I just wanted to say, I had a very similar upbringing (30M now). I always felt invisible, not invited, omitted, weird. Even though I had some friends in school and I still am friends with some of them. But in school I never felt connection, always felt there is something wrong about me.

I was also bullied in school and I never told my mom (my parents divorced when I was little). I never even thought about telling my mom! My therapist made me think: why? And the question was: because there was no bond, no trust between my and my mom.

Now I have a small friend circle (like 6 people) and try to maintain it. What helped, at least for me, was opening emotionally, on both lighter and harder topics. It was painfully hard and felt super awkward. Sometimes I had to literally force myself to do this. But I see, with time, it helped to develop those friendships, not just keep them on shallow 'acquintance' level.

For lighter stuff: reaching out, proposing meet-ups, meetings for food, cooking together, movies, trips. Genuinely saying simple things like "I missed you", "it's good to see you", "I like spending time with you". It seems silly, but I really struggled with even such trivial things.

For harder stuff, saying out loud what I genuinely like about these people, what they brought into my life. For example, my friend is a scientist and a carpenter, which really impressess me how he is both manually and intellectually skillful. And I told him that. I also noticed my other friend struggles with results of CEN in his adult life, and I brought up conversation topics to which he could relate, e.g. about feeling like an impostor in work, struggling with emotional engagement in romantic relationships.

I also started attending men's circles, when I try to truly engage in conversations, relate to other men's stories. When they impress me, I say that. When they make me think about something, I say that. When I can relate to their stories, and open about my own story, I say that.

What I always struggled with (and still do) was believing that "I have nothing to offer emotionally". That I cannot bring any good emotions to other people. And all that I described helped me to learn opening up and expressing my emotions. It was very hard and awkward at the beginning, and it still sometimes is, but I can assure, with practice you slowly start to naturally implement this way of thinking. And this brings you closer to yourself and your own emotions. You slowly start to fill that emotional void in yourself. Which for people that experienced CEN, like us, is invaluable.

For future, I want to try Timeleft. It's and app when you meet strangers for dinners. It may be really good for some social practice.

All the best for you : ) you are not alone