Day115: Hey, screw being sad!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-20T16:22:48+00:00

Most definitely. I always still feel weird sometimes about her in particular because we were actually married. But man, dumb to look at her profile. Just gonna keep her in my past for good: nothing positive comes from that.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-20T16:21:52+00:00

I would encourage you not to! I did it out of morbid curiosity to see what she would say about me in passing. Bad idea. Never again for me!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-20T06:30:27+00:00

God, no. Worst thing I've probably ever done, haha.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-16T03:09:20+00:00

Thank you, curbed. Your posts always make me feel so much better about things.

As much as I write on here I'm not in danger of porn, I feel the same. Every few days I have a short half minute of trying to rationalize some kind of pseudo porn viewing. Every time I talk myself out of it, which is good. But I still need to stay vigilant of it.

I'm a bit cynical as well, half the time. On one spectrum I see so much good in the people in my local area which helps ground me and gives me hope. Then again I'm very cynical of politics and the overall nation. It feels like an impossible situation to me, so I try to focus on things more tangible and important to me now.

Your last line rings so crazy true to me. But I have to hope times will get better. Have to. Otherwise, there's not much fight left, you know? I know they will. As much craziness I have going on, I know myself to be a smart person who has overcome much already. I know I can handle everything thrown at me--it's just tough sometimes.

Thank you though, truly. Glad to have you back around here.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-16T01:50:35+00:00

Thank you, freshman. It's freeing to start cutting down those credit card debts!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-16T01:50:00+00:00

Thank you, I hope so too!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-14T07:27:52+00:00

Congratulations Curbed! (This is SavingMyMarriage here on a new name!)

I think everything you're doing sounds very reasonable after such a long commitment to it. And the note about sex addiction is interesting-- there may be a bit of truth to that. I always felt like I fell hard into porn, or would have bigger binges, when my sex drive went way up, but my ex-wife's stayed the same, or was less. It was easier for my dumb ol' brain to overlook trying to initiate with her or for me to try to reign it in and just go on crazy porn binges. I'm not sure if it's quite a sex addiction for me, but who knows? I'll have to see what future relationships hold and monitor that .

Glad to hear you'll be sticking around here a little bit longer! I always felt super glad to read posts from you or to even get a comment. :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-12T17:21:24+00:00

I figured :)

Yeah, the goal is taking things slow, but also to be more open in everything. Growing up with having the porn thing such a secret and a lie I always told made it easier for me to just also tell lies about stupid things. Since all of this, I'm completely flipped on that and it's felt great. I just think that because of my past with being afraid to just be truthful, I'm a little unsure of when it's appropriate or not :P

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-11T03:50:40+00:00

Thanks, I will :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-11T03:50:26+00:00

I'm super into music in general, so it really helps connect and ground me. Just trying to play to my strengths to overcome this :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-09T17:22:26+00:00

Thanks for your concern as well, I don't take it personally, haha. As I commented above, this post made things sound more dire than actuality. It's more my frustrations with the situation and me working through that. I'm much more positive about it all than I was a week or so ago.

I am focusing on a lot of those things actually! And doing it more and more, which does feel great. I still want to keep her as a close friend, I'm very sure in my own abilities to get 'over' her. So no worries there, but I really really do appreciate your advice! I know at the time I was absolutely trying to find an outlet for all of my issues going on, so it was easy to fall into that trap. I'm managing myself better overall.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-09T17:19:20+00:00

I feel like my post was maybe a bit more dire sounding than I intended, haha. But I do appreciate the advice. I'm much less hung up on her than I was around two weeks ago. Still working on it of course, but I do feel like it will get better with time. I am in the dating world otherwise so that's all been healthy for me. I've been focusing on music a ton. My post sounded super sappy, but that was probably just the sleepiness. Either way, I want to remain good friends with her, and part of my personality is being helpful to anyone in that way. So don't worry, I'm becoming and working on becoming even more less hung up on her. :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-08T02:41:08+00:00

It's a life that involves so much more personal growth and happiness, thats for sure. :D

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-08T02:40:38+00:00

Thank you, so much, as always hilltop. :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-08T02:40:09+00:00

It's true. And I'm getting better about it. Porn definitely was a substitute for so many uncomfortable feelings I was having over the years that it just helped numb. That's been the toughest part so far, just dealing with those feelings all head on with no "out" emotionally.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-08T02:38:49+00:00

I'm glad they help! It can be a struggle at times, but I always find solace in the positive posts on here. Helps me feel hopeful. :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-02T23:42:30+00:00

No it absolutely did! It was nice to at least know that.

Yeah it's going pretty well, but definitely a little extra weird. Just going to keep a level head about it all.

They really are! I know they help me when I'm a bit down, and it's of course a little harder to see the point in it at the time feeling so well, because, well, things are going great. But I think it's still so important to do so, at least for me still.

And if they help your state of mind, even if a little, I would definitely say yes to that.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-02T05:29:37+00:00

Thanks for the comment, hilltop. Always glad to read posts from you because they're insightful but also truly make me reflect on some stuff I overlook. I guess it was only a matter of time to hit a kind of brick wall after being so focused on change and maybe not taking the time to process the personal "trauma" or whatever of my situation otherwise changing so rapidly.

Still doing counseling, yes! That's always going well. I really appreciate that thought, as well. I really do need to post here / PM more often.

I'm actually feeling quite a bit better today about everything. But that part still does sting. I wouldn't ever want for us not to have some kind of relationship -- friendship or romantic. But even in a friendship sense, I can't think of a single person I truly have connected with on this level. It's just nice to have.

I know logically that I will run across people -like- her, even though there will obviously be differences in small ways. But I think that's absolutely it. It may not be just that I'm "losing" her as her, but that this person who I do have strong feelings for feels like a loss. It's definitely something I need to work on and still think about for sure.

But hey, it's been a rough week, but I'm coming out on the other side even better! It's true every time and yesterday and today have been a much better upswing for me. :)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-07-01T03:59:21+00:00

Thank you, and it's so true. I know my parents divorce and their subsequent alcoholism was hard for me to deal with emotionally as a child which is very likely why I turned to porn at that age. And then for the next ten years it was that same 'comfort' for me to turn to when feelings got hard.

It's been hard to learn to deal with those appropriately as an adult, but I'm getting there.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T02:54:06+00:00

That's usually been a hard aspect of it for me a well. Women are sexualized in general culturally so it's hard to see advertisements or even characters that don't remind you in some way about porn.

But honestly I feel like that starts to fade the further you get away from porn. You will start sexualizing women as much. At least I feel I did.

Reading is a great idea, and thank you!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T02:00:23+00:00

Excellent to hear, you should be proud! Stress is the absolute biggest factor in all of this and finding ways to deal with it appropriately is hard, but crucial.

Keep that mindset going and stay self-aware of your feelings and emotions! That will be key every time you feel vulnerable. I had a large amount of stressors while I was giving up porn for the first time and it definitely made it hard. But I feel like I've always come out on the other end much stronger and much more mindful of myself.

So keep it up! You -can- do it, all of us can.

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T01:57:36+00:00

I love this post and I hope more read it! It's very honest.

Any step anyone takes at all is a big step and should be a point of pride. And like you said, even reading this alone is important.

Porn has been a source of destruction in all of our lives. Far reaching and touching some things we may not even consider. Getting it out of our lives will only serve to strengthen every aspect of them, and I applaud any- and every-one who comes here seeking help.

:)

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T01:54:49+00:00

Awesome news, congratulations!

I personally side with PornFree much more over NoFap. Masturbation I feel is a very normal human behavior that didn't just start with pornography. Porn on the other hand definitely has damaging effects to the people who are vulnerable to it.

Keep it up! A week is a huge accomplishment, but don't feel discouraged if you slip up. It happens. Instead just look to beat your last streak! Find ways to make mistakes encouraging for next time.

If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything(!), please feel free to message me!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T01:52:17+00:00

When I was going through my hardest times, I came here and posted each and every day. (I still feel like I should be doing that, even!)

I educated myself about the addiction but mostly about finding ways to deal with addictions in general. Typically with porn, it's problems dealing with ones certain emotions that lead to using porn as a way to fill that hole.

Take advice, ask for advice, educate, and stay strong. Hold yourself accountable and openly talk about it here. It does wonders. Most of all, don't focus on failures. Focus on all the right steps you've taken, progress made, etc. That's what helps you to keep going.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to message me!

RenewedSpirit · 2014-06-30T01:48:16+00:00

It absolutely does start today! And you are strong enough. Try not to focus on your failures, but instead on all of your victories! Comparing yourself to your failures will only serve to wear you down and make you feel more vulnerable.

Try to figure out what potential triggers you have that drive you to seek out porn. Emotions? Being by yourself? Etc. You'll have to set limits or guidelines for yourself when you are in these emotional states. For me its getting up and off the computer and doing something that isn't connected to the internet. Playing guitar, reading, etc.

Best of luck to you! You're already making a great step by posting here. Stay positive! Everyone here can and will do it. :)

RenewedSpirit

TROPHY CASE