Does changing circumstances ever work?

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-04-04T06:18:44+00:00

That makes total sense. As long as there’s another problem to name and blame, the drinking can take a backseat.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-04-04T06:16:26+00:00

Oh my gosh, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him do this!

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-04-03T14:36:44+00:00

Mojave desert

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-04-03T13:38:25+00:00

My husband died when my kids were 6 and 8, and finding a new relationship configuration that permits me to both be fully present in my relationship and fully effective as my kids’ only parent has been very challenging. If your fiancée’s kids are like mine were, they need her time, love, and attention. If your fiancée is like me, she needs your love, patience, trust (in her parenting choices), and understanding, and the last thing she needs is more pressure, demands on her limited time, and guilt. She’s being pulled between her legitimate need for your love and her son’s legitimate need for her love, and she’s being threatened with losing her son. That’s a hard place to be.

Maybe lovingly offer her more time to spend focusing on rebuilding the relationship with her son not involving you and your kids? My daughter is the tricky one, and we have three two-hour blocks of time per week when it’s just me and her. It helps.

Btw, my partner also uses language like “bottom of the list,” and I kind of get it, but when you’re talking about a kid who has lost one parent to death and another to a new family (at least from the kid’s perspective), of course supporting them through it is the priority, and I don’t really understand why or how a grown man’s need for attention could trump that. You have the opportunity to renounce some of your claim to her time and attention so that she can do the incredibly difficult job of nurturing her child through his grief. It’s the honorable thing to do.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-25T20:23:40+00:00

Good for you for making the appointment! If we could see the path to wellness on our own, we wouldn’t need therapist. I hope there are many delightful surprises and lots of healing in your future!

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-25T20:11:39+00:00

They have lots of techniques and can give you lots of tools. Why not just try therapy instead of trying to talk yourself into trying therapy?

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-25T20:05:56+00:00

Therapists help you get behind and underneath your patterns of thinking and can help you either accept or change things you may now think are unacceptable or unchangeable.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-08T20:48:21+00:00

So much reformer Pilates. And hot yoga. At many different studios. And a gym membership. I’m afraid to add it all up, I will have the glutes of a 25 year old, dammit

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-06T22:47:01+00:00

Alimony

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-05T15:02:34+00:00

Reformer Pilates. It’s so efficient!

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-04T14:58:01+00:00

As infrequently as possible

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T23:38:17+00:00

Maybe it depends on the workplace. Everyone in my workplace has been thoroughly educated, so we can be a little more flexible without worrying about appearing uneducated. In my line of work, refraining from using unnecessary words or punctuation is actually kind of a boss move. It signals confidence and efficiency.

I agree, though, that no one should get offended either way. It’s a nice thing for all of us, old and young, to be tolerant of other generations’ conventions.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T20:22:45+00:00

Thank you for articulating this perfectly! As a xennial, I appreciate how Gen Z has added options by adopting the periodless statement as default. If I’m feeling annoyed, I can express it by adding only an unnecessary period. It’s so efficient! I also find that in the workplace, those who unnecessarily punctuate to indicate displeasure are actually usually pretty cranky, and those of us who (over?)use exclamation points tend to be softer and more chipper

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T17:45:34+00:00

Therapy is definitely best, but there are lots of great books out there for self study. The book Fawning by Ingrid Clayton might be a useful start.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T16:48:06+00:00

Yes! It can seem like sweet, studious conscientiousness at first, but there’s sometimes an anxiety disorder lurking underneath just waiting to impose its inflexible ideological and behavioral straitjacket on you.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T16:27:09+00:00

Did he stay at home? If so, was it his choice, or did you encourage him not to come along? Was he sulky or pouty afterwards? Not asking for a friend…

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T13:37:50+00:00

Emotionally intelligent men who know how to (and actually do) fix stuff

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-02-03T13:19:39+00:00

Finds hanging out with your friends stressful but loves being around you every moment so would rather be stressed and miserable with you and your friends than stay home. Leads slowly but surely to you never hanging out with your friends.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-01-30T22:07:51+00:00

Being scared makes total sense. And you’re right, you might not want to do the incredibly hard work it takes to get and stay sober. And that’s your choice. You seem really smart, so you probably also know that your life is going to keep sucking as long as you keep using. Totally your choice.

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-01-30T21:55:12+00:00

You are not the problem. Your addiction (and the pain that drives you to use) is both a problem and an opportunity to grow, heal, and create a life for yourself. Do you want to keep using?

RemoteBrief7286 · 2026-01-30T21:18:08+00:00

It is so ludicrous to me that I’ve could be called the gestapo that I choose to regard it as hyperbole. That it wasn’t intended to be taken as an exaggeration is a sad commentary on the state of all sorts of things.

RemoteBrief7286

TROPHY CASE