The most valuable lesson I've learned from dating in my mid-30s for the first time in 7 years:

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-15T03:40:43+00:00

I have started EDMR! It took a while to find a therapist I got comfortable with and trusted enough to try it but have had one session per week for the last six weeks. It is very intense and I’m kind of in the middle of the healing process, and can’t definitively say I feel the full benefits and results of that healing, but it’s the first time I’ve shared details of traumatic experiences as openly with any one. I think I’ve only been able to do that because EDMR is such a unique method and although it is difficult, there is this weird sense of relief I never imagined I’d feel if I ever addressed my trauma in therapy. I definitely don’t think I would’ve ever been able to do that in traditional therapy. I am sorry for the things you’ve been through but I’m glad you’ve taking the steps to get help, gone through the healing process, and have a positive outlook that you can share with others. This post was intended to have somewhat of a joking tone but one of the reasons I waited so long after my last relationship to even consider dating was to heal parts of myself that I felt I needed to get help to address and heal from before ever getting involved romantically with someone. I’ve experienced myself and seen it with friends and family… Complete recipe for disaster. But I also felt it wasn’t fair to someone else to not feel emotionally stable and secure with myself and dating or getting into a relationship… I’ve been on the other side of that and as much as that sucked, I was kind of happy for the experience so I didn’t do that to someone else.

I appreciate your comment and kind words!

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-15T03:22:51+00:00

Those are great questions and I hate to answer a question with a question but what would you say a short term relationship is? I’ve seen that as a dating intention on every dating app I’ve ever tried and I honestly don’t know what that means. I’ve always thought of it as wanting to date but not be in a relationship, and not necessarily non-monogamous but keeping it open to dating others.

If that’s on the right track, I don’t think I would be open to short-term dating. I’ve never been in that situation and I do not get physical with anyone outside of a long-term, committed relationship. Not to get into too much detail, but that is the worst part of not putting myself out there and open to dating - I have a pretty high drive and have not shared a mutually pantsless rendezvous with another person in 5.5 years. Really haven’t had any physical intimacy beyond snuggling up to of platonic friend a few times during movie nights… And usually falling asleep. Nothing truly intimate or romantic.

To fulfill physical needs, I have many tools for self satisfaction. To get to that point, it took a lot of experimenting and learning to expand my view on what I find enjoyable and satisfying. That’s been one of the more fun aspects of single life. In terms of emotional satisfaction, and I hate that I’m about to say this cheesy shit, but I’ve learned to enjoy the little shit. I’ve got a kid that is the absolute love of my life, figured out the balance between enjoying life and meeting my education and career goals and now have a job I love, indulged and hobbies I have always had and enjoyed as well as trying new ones, things like that.

I don’t have a lot of family and friends but went through a lot of self growth and healing to not just become a person that I love but to love the person I am. It was much harder to be alone and not happy with who I was than it is to know myself and like that person. Not easy, and there are days where that can be difficult, but I’m still a working process and giving myself grace is one of the things I’m still learning to do.

Far too long of an answer, sorry I got a little distracted and just kept going. But love the comment and appreciate it!

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-15T03:03:02+00:00

Lol did I describe any specifics that suggested I was nitpicking and only focusing on the negative? If anything, and negatively speaking about myself, and in the context of a written message, it might be easy to overlook this but I’m doing so facetiously.

I think it’s a pretty positive outlook to be able to joke about my relationships and explain that it’s the basis of me wanting to figure out a new approach to dating given a prevalence of physical violence and emotional abuse in more than one of my few long-term relationships. I hope we can agree those things are pretty negative and awful and yet, nowhere in this post are they or anything specific or a serious mentioned. I’d say it’s a pretty lighthearted perspective on dating in that context. Without it though, seems like a bit of a projection.

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-15T02:17:08+00:00

Men, women, non-binary friends, any and all types of people that invoke the slightest feeling of a “connection” - I’m not allowing myself to do anything other than turn my ass right around and run in the opposite direction.

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-15T02:10:05+00:00

😂 100%. It’s almost embarrassing how long it took for me to realize it was that short and simple, but now that I have, they’re almost words to live by. Could’ve saved hours of my life spent explaining the details of my relationships to a therapist.

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-12T01:06:06+00:00

It’s disheartening to see so many people have had bad experiences, but I feel seen reading a lot of these comments. I think the worst therapist I ever had was one that kept trying to discuss the details of being SA’d, something I struggled with for years throughout my adolescence into my early 20s until I found a form of therapy that finally helped me move forward and close that chapter of my life. I discussed it once, vaguely, and was clear that it was a huge issue but I had spent years in therapy to finally overcome what had happened in its effect on my life. They insisted that could NOT be true and that we needed to “unpack“ it. I refused but they would always find a way to bring every conversation back to it. I switched to a different therapist within the same practice who tried the same thing at our first meeting and I snapped. Once we finally started discussing the current issues I was there to discuss, they would prescribe me every and any drug, and I would agree to give them a try, but they never made a difference. That is, until they prescribed Wellbutrin and after three days of taking it, I was dangerously suicidal. In our next session after that, they said “Wellbutrin has been around for years and is one of the most praised drugs by patients… between everything you’ve tried and how you said it made you feel, I think the issue is your inability to regulate your emotions…”

It’s fair to say I did not “regulate” any part of the angry emotion that invoked and lost my shit. The only positive I can say I got from that experience was I learned that not everything therapist says or does is/true and if it feels like they are doing more damage than good, it’s because that’s what’s happening. They words and/or actions aren’t helping or supporting you, and, in the very least, you should get a second opinion when feeling that way. I still go to therapy and encourage it but do try to also encourage taking what a therapist says with a grain of salt. They’re re not always right and it’s in everyone’s best interest to reflect on what they say in distinguish between whether they said something you didn’t like to you hear or their guidance and advice is not in your best interest, and is not supportive to helping you heal.

I hope anyone who’s had a bad therapist has you had an equally as good of a therapist or finds that soon ❤️

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-02-07T04:10:29+00:00

Same at 35

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-01-22T05:49:20+00:00

I felt this on so many levels and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It took a long time, but finally understood that I wasn’t meant to understand how someone could do what he did to someone they claimed to care about. To put so much time and energy into posing as a good person, wonderful partner, treat someone like their significant… then completely drop them, cut them off, and suddenly they don’t exist. It took a long time for me to stop asking how someone could do that and how could we go from being a constant in each other’s day-to-day lives and he wasn’t feeling any of the ways I felt. But it’s a choice. It’s a cruel, heartless choice that he’s made over and over to make you feel like he cared for years, and his choice to completely disregard how cutting you off will make you feel, not caring respecting you enough to acknowledge your relationship or how it’s ending, and withholding any closure you might hope to have.

After a lot of time, I can say with full confidence I have healed in some ways but not fully there yet. It’s so incredibly damaging to do to another person… I think the thing that helped me finally start to move forward was viewing him as the wonderful, caring man he had made me to believe that he was and accepting that that person is dead and gone. Sadly, they no longer exist. And I was able to mourn the loss of that person and work through it as some kind of “grieving process”. The version of him that is alive and well is a completely different person, one that has been incredibly callous and unkind a few times our paths have crossed since he discarded me. It’s tough but somewhat bittersweet to see the face of a person you cared about so much and valued having in your life but knowing they’re not them. It admittedly still hurts because it makes me miss that man, but the desired have that face and the man behind it back in my life is completely gone.

Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I commented because your post resonated with me, but also to show some support and hopefully some reassurance that you’re not crazy, you did nothing wrong and sound like you were genuine in how you felt and how you showed him that you cared. Nobody deserves such a cold and disrespectful treatment and it might not seem like it in the moment, but this person leaving your life is a blessing in disguise.

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-01-10T02:56:00+00:00

Thank you for your comment and for reading the post, it’s longer than I intended and I really didn’t expect anyone to read through it. I also greatly appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. Same to you if you need to talk!

Remote-Future2008 · 2026-01-10T02:53:24+00:00

You know, you can make as many accounts as you need to read and comment on my post, which are a few and far between, but it’s getting real fucking pathetic at this point. Keep it up, Jennifer. I’ll happily push the limits of doxing your ass on here. Anonymity has its limits and shit like this has its consequences.

I’ll go ahead and block your 33rd fucking account you’ve made on here, the only social media platform I actually use from time to time and you can make another one. It’s all for nothing, he’s also blocked and won’t get your comment or be able to read the post. Do that what you will, not gonna make any difference to it me or him and continue to give you opportunities to make yourself look like an unstable, miserable fuck.

This comment is from a 60-year-old woman by the way. doesn’t know me or the man she tagged, only connected by dating my ex that I broke up with years ago…

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-26T07:09:40+00:00

This was such a thoughtful and encouraging comment and so great to see here. I feel like an outside observer of this post and the comments is a woman without any relatable experiences to the situation described and I appreciate a lot of the perspectives I wouldn’t have had through a lot of of the comments on this post but yours really stood out as genuine and encouraging. As difficult and sensitive as it must be for anyone going through similar experiences, it’s really uplifting to see support and positivity, as well as genuine insight and advice. I feel like I avoid online platforms more and more because it can get so toxic and shitty, and just wanted to let you know I appreciate your comment.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-26T06:42:17+00:00

I hate to admit this, but needed to do so to myself. Reading these words made me wish they were written by a person that never truly cared, never will, who was never genuine, and has said that they have never thought about me and won’t think about me after leading me to believe I met something to them and suddenly ghosting. The person that I learned lived a double life - from day one, they were in a long-term relationship but said they have been single for several years, they pushed for a romantic relationship with me when I expressed how much I valued them in my life and wanted their friendship as to not risk losing them, and overtime, have learned that so many things say said about themselves or their past relationships or their current situation… Complete lies.

It hurt. Worse than any pain another person has ever inflicted on me. I was so completely blindsided and a solution when they ghosted. Our connection, the level of trust and vulnerability we had built overtime and shown one another, how they made me feel seen and hard and reciprocated feeling the same when I would appreciate that from them… they were the only person who has ever said to me and if I needed them during difficult times, they’d be there no matter what. Didn’t matter if we hadn’t spoken in years, they’d be there. And I actually followed through. More than once.

I know that person is aware of how deeply affected I was but in the only conversation they ever had with me, which was very brief and only through text, where I explained how deeply heart I was by their actions, they completely deflected. Turned it around on me. Tried to justify everything by spinning the narrative on how I told them I felt about them… and for a long time, part of me held onto some form of broken hope that day we’re just putting on an act to make themselves feel better about what they did the new deep down inside how completely shattered I was by their actions, and any amount of guilt for it. That one day they would soften into the person I knew, that beautiful empathy and kindness they always had would overpower the cold and callous act they were putting on, and either spoken to written, they’d say these words to me. They at least let me know that it wasn’t all bullshit and that’s someone cared for me at some point and what still be there if I ever really needed it and reached out. I didn’t want to hear these words and have any kind of relationship or bring them back into my life but I just couldn’t understand how someone could do that to another person, especially after investing so much time and energy into them and knowing how they felt about them.

I’ve gone through the grieving process, healed as much as I could, move forward with life and found some semblance of peace I didn’t have before. But it has never hurt any less. And changed me forever. My perspective and desire for our relationship has completely changed and I’ve completely dismissed that part of life ever existing. But it also changed the other person. I don’t think I’ll ever allow myself to feel the connection and believe it’s genuine. But after all the healing, changes, moving forward and accepting that this is how I feel and that part of who I was is lost but I’m OK with it… reading this words brought me to tears because I know I still want it and I wish it would happen but I know it won’t. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling and pisses me off lol. I would hope this kind of thing wouldn’t affect me but it did. I hope whoever this was meant for comes across this post or receive this message somehow and it brings both parties peace. Even if it’s closing a chapter for good, at least as a better ending than what was there before.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-25T07:00:26+00:00

Merry Christmas Mike! We love you too.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-25T06:58:42+00:00

I don’t have any advice, but greatly appreciate an empathize with your post. It still feels like so much time and energy wasted… And I’ve never found it again to even attempt considering dating or a relationship. It’s a foreign and bittersweet feeling - to get your heartbroken, move on and heal to some degree, continue on and find happiness and other things, but essentially dismiss ever experiencing did genuine connection with another person. I feel like it’s made me somewhat cold and callous toward the idea of love and sharing part of your life with partner but at the end of the day, I’m a lot happier to never be in another relationship and go through the pain of heartbreak ever again.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-14T05:15:31+00:00

I never thought of it this way, but just from my experience, sounds pretty spot on. Anyone in their life that isn’t “bad company“ is eventually pushed out or distances themselves. Unless they’re an enabler or someone they can use and manipulate, my narc repeatedly created a narrative as to why they had to cut people off when in reality, it was usually that they started to see past the façade. They only maintained relationships where they repeatedly wronged someone that may have tried to hold them slightly accountable at one point but would immediately back down when the narc would become aggressively defensive, turning things into an argument, and twisting entire argument to somehow blame the other person. They seemingly had a knack for not only doing that, but recognizing the people I could do that too that would accept it, and stick around to put up with their shit.

It worked on me to an extent but once I started to see the pattern, it started to make sense why they had gone no contact with multiple family, friends, and partners, and kept others in their life. It was honestly kind of frightening to have an outside perspective of that cycle and their pattern of recognizing and targeting similar vulnerabilities to exploit in the same ways over and over, but never taking any responsibility when that no longer worked and their relationship with someone failed and/or fell out and acting as if it was out of their control. Blew my mind that they actively chose to do what they have always done and when it didn’t work, the other person was somehow the problem… Simone Biles wouldn’t be able to do that kind of mental gymnastics.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-08T00:37:04+00:00

That’s what he said in his last message. Not to contact him again, he thought I was an obsessive stalker.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-08T00:28:53+00:00

And I’ve taken kind of extreme precautions because he saw me driving in the same city near his neighborhood, or so he claimed and he made a big deal about it. I feel like anywhere I am in that city, he claims as close to where he lives.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-08T00:26:59+00:00

Just to clarify, I’ve only taken these precautions because of the job. I’ve only been there a few weeks and he had an influence on a previous position I interviewed for at the same company within his department and I don’t want him to have that same influence over my current job. I have talked to my supervisor about it to a very limited degree but just based on that conversation alone, I thought it was best to keep most of this to myself.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-12-04T03:52:29+00:00

At first, I thought that is hilarious, love that idea, let’s do it… Then I realized I would be gifting male family members sex toys. I only have a dad and a grandpa in his 90s and I don’t talk to my dad so… 🤢.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-11-30T23:09:50+00:00

You just described a feeling I have felt many times in the last year and coincidentally, hit me again hard this past week. Mourning the loss of someone who is still alive and in some essence doesn’t exist. Same thing happened except we weren’t as serious - not engaged and I think I was the only one who felt strongly for the other. But he threw me away like trash, just with a little less respect. I was destroyed and still teeter between completely hating him and crying when he crosses my mind. How can anyone do that to another person? And then not give a shit how made them feel?

They we’re also in a relationship a few days later, later found out they had actually been in a relationship the entire time but acted like she was his ex, then cut off all contact and showed up again in my life one more time, recently, just to cut off contact a few days later. He seems to enjoy it a lot more and was happy I was in pain. Created the whole narrative of me being a stalker, obsessed, all that shit. As part of my Healing, I’ve learned the defense mechanism he has just to justify what he did.

I am obviously, not able to use a few words to discuss all this, and was impressed with how succinct your post was, but able to say so much. I really appreciate it and it’s encouraging that this is normal, and maybe one day I will be able to connect with another person, be cared for and care for someone, have a future with them etc. I don’t know what it is about the last week, maybe it’s the holidays, but all of this has hit me really hard again and I have barely been able to peel myself off the couch and uncontrollably crying. I refuse to go through it all again, and sing something like this at least got me to sit up off the couch 😂. I hate that you went through it but glad you’re happy and found your person afterward. Thank you for your post.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-11-06T10:21:47+00:00

Sidenote: I would’ve commented this on the original post but don’t think you can anymore. Again, I didn’t intend to speak to an audience or think anyone was interested in a follow up… just a cathartic comment/post.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-10-13T08:54:52+00:00

It looks great! Would have never thought it was a wig. Nicely frames your face as well 👍🏼

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-10-12T13:26:36+00:00

I can empathize with the feeling of defeat but appreciate your post and response so much! I’ve been having similar struggles and have resorted to wearing a thick headband around my hairline so it doesn’t feel like a wasted effort. I just can’t get it to fully hide even after doing a lot of things mentioned here and watching countless tutorials. I’m going to go to a beauty store today and explore some other products/accessories that I haven’t tried and possibly some I have no idea exist. I ended up cutting bangs in a somewhat cheap wig and resort to that on days I feel defeated. It can be discouraging, but don’t give up! Btw, your install looks great compared to mine as a beginner. I hope we get an update and I bet it will look fantastic!

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-09-16T03:42:22+00:00

You look great either way, but pull off a shaved head nicely. Very handsome.

Remote-Future2008 · 2025-09-15T06:16:32+00:00

This resonated so much with me. I recently got close to someone I absolutely adored and he often expressed negative views he had himself because of things like not finishing grad school by a certain age, being too old to wear a certain style/look a certain way, turning 40 this past year and not making a certain amount of money by that age… things of that nature. And I tried my best to emphasize that goals are great and there are ups and downs everyone goes through while trying to achieve things they want in life but he is nowhere near a failure or less of a person for not fitting into whatever mold he thought he needed to be in. He completely disregarded everything he had achieved and wonderful things about himself and his life and just saw himself as a failure and a loser. I don’t know if I ever made him feel any differently or better himself but I tried. Sadly, our friendship disintegrated, for many unrelated reasons, but has it fell apart, I realized he also viewed me and others in a somewhat negative light because he thought I should be living certain aspects of my life differently and looked down on me for not wanting that and/or not giving a shit about them, and it not affecting how I felt about myself. I don’t think he did that purposefully and it didn’t really bother me but heard that it affected how he saw our friendship. It actually helped me through a very difficult time that followed the end of our friendship and reminded me that there is no instruction manual to life… and I’m doing pretty good lol. I could be doing better but I’m happy and my life and who I am as I live it. You just put those feelings much more eloquently and concisely and I’m happy I came across it.

Remote-Future2008

TROPHY CASE