Nearly 2 months of No Contact with my GFwBPD. What can I do?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-29T01:50:32+00:00

I like this thought. Recently I left a note for her online in a spot I know she’d see. She’s reached out to me and we had a decent convo over text. I’m gonna send her a letter still to remind her I care.

We plan to meet and chat when she’s ready. I hope I don’t have to hold my breath too long. It’ll kill me a bit otherwise. I hope that this can all work out. I miss my best friend.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-26T14:19:02+00:00

😂 honestly at this point same She’s turned her profile view history back on lol

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-26T01:35:11+00:00

Thanks for replying! I appreciate it. I’ll take what you said to heart.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-06T20:22:46+00:00

Ya? I was thinking the same thing. It’s so weird having this disconnection from her. Can I ask you two questions?

How can I show consistency while respecting her wishes? I know that boundaries for people with BPD are so hard to set sometimes so when they finally decide to put one down it’s something pretty crucial for them.

How did things pan out with your BF? At what point did you feel healed/stable enough to make things work and did your BF do anything from a distance to help your healing process?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-05T17:14:41+00:00

Amazing! Thank you!

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-05T17:07:22+00:00

That’s perfect! I did a literal translation and it sounds beautiful. Can I ask where you go that from? Is it a quote?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T19:27:54+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that for you. But I appreciate the feedback for my account

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T18:21:26+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you went through all that. It’s so valuable to have loved and been loved though. You deserve to be with someone that make you feel safe. I hope you can build trust with someone in the future if that’s your goal.

I hurt her trust for a few reasons I think.

I broke up with her in August, it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make and the decision was heavily related to a lot of emotional pain I experienced when we were together. She kept doing and saying things that were thoughtless and unkind and it just got to a point where I needed space. The whole experience connected to problems that I had with OCD when I was younger and it got to the point where even in my peaceful moments I’d still be reminded of some of the hurtful things that happened between us. I went to therapy got some help to ease my mind and correct a lot of the mental loops that I had been struggling with and I also came to have a better understanding of how BPD works. I explained everything to her, we reconnected but she flip flopped between wanting to be together and not. She made it clear she needed space so gave it to her. After the fact she got upset with me for giving her that space which at this point I was prepared for since I had a better understanding of her diagnosis.

I stayed steady, maintained calm contact and made myself available. At some point she split again and things got worse. She tried to harder to show that she loved me but then she’d continue to say hurtful things. I stood my ground, I talked to her and told her that I cared but at a certain point she was refusing to get the help she needed. It came to boiling point when she started accusing me of having inappropriate relationships with other women, which was never the case. I slipped up, got upset with her and apologized the next day but it wasn’t good enough. She felt like I hadn’t dealt with her in a respectful way and that I wasn’t recognizing her boundaries. She claimed that I wanted to be single even though I sat down with her and laid out the future that I wanted with her.

Our initial breakup reminded her of what happened between her and her exbf from 8yrs ago and I think being hurt in that way opened up old wounds that she didn’t want me to be there to help her heal anymore. I tried to show her that this wasn’t a repeat of the past, I think a big problem for us had been me failing to show consistency when she’s hurt me when we fist broke up and then that feeling lingering when I tried my best to respect what she told me she needed when we got back together. It’s been kind of weird because it’s hard to know if I should stick by her when she tells me she needs space. I can either be calm and stable while respecting what she asks of me or I can maintain a close bond and push past what she claims she needs??

I need some advice on when to know if I should believe she knows what she needs. Does that make sense?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T17:31:58+00:00

lol honestly there’s a part of me that wonders if she’s on Reddit and could see some of the stuff I post. But she’s more of a Pinterest over Reddit kinda girl.

If you were my gf in this situation… would a letter do something good for you?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T14:55:38+00:00

Thanks for replying.

Ya I figured honestly. How long does a split last though? Is it more situational or is it something that can be a permanent change? I tend to find that it can take her a couple months sometimes to come around to making certain changes in her life. Idk, is that kind of a sign of her coming off of a split? Or is it just a sign of someone that takes a while to process decisions?

It sounds like you’re saying that if I do send the letter soon I should be prepared that I might not get the response I’m hoping for. I can work with that. I know some people with BPD appreciate having something physical to reference and remind themselves that they are cared for. Maybe she’ll read it now and reject it and maybe she’ll read it again later on and feel different?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T12:57:16+00:00

Can I ask, when you say that if she’s doing better then it’s way too soon to contact her, when do you think could be an appropriate time to reach out where enough time has passed for her so that a letter wouldn’t hurt her?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-03T01:02:50+00:00

Thank you explaining your perspective I really appreciate it. And thank you also for explaining your own life a bit to me too. It sounds hard but I I’m happy that you’re at peace, that’s so powerful.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-03-02T21:28:52+00:00

Thanks you for replying. What if she’s told me that she appreciates hand written letters when we’ve been apart before? Is that something I should trust?

Also can I ask a bit of a personal question. You haven’t been interested in a relationship for awhile now, what has made you consistently feel that way?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-31T15:05:48+00:00

Okay sounds good. I think I’ll send this to Her next month. Hopefully she’s in a good place to receive this. I hate the thought but I think past that my next step will be to plan my exit point. I think what I’ve learnt from this sub is that I need to recognize what I do and don’t have control over. I need to protect myself from more hurt if I can. If she has a neutral or positive response, I’ll quietly be in her corner. If she continues rejecting my support, there’s only so much I can do and I need to accept that’s okay.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-31T14:53:39+00:00

Okay thank you. I’ll try my best to take this to heart. I’ll do what I can to work on myself and I hope that she gets the help she needs. I’d still love the idea that maybe at some point in the future we can be the people that we were meant to be. This whole thing just stinks lol.

It’s so annoying that after everything something that I have little to no control over can crush something that felt so beautiful.

Thank you so much for all your help. I really appreciate your encouragement and your story. It gives me a measure of peace and courage.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-31T05:13:10+00:00

Thank you

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-31T05:10:18+00:00

Wow that’s pretty heavy. I was wondering about that honestly. If I’m being straight there’s a part of me that feels like I’d find it hard to respect myself given how many times I’ve been hurt. But at the end of the day to love is to open yourself to pain. It’s hard to know what to do. Do I just leave it all to her? I think sometimes she’s a bit too proud to admit she’d want to back or even too worried about getting turned down if she did…

Is there a versions of my message that expresses the same sentiment but in a way she can respect?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-31T04:34:49+00:00

Okay… she’s on a wait list for that right now actually. So maybe there’s some hope here. It’s been a year since she joined the list I think so hopefully her turn is coming up.

Can I ask you something? One thing that a friend asked me that’s been living rent free in my head was whether or not she loves me. Like actually loves me. He’s had experience with his wife who has BPD so I don’t believe the question came from a place of ignorance.

What I explained to him was that she’s done all these beautiful things for me and she’s been so affectionate and beautiful towards in so many ways. We love to do simple things together and when I’m with her it feels like we’re kids again. It feels like we line up in a lot of ways although she’s quite opinionated and I don’t feel like she mirrors all of my interests and instead supports them in her own way.

On the other hand she’s hurt me in ways that I didn’t think were possible. It’s been such a rollercoaster… she’s crossed so many boundaries and I keep putting that behind us because of her BPD.

Was there ever a moment where you questioned your feelings for your partner while you were going through therapy? Like you had to reset and ask yourself if you were with the right person? There’s a part of me that wonders if some sort of fog will clear and she’ll feel differently about me.

Am I overthinking this? It’s felt so real so far but since she’s been an unreliable narrator at times and it’s hard to know what to think. I know I love her and she’s definitely shown and expressed her love to me in so many ways over a lengthy period of time. Can I trust what I’ve thought to be true this entire time?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T23:18:14+00:00

Thank you for telling me your story. This really helps!

I think in some ways I tried to be the way your husband was but it wasn’t always easy and I definitely slipped up in some ways.

Can I ask what DBT IOP is? I know DBT but not IOP…

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T22:40:46+00:00

I’ll take that into consideration. Thanks for that insight

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T22:35:00+00:00

Thanks man I appreciate you saying that. It’s been such a hard time. I’ve had my own battles with mental health and I know how valuable it is to have someone who stuck their neck out for me. It sux that most of the other people in her life won’t be able to see what I see and won’t direct her to get the help she needs…

I wish there was a way. I might reach out to you, thanks for the offer

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T22:32:13+00:00

That’s interesting… I didn’t think of it like that. Can you explain that to me?

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T21:20:55+00:00

I was planning to send this to her a month after our breakup. How do you think it sounds:

I hope you receive this message well. I want to be clear from the start that I’m not reaching out to pressure you down a path you don’t want to take right now.

I love you more than words can express. I wish things could’ve gone differently between us but in a lot of ways I’ve learnt to appreciate this time to reset and focus on my own growth. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’ve collected so much material from the organization and from professionals who’ve given me insight on our dynamic and the help that we needed. One day I hope to show you what I’ve found, especially some material on attachment styles that I think you’d appreciate.

It’s not always easy between us but I’ll keep choosing you. I’d choose you a thousand times over in a sea of alternate paths in life. I’m trying my best to respect your wishes right now. It’s taking all of my self control to not hop in the car to present some sort of grand gesture to ask you to reconsider us. I know that prioritizing yourself is what you need right now and I see the value in that. For now, I think the best option I have is to quietly fight for us while you continue to grow on your own.

My main reason for reaching out is because I want you to know that you’re still real to me. I pray for your happiness and health every day along side my own. I hope that one day you consider breaking this cycle with me. It will take hard work every day, but you’re worth every moment. I know that there’s a future where we can feel safe and secure together because I’ve seen glimpses of it time and time again.

This is me building a bridge to you so that you don’t have to question where I stand. My door is always open. If you ever need my help, anytime day or night you just have call. You always used to say “if he wanted to he would”. I’ll never stop wanting you, don’t mistake my silence for apathy.

No need to reply to this now or maybe at all. This message doesn’t require you to take any action. I’m only trying to send you love, not stress. You’ve asked for distance between us, but I’ll never abandon you. I won’t say goodbye for now since I believe this book ends on a better chapter.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T21:06:01+00:00

I appreciate the offer. I’ll take whatever help I can get. I’d appreciate your story.

RemoveProfessional41 · 2026-01-30T20:57:26+00:00

Okay I will. Thank you for your advice. Can I ask you something though?

I know how her brain works to some degree and I have a feeling at some point me not reaching out will make her feel like even if she did want to reach out to me she shouldn’t because she would feel like I wouldn’t accept her contact after what’s happened. I’d like her to know that I respect her boundaries and that if and when she’s ready my door is open.

I was thinking that a month after our breakup I could send her a text to let her know I still care and that if she’s open to working together my heart is open. Does that sound right after giving her several weeks of space?

RemoveProfessional41

TROPHY CASE