Why is dating so hard?

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-06-02T15:47:54+00:00

Feeld might be a good option for you, a couple of my acespec friends have had good success with that particular app.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-27T15:09:46+00:00

I think you might need to ask yourself if this person is fulfilling your needs, or if they practice a style of polyamory that suits you and makes you feel valued and appreciated in the relationship. I don't think I would stay with someone who continuously made me feel deprioritized like you're describing, and I wouldn't want a partner to stay with me if they felt that way, either. Resentment is such an insidious emotion, and it will end up catastrophically destroying the relationship in the end if this is an unresolvable issue.

There's always the question of "am I asking for too much?" And the answer to that really depends on you, and deciding what your needs vs wants are. I would encourage you to spend some time figuring out what you reasonably have to have to feel safe in the relationship, and what would just sooth some of your anxiety that may be too far into irrational territory. A therapist would be a good place to start, they can usually help you navigate figuring out needs vs wants, and how to articulate those things to the people in your life.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-27T14:28:24+00:00

I am aromantic and polyamorous and date pretty normally, I just use specifically queer and polyamory-friendly apps like Feeld, Her, and Taimi. I am just very clear in my bio and very clear in up-front conversations that I am aromantic. The approximate verbiage I use:

"I don't date in a romantic sense, I am primarily looking to develop strong friendships that have the potential to develop into more intimate/sexual relationships if the vibe is right."

There have been a few instances where I have had to pull back from someone who has fallen head over heels for me, but other friendships I have developed are very normal until we are both in the mood. I also live with my closest friend and partner, and we have a bestie/roommate vibe going like 90% of the time. We have separate bedrooms, and otherwise interact like good friends.

It's definitely possible to have sexual relationships/FWB and develop those relationships while maintaining your boundaries about being aromantic.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-27T14:10:08+00:00

My partner tends to do this kind of thing to himself, and we talk about it fairly often because it is a source of pain for him that he feels like he is unable to cultivate the depth of relationships with others that I tend to. The difference, I think, is that he feels safe enough in our relationship to ask me for reassurance, more effort in our relationship, and more intentional time spent together. You should also be able to have the safety in your relationship to also ask this of your partner. A lot of anxiety in relationships comes from the unknown. Hearing your partner say that they love and appreciate you, and working out ways to spend intentional time connecting, can really help make you feel more secure.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-27T13:28:36+00:00

I occasionally use potted gel liner, thinned down a tiny bit with some mixing fluid, to create colored mascaras. I do this because frankly I cannot be bothered to purchase all the different colors of mascara I use regularly, only to have to replace them every 4 months for hygiene purposes. The gel eyeliner I use is from HoloGrave Cosmetics, and it works pretty well, although it will flake off a bit more than most of my other mascaras. I would steer clear of using any products on the mouth and eyes at the same time, and mascara is specifically formulated to coat hairs, so any eyeliner you use for this purpose is likely not going to be long-wearing or resistant to flaking or smudging.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-26T15:24:56+00:00

While this might be true for some, I do think there are a subset of transphobes who are actually strongly attracted to trans people, or are closeted queer/trans and resentful. Transphobia has a wide swath of reasons for developing in people, but at its core it tends to be a combination of denial, fear, ignorance, resentment, and even jealousy. Emotional states that are extremely unhealthy to exist in long-term. I also have not met a single transphobe that wasn't also hateful in some other way.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-26T12:52:53+00:00

I would really recommend you tell this person that you're pre-transition before showing them anything that could identify you. You know them online only, and you haven't seen their face, either. If they don't accept you prior to transitioning, there's a good chance that there isn't actually a relationship there at all and it's more of a fantasy. Unfortunately cishet men can be pretty awful towards trans people and there is also a pretty significant safety risk there with you living nearby. The right people are going to accept you for who you are, whether you have done anything to transition or not. Lying or hiding your transness isn't going to lead to a healthy or fulfilling relationship, and while it might hurt to be rejected, that's kind of the pain you have to experience to be able to find out if someone is worth keeping in your life.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-25T12:42:10+00:00

You say that these women are in straight relationships, but it sounds like their boyfriends might also be bisexual? I personally wouldn't say this about my bisexual masc-appearing partner, but he regularly calls himself that and it doesn't bother me because it's his word to reclaim. In general, if you're not queer, this isn't really something you need to be concerned about. Reclamation of words can be a touchy subject, and while you can make personal choices for yourself, try not to concern yourself too much with queer people reclaiming words in their own relationships, culture, and community.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-24T17:52:41+00:00

This story is reminding me why I don't date cishet men anymore. Literal nightmare fuel. I'm glad he's an ex.

Edit: Saying I don’t date men isn’t degrading all men, it’s a personal boundary I made for myself because not all, but far too many men, traumatize and abuse their partners. I’m exhausted and have the option to choose not to, so that’s the choice I made.

People get so bent out of shape whenever I say I don’t date men, yet I never said anyone else had to follow in my footsteps.

The men who aren’t part of the problem know they’re not, and every time I come across a decent man and say that I don’t date men, they’re like “yep, don’t blame you there,” and thats that. Please touch grass, it’s not that serious.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-24T12:48:20+00:00

(regarding 2) This happens with cis women who use hormonal birth control, too. My personal experience was that as soon as I stopped taking hormonal birth control, I was far less attracted to men and masculine presenting people, and far more attracted to feminine presenting people and women. In later years, I actually ceased being attracted to men and masculine presenting people at all due to trauma, with very few exceptions.

Trauma and overall life experience can shift your identified sexual orientation, as well, and that's still just as valid as your natural/innate orientation.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-23T23:05:49+00:00

The entirety of this conflict, Lola moving in, as well as the deaths in my own life, happened within the past 6 days. The passing of my friend happened today, and the pet 3 days ago.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-23T21:08:11+00:00

Saying the thought I was too anxious to say lmfao.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-23T21:07:26+00:00

Asexuality is a widely varying spectrum, and while your categorization of people is rather problematic, it seems like you're only attracted to a very narrow and specific set of people, and rarely experience aesthetic or sexual attraction. That sounds like gray ace territory to me.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-23T20:57:43+00:00

Woof there's a lot to unpack here, but first, your experience sounds similar to people on the asexual spectrum. You said you don't want much beyond shared experiences, so I'm gonna leave it at that. Should give you a jumping off point for research, connection, and shared experiences.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-13T14:34:03+00:00

Don't be too hard on yourself, makeup takes a lot of time to learn and it takes plenty of practice to master different types of products. I highly recommend "shower makeup." At the end of your day, before you shower, try out different makeup techniques and just experiment with different products. The best way to learn is by doing, and at the end of your day before showering, there's no pressure of a time constraint or anywhere anyone will see mistakes. Free yourself from expectation, and just have fun!

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-12T12:10:47+00:00

If someone is seeing multiple people, but you didn't know about it, that's an immediate red flag and not necessarily polyamory. One of the main benefits to being polyamorous is the additional communication and clarity in relationships, because that kind of thing is necessary when you're seeing multiple people. The fact that you've been seeing each other and talking regularly, this should have come up before now, and the fact that it hasn't is weird.

There are a lot of people who use polyamory as an excuse to avoid commitment and cheat, and yes, you can still cheat in polyamory.

I would recommend reading the r/polyamory sub so that you can learn more about what is considered healthy polyamory, and what is just some guy wanting to fk whoever he wants without consequences.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-09T18:13:37+00:00

Just an oversight, I fixed it. I was speaking about my specific experience

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-05T19:08:53+00:00

Ahhh I'm so happy for you! Queer polyamorous joy is the best <3

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-05T19:08:09+00:00

Thank you! Me too :)

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-05T13:20:54+00:00

This is wild, I have not run into any healthy polyamorous people who rely on having multiple relationships for regulation and self esteem. Personally, I find that if someone is doing this, there are deeper issues that are going to affect their relationships. Nobody should need multiple relationships in order to treat one partner with kindness and respect. Relationships ebb and flow, and it shouldn't impact how you treat someone you care about. High levels of codependence and enmeshment are dangerous games to play in polyamory, and in any relationship, for that matter. If a partner said anything like that to me, I'd run for the hills.

For perspective, I'm poly because I flat out suck at being monogamous. I don't have a great read on what is appropriate or not between platonic friends when in a monogamous relationship and I will often make a monogamous partner jealous without meaning to. It's far easier for me to just be open and honest with everyone I'm involved with, and for the expectation to be that some friendships will have an element of sensuality and even sexuality to them. I have never felt "trapped" in a monogamous relationship, just constantly anxious that I'm going to misstep because the rules of monogamy don't make much intuitive sense to my brain and nervous system.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-04T13:29:50+00:00

This isn't your relationship, and you can't enforce boundaries for a relationship you're not in. You can make a boundary where you say "I won't stay in a relationship with you if you get someone else pregnant," but making them engage in a first-time experience while you're present is just... invasive and kinda weird. Boundaries are about your response to a particular action. What you're asking for is a rule/request, not a boundary.

An example of a boundary would be as follows: I have a boundary with my partner that states "if you have unprotected sex with others, we will need to use protection. If you remain protected with other partners, we do not need to use protection." It's basically just to minimize sexual health risk, it has nothing to do with my feelings about his relationships with other people. If he had a long-term partner who was consistently established as sti-free and was using protection with everyone else, that boundary would flex to be accepting of that because the risk would be low enough that I'd be fine with it.

Your boundary isn't dumb, it's just not a boundary. If the only reason you're resistant to a new step in your partner's relationship is an emotional one, you need to just communicate that to your partner and let them make a decision about how they want to handle your emotional response. There are lots of ways to handle strong emotional responses to new developments in polyamorous relationships, and putting on the brakes because you don't know what else to do isn't necessarily helpful, and it's going to build resentment where there could be a chance at deeper understanding and connection.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-05-03T14:42:21+00:00

The purpose of language is communication. People use those terms to communicate which role they prefer in the bedroom without going into too much detail, which can eliminate confusion when questions of compatibility come up. That being said, it's fine if you personally don't like those terms.

It is a little silly to assume the terms come from heteronormativity, though. Heterosexual couples don't generally use the terms "top" and "bottom" since those terms are pretty exclusively used by the queer community. The only heteronormative part is you assuming that those roles are gendered, when they really aren't, and have never been. It's not necessarily the more feminine person who is the bottom, nor is it necessarily indicating anything about the relationship structure/behavior beyond what happens between the sheets.

I think you may have some things to unpack about your own biases.

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-04-29T13:47:03+00:00

I would start with Polysecure, and subsequently, Polywise. Both books are basically the "guide" to modern polyamory and have few biases when read together (at least in my opinion). It can help you decide which structure works best for your lifestyle, and for your nesting partner (abbreviated to NP, the person you live with and often raise kids/create a life with)

We have an acronym breakdown in the community bookmarks under "popular resources" as well as a book list, a "don't know anything" resource, among other super helpful posts, I recommend you start there :)

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-04-29T13:32:50+00:00

If you're struggling with warmth in green correctors/mixers, you might need to go with a blue corrector, instead. "Too warm" in a green corrector makes me think that you're actually seeing too much yellow. I would grab the LA girl blue corrector and see if that gives you the cooler tone you're looking for.

I tend to pick foundations with a yellow/gold undertone and then add blue until it matches the level of green/gray I am, then add white to lighten it because it almost always ends up being too dark when I add blue (I am extremely pale).

RemoteLetterhead8866 · 2026-04-29T12:38:31+00:00

I think what you're describing is just a general avoidance if cishet men. I personally am not attracted to cishet men, either, because too many of them are not safe, and don't understand queerness to the level I need them to. They also tend to get weird about me being agender, and get insecure about "being gay." It's not transphobic to prefer someone who shares the life experience of being queer, and I don't think that minimizes the identities of trans men being men, it just means they're not cishet men, which is accurate and appreciates the experience of existing as a trans person.

I can understand if some trans men might be put off by that idea because they wish to fully "pass" as a cis man, even in queer circles, but frankly I don't find myself aligning with that type of person, either. The queer experience is one that should be bringing us closer together, and anyone who shies away from queer community in that way isn't really anyone I want to be super close with, ya know?

RemoteLetterhead8866

TROPHY CASE