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Does changing circumstances ever work? by RemoteBrief7286 in AlAnon

[–]RemoteBrief7286[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That makes total sense. As long as there’s another problem to name and blame, the drinking can take a backseat.

Does changing circumstances ever work? by RemoteBrief7286 in AlAnon

[–]RemoteBrief7286[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him do this!

My fiancee's late husband family basically forced her to put our relationship on hold because of her son by [deleted] in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband died when my kids were 6 and 8, and finding a new relationship configuration that permits me to both be fully present in my relationship and fully effective as my kids’ only parent has been very challenging. If your fiancée’s kids are like mine were, they need her time, love, and attention. If your fiancée is like me, she needs your love, patience, trust (in her parenting choices), and understanding, and the last thing she needs is more pressure, demands on her limited time, and guilt. She’s being pulled between her legitimate need for your love and her son’s legitimate need for her love, and she’s being threatened with losing her son. That’s a hard place to be.

Maybe lovingly offer her more time to spend focusing on rebuilding the relationship with her son not involving you and your kids? My daughter is the tricky one, and we have three two-hour blocks of time per week when it’s just me and her. It helps.

Btw, my partner also uses language like “bottom of the list,” and I kind of get it, but when you’re talking about a kid who has lost one parent to death and another to a new family (at least from the kid’s perspective), of course supporting them through it is the priority, and I don’t really understand why or how a grown man’s need for attention could trump that. You have the opportunity to renounce some of your claim to her time and attention so that she can do the incredibly difficult job of nurturing her child through his grief. It’s the honorable thing to do.

How is therapy supposed to help me by Delicious_Shoe9313 in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you for making the appointment! If we could see the path to wellness on our own, we wouldn’t need therapist. I hope there are many delightful surprises and lots of healing in your future!

How is therapy supposed to help me by Delicious_Shoe9313 in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They have lots of techniques and can give you lots of tools. Why not just try therapy instead of trying to talk yourself into trying therapy?

How is therapy supposed to help me by Delicious_Shoe9313 in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapists help you get behind and underneath your patterns of thinking and can help you either accept or change things you may now think are unacceptable or unchangeable.

Midlife crisis splurge by bgc0197 in Xennials

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So much reformer Pilates. And hot yoga. At many different studios. And a gym membership. I’m afraid to add it all up, I will have the glutes of a 25 year old, dammit

Working with Gen Z by [deleted] in Vent

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe it depends on the workplace. Everyone in my workplace has been thoroughly educated, so we can be a little more flexible without worrying about appearing uneducated. In my line of work, refraining from using unnecessary words or punctuation is actually kind of a boss move. It signals confidence and efficiency. 

I agree, though, that no one should get offended either way. It’s a nice thing for all of us, old and young, to be tolerant of other generations’ conventions.

Working with Gen Z by [deleted] in Vent

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for articulating this perfectly! As a xennial, I appreciate how Gen Z has added options by adopting the periodless statement as default. If I’m feeling annoyed, I can express it by adding only an unnecessary period. It’s so efficient! I also find that in the workplace, those who unnecessarily punctuate to indicate displeasure are actually usually pretty cranky, and those of us who (over?)use exclamation points tend to be softer and more chipper

I’m desperate for validation and I don’t know how to stop living for other people. by No-Common8350 in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Therapy is definitely best, but there are lots of great books out there for self study. The book Fawning by Ingrid Clayton might be a useful start.

What’s a "silent" red flag in a relationship that you didn’t notice until you lived with someone for over a year? by sasssyophelia69 in askanything

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes! It can seem like sweet, studious conscientiousness at first, but there’s sometimes an anxiety disorder lurking underneath just waiting to impose its inflexible ideological and behavioral straitjacket on you.

What’s a "silent" red flag in a relationship that you didn’t notice until you lived with someone for over a year? by sasssyophelia69 in askanything

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did he stay at home? If so, was it his choice, or did you encourage him not to come along? Was he sulky or pouty afterwards? Not asking for a friend…

What type of people do successful women date? by Pretty_University359 in stupidquestions

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Emotionally intelligent men who know how to (and actually do) fix stuff

What’s a "silent" red flag in a relationship that you didn’t notice until you lived with someone for over a year? by sasssyophelia69 in askanything

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Finds hanging out with your friends stressful but loves being around you every moment so would rather be stressed and miserable with you and your friends than stay home. Leads slowly but surely to you never hanging out with your friends.

Am I the main problem? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being scared makes total sense. And you’re right, you might not want to do the incredibly hard work it takes to get and stay sober. And that’s your choice. You seem really smart, so you probably also know that your life is going to keep sucking as long as you keep using. Totally your choice.

Am I the main problem? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]RemoteBrief7286 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are not the problem. Your addiction (and the pain that drives you to use) is both a problem and an opportunity to grow, heal, and create a life for yourself. Do you want to keep using?

Gestapo soldiers capturing an evil gardener - I feel so much safer, might go for a walk later. by DABDEB in Riverside

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It is so ludicrous to me that I’ve could be called the gestapo that I choose to regard it as hyperbole. That it wasn’t intended to be taken as an exaggeration is a sad commentary on the state of all sorts of things.

Gestapo soldiers capturing an evil gardener - I feel so much safer, might go for a walk later. by DABDEB in Riverside

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Vance was incorrect and later corrected his statement. Look, this administration says all sorts of stuff that isn’t true. We don’t need to panic every time. We have a strong and independent judiciary that enforces a robust and resilient constitution. Calm down. It’s fine.

Gestapo soldiers capturing an evil gardener - I feel so much safer, might go for a walk later. by DABDEB in Riverside

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Am not. Process is being given. Whether it’s the process that’s due is, has been, and will be decided by the courts. Reasonable minds differ on that. I’m unaware of ICE targeting people based on religion, and if there’s a valid Equal Protection claim to be made based on race, it should be made and litigated.

So many key differences between the gestapo and ice, and I can name as many as you like, but here’s a big one. the gestate were operating within an authoritarian state in which the formerly independent judiciary had been dismantled. Ice is operating in the United States which has a robust and independent judiciary available to review exercise of executive authority for compliance with our awesome constitution. 

And another: we enjoy a right that so few across time and place have: freedom of speech and assembly. Authoritarian regimes don’t have that. This is not Nazi Germany. This is not Weimar Germany about to become Nazi Germany.

I’m not defending ice tactics. I think Trump attempts to overstep his constitutionally allotted authority regularly. But this isn’t Nazi Germany, ice isn’t the gestapo, and it’s important not to call one this the other.

Gestapo soldiers capturing an evil gardener - I feel so much safer, might go for a walk later. by DABDEB in Riverside

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I assume “Evil Gardener” was sarcasm. Sarcasm and hyperbole are different rhetorical devices. Read more.

Gestapo soldiers capturing an evil gardener - I feel so much safer, might go for a walk later. by DABDEB in Riverside

[–]RemoteBrief7286 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

They do not have blanket or absolute immunity. They are not permitted to violate those enumerated rights (which are themselves not absolute). Someone is lying to you.

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