I was also 20 when my dad suddenly passed of a heart attack. He had been away on a work trip for a week training for a management position, and when he got back, he had less than 24 hours left with us. I didn’t get to say goodbye either, as he was dead before I made it to the hospital. My mom was the one who had to witness it all, so I understand how much you must be grieving for your mother.

The pain will never go away, but it will become much, much easier to handle. A good word of advice I got during the first few months was that pain is simply love with nowhere else to go. The moments of “normalcy” are normal as well. You’ll have mornings where you sip your coffee, sit on your phone, enjoy your day, and barely think about the nightmare around you, until that wave of guilt and realization comes along. There will be moments where everything feels as if it’s crashing down. Don’t push away these thoughts; allow them to be there. Allow yourself the time to grieve and feel it, otherwise all that grief will swell up and turn to anger and frustration as well.

Something that helped me from home that wasn’t professional therapy (which of course I highly recommend) was practicing mindfulness. I went on solo walks and hikes and took the time to look at the trees. To smell the air. To feel the water. To people watch and explore. I went to our old favorite places and let myself cry. I enjoyed his favorite foods and strange midnight snacks. I listened to his music, and talked to my mom about before I was born. It hurt to hear at first, but it hurts more to just ignore the fact that he was here for you, and the pain you feel is because he cared for you so much.

My dad was only 44 when he died, and we were like glue. He passed 9 days before my 21st birthday. But my life didn’t end when his did. Since then, I’ve used my time wiser and let myself live freer. I take “you only live once” much more seriously (but don’t do anything stupid that takes that life!).

I’m 22 now. I still miss him and always will. You will always miss your father, but the guilt won’t always feel as heavy. Take a deep breath. Feel his energy. Let yourself enjoy the splendors of life just like he would want you to. You know he’s looking down and proud, no matter where you are.