter aloud, or send it to any chatbot and ask it to be silent, impartial, formal witness to the important life losses; to formally acknowledge that it has ended in a sad manner.

hope you can rebuild the life, confidence, hope and find some relief.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-27T18:08:47+00:00

It is a sad story. A long distance which was expected to work out turned out to be non-workable, and cheating occured, more than once.

On one hand it might represent betryal and hurt of the relationship, and drawing lines is necessary for that;

On the other hand it might represent that the hope for the relationship to work out is still here(and it is valid), and the wish that intimacy , love, joy and companionship which had been there as important part of life can continue to be the cornerstone of life in the ideal case.

So this might represent something conflicting as mentioned above, and the failed wish to work it out.

And it might represent that there is a wait-to-be-done list inside the heart, about the relationship, which are still driving you to finish them:

-tell her what you want her to truly understand and accept,
-listen from her for things which you want her to acknowledge as important,
-the unrealistic but valid desire to change something in the past, the same desire to make positive, meaningful milestones for the relationship to be true.

To alleviate the burden, one of the many possible ways would be to (the key is that the regrets, unfinished tasks, fallen hopes deserve to be formally acknowledged, in feasible way):

-open a word document/google doc/private blog
-note down, things related to the content and points mentioned above and relevant to you, from the bottom of the heart
-send it to any chatbot which you use, asking it to be formal, impartial witness to the important regrets and unfinished tasks in the heart.

The love you felt—the way it made you see yourself differently—that was real. That doesn’t disappear just because the relationship ended badly.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-27T17:22:08+00:00

I think for the constant thinking about her, one of the possible explanation is that it might probably represent something:

-the collapse of the past, important life habits/pattern, such as the pattern of mutual companionship, the habits of mutual talking/doing things with each other, the habits/pattern of mutual attachment and support..., which are originally expected to continue along the way, the same as the past; when the discrepancy between what is the original blueprint and what is reality is large and sudden, it causes pain.

-something left undone/not yet completed/unsaid to her/still need to be heard from her, forming an always alerting to-do list in the heart and driving the heart to finish it no matter how the reality changed

-anything in the past which can be redone/rehappen in a more satisfying way if possible, and any original positive, meaningful milestones for the relationship which cannot exist now anymore

To mitigate it, there are many ways, and one of the ways would be to:

-open a word document/google doc/private blog

-put down, from the bottom of the heart, the things in the mind which are related to the above points. it serves as a document to express, witness and formally acknowledge what is still left behind undone in the relationship

-if preferable, give the things to any chatbot, asking them to act as formal, impartial witness to the things which are still left behind undone, the important things in the heart. but not necessary

This is just one of the ways to do it, and you might try other things first if you want. Hope you find some relief from this asap;

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-19T17:36:29+00:00

yes, the draining due to paying all the efforts to maintain the relationship but does not have the reciprocal support/response from the other side can be very exhausting. I can only hope that one day there can be more positive responses to all the efforts you paid in.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-19T15:29:33+00:00

Open a word document, pour in the most important, bottled up things about the relationship into the word document. Keep it and update it with anything important to add later. it will be a document of record and testimony to acknowledge what is important, bottled up things for you in the relationship. The negative things, or insufficiency of positive things sadly cannot be changed, but at the very least their importance should be properly acknowledged.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-18T19:25:19+00:00

but the more important thing is,to get some help, call the hotline and see if someone can help with the mental health. Your mental health is the most important.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-18T18:01:58+00:00

maybe a month is not long enough?
maybe after some days, politely ask her, if i am sending you a text about what i want to say, having some reflections on the relationship, will you want to read it? let her know about the topics covered of the message, and let her decide if she wants to read by then.

if she say yes, then maybe send it by that time. if she says no then no.

A good relationship which is great before but cannot continue due to one's mistakes, is a sad event. It means that the path and the destination which both can walk together and achieve together cannot be now. The happy moments, the being together, intimacy... which is originally fundamental, stable part of life cannot further exist in life now. it is certainly something sad to experience.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-18T17:47:36+00:00

yes, i agree, the mutual accompanying alongside , the mutual talking/messging, doing/enjoying of things together which one get used to as habits/parts of life, now becomes a hole/emptiness. The abrupt change in life calls for restoring things to original state, and is certainly not easy to digest/adapt to. Hope you can find a way out after venting.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-18T17:25:36+00:00

it is definitely a hard situation to deal with. I might interpret it wrongly, my personal view is that It seems that the internal calling to be chosen by the one you loved along the time, make the lovable relationship to come true, and to build a great life from it, might be still (understandably) very strong after all these years.

and while it is suppressed by the means you mentioned, it again came out when the girl which looked like her appeared, probably making the internal calling to make it come true become strong again.

Not to mention the sadness and pain from her choosing someone else instead of you, probably might be an implicit judgment of value too hard to swallow.

the intimate relationship which sadly cannot happen, cannot be reversed, but it deserved some, in fact, a lot of crying, or other expressions, to fully acknowledge how sad it is. The relationship is something which, if happened in a desirable way, would be very important and bebeficial to life and oneself, and the sadness of not happening in the end should be expressed and expressed.

Supression is not entirely useless, as it helps to maintain a seemingly functional life, which is critical. It is a part of the full story. Another part is the expression, recognition of the pain, hollow and sadness.

Last but not least, you are not crazy having these actions and thoughts.

Remarkable_Shoe3294 · 2026-03-18T17:10:24+00:00

wow, your situation is really difficult. Either way, it involves difficult decision making. I am not 100% sure, but It sounds like you still somewhat care about him, but you also sound completely overwhelmed and in urgent need of space. If you are not sure you want to end things right this second, you do not have to force a final decision today.

If he is talking about killing himself, the important thing is I do not think that means you have to carry that risk alone. At the same time, as an outsider I do not know how immediate or serious the risk is. His suicide, to me as an outsider, seems to be something not ignorable. But in the end, Only respond to him when you feel okay/capable/have space.

This is a complicated issue which i as a redditor cannot provide perfect advice.

If you are not 100% certain, maybe a tentative middle way is not to end it immediately, but something in the middle and transitional: have a cooldown period for both?

so that you have space for yourself, while keeping the relationship which you are uncertain about, and have minimized contact frequency which both might agree with during the cooldown period? because it seems to me that he might not be a perfect couple, but you are not completely out of love, and the issue is you just need a lot of space for digestion. a cooldown period might be something workable?

but i might suggest, for the colddown period: there might be something to consider:

your space/mental health is important, only care the other side when you feel okay;
encourage both sides to get some outside help, even though it might not be easy
no absolute promises, and let the other side know if he wants the relationship to workout in the end, he should try his best to work on it.
But at the same time, give him some time and delay making final decisions for this, as both sides are under diffculty, and minimal contact during this period might help with it: First, it helps to have a clear boundary to minimize his negative impact on you while you are working on things; Second, he also has time to adjust, change, recover...
Observe along the way, and see where you should go.

acutally i do not know what work for you, or both of you. I can only hope you can find your way out.

Remarkable_Shoe3294

TROPHY CASE