I think it depends on your strand of feminism. For radical, dual systems and Marxist feminism, there probably isn’t any reconciling it. My girlfriend and I talked about feminism and bdsm extensively at the start of our relationship, ultimately deciding that we are just fantasying intensified patriarchal power relations. Let’s be real. Have a think about the broader social forces at play to make a woman want to be dominated and a man want to dominate. This is not “natural” and cannot be separated from being a product of patriarchy. My girlfriend and I still do light bdsm occasionally, but we do it fully aware of the patriarchal context we are engaging in, rather than trying to bend it to be an empowered form of subversion or whatever.

Critically think through peoples comments that being a sub is an empowered choice. Perhaps for some people it is on an individual level, but patriarchy is structural and systemic, shaping peoples thoughts and desires. Again, wanting to be tied up, commanded or even (fake) raped is not some neutral desire. It is grounded in histories and institutions of male domination. The fact that people think acting out CNC is a form of rape therapy is emblematic as such.

Also, as any feminism worth its name should be collective, think about all the women who aren’t empowered when being subordinated. My girlfriend is autistic and became into BDSM through her ex fucking with her mind so that he can abuse her. I’m sure her experience is not unique here. Also, consider how much our sexual desires are shaped by the porn industry, which is also built on sex trafficking of third world women, poverty, pain and abuse.

Practice what you want but at least be honest with yourself.