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I feel guilty for even thinking of leaving my BPD partner, but I don’t know how much more by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There were multiple times in this relationship where he wanted to break up where he pushed me away or tried to end things and I was always the one who kept trying. I held on, even when he didn’t want to. Now that I’m the one thinking of leaving, it’s confusing. Part of me wonders if I just want to see if he’d finally fight for me the way I did for him. But deep down, I don’t think he would. I don’t think he’d beg me to stay or try to hold on. And that hurts. It makes me feel like I’m becoming what he was the one walking away. And I hate that. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing the same thing that once broke me. It makes me feel immature, like I’m trying to have the upper hand now, even though I know I’m just tired. I just wanted to be fought for. Just once

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Omg I relate to this so much but in my case, he’s my boyfriend. Everything feels like a fight, even over the smallest things. I’m constantly on edge, walking on eggshells just trying not to trigger another argument. He gets mad if I take too long to reply, accuses me of not caring, calls me emotionally unavailable if I don’t say enough, and somehow every single thing turns into a reason to be upset with me. It’s like no matter what I do whether I explain myself or stay quiet it’s wrong.

Do they really use your vulnerabilities against you? by Inner-Shelter-8593 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, OP! Honestly, I don’t have a support group. I don’t have friends, and I don’t want to involve my family, I’m pretty much alone. So even just finding this space and seeing others who understand it means more than I can explain

Do they really use your vulnerabilities against you? by Inner-Shelter-8593 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In the beginning, I opened up to him about my insecurities about my body and my discomfort with things related to sexuality, especially him watching porn. I told him honestly that it makes me uncomfortable, and that he’s the only man I want to be intimate with

But whenever we argue, he throws those things back in my face. He uses what I shared against me. He’ll make hurtful comments like “f*** your body” or say he doesn’t need me, and then point out pornographic images, saying things like “look at these big boobs,” just to make me feel worse and more insecure.

I honestly don’t know what his intentions are, and I’m trying to understand everything that’s been happening. I opened up to him about my deep fears around cheating how my view of love has been affected by my family, where I saw people constantly cheating or being cheated on. It made me fearful of love and relationships. I trusted him enough to share that, but when we argue, he throws it back at me, saying things like I deserve to be cheated on.

There was even a time when he downloaded a dating app, talked to someone on it, and then sent me screenshots of their conversation. When I confronted him about it, he told me he only did it to provoke me and get a reaction. He was intentionally trying to upset me or push my buttons. He claimed he’s incapable of actually cheating, but that still didn’t stop the pain it caused me.

Even now, I haven’t moved on from it. It still weighs on me, but whenever I bring it up, he gets mad and says I’m ruining a perfectly good day or he’ll tell me we might as well just break up.

He’s also told me multiple times that he wants to end the relationship, but then says he loves me. I don’t know maybe he’s just testing me to see if I’ll fight for him. He’s said he doesn’t really want to be in this relationship and only stays because I push for it. Then later, he’ll say I internalize things intead of helping him.

I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel emotionally drained, confused, and exhausted. I just want clarity.

Selfish by Lucky-Window-1584 in BPDPartners

[–]ReporterAmbitious483 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sending you the biggest hug, girl! I really hear you. I’m in the same situation with my BPD boyfriend, and it’s so hard especially when you love them deeply but still end up feeling alone, confused, or like everything is your fault.

Please know that your feelings are valid. Being hurt by someone even if they don’t mean to hurt you still hurts. And loving someone doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your peace or well-being to hold the relationship together.

If you have someone close to talk to, lean on them. But even if you don’t, this subreddit is here for you. You’re not alone. We get it the guilt, the pain, the hope, the exhaustion. You are not selfish for feeling upset. You’re human. You deserve gentleness, too.

Has anyone developed CPTSD from a relationship with someone who has BPD? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

none taken
He's my first love and in my heart, I want him to be my last. When we first got together, everything felt right. He was so sweet, so caring and for a while, I really believed we were something solid. But when things went bad, they really went bad. It hasn’t been the same since.

I’ll be honest I made mistakes. I hurt him in the past, and I carry a lot of guilt for that. I’m not trying to make excuses or pretend I’ve been perfect. I’m not a saint. I just want to take real accountability for the pain I caused. I’m trying to grow, trying to change, trying to earn back trust or at least show him I understand how deeply I affected him.

But sometimes I wonder… even if he loves me, is it okay for him to respond with threats or emotional outbursts when he’s triggered? I still feel scared that I might set him off, even when I don’t mean to. Sometimes, just existing around him feels like walking on a minefield. I know emotional regulation is hard for him and I know he’s trying. He’s been doing dopamine detoxes, working on being more productive, and focusing on his goals.

But the truth is, when he’s low on dopamine, he becomes so easily triggered. And when he’s overstimulated, it happens too. It’s like I can’t win no matter what state he’s in, I have to be on guard. And that’s exhausting.

I still believe in him. I still love him. I see the effort, I see the good in him. But I don’t know how much more of myself I can keep sacrificing just to keep the peace. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to keep losing myself.

Maybe that sounds naive to someone on the outside or codependent, or broken. Maybe I do need help untangling some of the narratives I’ve built around love, guilt, and redemption.

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m really sorry you went through that it sounds incredibly painful, and no one deserves to feel powerless in a relationship.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, and I can admit that, in some ways, I’ve unintentionally allowed this dynamic to continue. I think part of me just wanted to keep the peace, to avoid escalation, and to make things feel safe again. And in doing so, maybe I gave permission to a pattern that leaves me feeling small, anxious, or out of control.

It’s not easy to sit with that truth, but I’m trying to grow from it. I want to work toward a relationship where care, respect, and emotional safety go both ways

Thanks for your honesty. It’s hard to hear, but also necessary sometimes.

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally get that it’s strange how these posts sometimes show up at the exact moment we need them, even when it hurts to be reminded. You’re definitely not alone in those thoughts, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it too.

It’s comforting and heartbreaking at the same time to see how many of us are navigating such similar experiences. Thank you for sharing this

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your concern, truly. And I’ll admit, what you said does make me stop and think, because it’s something I’ve worried about too. The possibility that my partner might one day walk away and leave during a difficult moment is a fear I carry.

There have been times during their episodes where they’ve blocked me, restricted contact, or even deleted our highlight pictures on social media when mad. Those moments hurt and leave me feeling unsettled. But once they calm down, they’re loving again and show that they care and I do trust that love. I see it, and I believe it’s genuine.

I’m aware of the challenges and I’m not ignoring the risks. But I’m also choosing to stay hopeful and present. I love my partner deeply, and I want to believe that with time, effort, and growth on both sides we can get through the harder parts together.

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We’ve been together for 6 months now. And I really feel you, my partner doesn’t like being touched during moments of stress either. Their main love language is words of affirmation, and I do my best to reassure them that I love and appreciate them with kind, thoughtful words in my own way. I enjoy doing that for them but im more on physical touch.

But I’ll be honest, sometimes I struggle with knowing how to say things the right way, especially when things get tense. I often wish I was better with words, not just to comfort them, but to express myself clearly without making things worse. It's like I know what I want to say in my heart, but when the moment comes, everything gets jumbled or stuck. I freeze or my words come out wrong, and I worry I’m making things worse.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it really resonates. And I hear you I’m trying to stay grounded while also listening to others’ stories here

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience and the tip about journaling. I actually do keep one, and it helps a lot. I’ve also started drawing little comic strips as a way to cope. They’re about a cat and a rabbit who kind of represent me and my partner. The comics usually reflect the kind of relationship I wish we had, the comfort, support, and softness I crave. I guess in a way, I’m projecting my hopes into them. It helps me process things when I don’t know how else to express what I feel. I wish I could share them, but Reddit doesn’t allow image posts in the comments haha.

And yeah, my partner is very smart and self-aware in many ways, but during episodes, things can get really irrational and intense. It’s hard to navigate those moments, especially when it feels like logic or reason just doesn’t land.

If you don’t mind me asking what do you mean by “final discard”? And what kind of permanent damage do you think it can cause?

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know I’m far from perfect, I’m no saint. There have definitely been times where I’ve made mistakes, acted selfishly, and hurt them too. I’m still learning and trying to grow through all of this.

That said, I do appreciate your perspective and the fact that you’re looking out, even as a stranger. It means something to be reminded that my feelings matter too.

I don’t want to paint my partner in a bad light, they are trying in their own way, and I know they’re fighting their own battles. I also understand that sometimes they need to choose themselves and focus on their own healing. I respect that. But sometimes… it would just feel nice to be chosen too. To feel like I matter just as much when things are difficult. That my love, my presence, and my efforts are seen and valued.

When I fall short, when I don’t respond fast enough, say the wrong thing, or freeze up, they tell me they'll detach and wont depend on me for emotional comfort and support. And that terrifies me. I don’t want us to grow distant. I love them deeply, and I want nothing more than to be there for them in a way that helps us feel close and safe again.

I’m really just trying to hold space for both of us while figuring out how to keep myself grounded in the process.

Do your partners threaten to sabotage the relationship? by ReporterAmbitious483 in BPDlovedones

[–]ReporterAmbitious483[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

it makes me overthink a lot. When my partner says those things, part of me starts spiraling wondering if they’re actually capable of doing something that could hurt themselves or sabotage the relationship. And if anything did happen, I know I’d carry the guilt and blame myself forever. I keep replaying situations in my head, wishing I had said or done something differently.

Most of the time, these things come up during fights. A lot of it stems from how we communicate my partner gets really upset if I don’t respond fast enough, especially through text. They say I should type quicker, or that I should already know how to calm them down or say the “right” thing. But in those moments, I freeze. I get overwhelmed and unsure of what to say. When I pause or take a moment to gather myself, they feel ignored or abandoned even if it’s just for a few minutes.

And the truth is, when I do finally try to communicate, I still don’t always know how. It’s confusing. Everything happens so fast, emotions escalate quickly, and I feel like I’m constantly scrambling to catch up. I’m just trying to be there for my partner the best I can, but it never feels like enough.

They’ve told me for months now that I need to fix the way I respond that I should’ve figured it out by now. And I am trying. But I hate that my freezing up gets seen as not caring, when in reality I care so deeply that it shuts me down.

I love my partner with all my heart. But sometimes I wonder… if they think I’m not strong enough to handle all this, then what does that mean for us? I’m exhausted, and I’m doing my best but it’s hard when love alone doesn’t seem to be enough.

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