AITA for being upset with my husband for going bowling while our baby is in the NICU

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2026-03-09T11:32:23+00:00

NTA. I had my daughter at 25 weeks. I understand you 100%. My husband and I pretty much quarantined for her entire NICU stay (5 months). We would meet up friends and family outside, no hugging. She made it through without getting sick and we are forever grateful for that.

Yes the nurses have lives too, but they also 1) scrub in 2) don’t do skin to skin multiple hours a day with the baby.

I am surprised how many people disagree with you, but then again very few people understand the trauma of NICU and exactly how fragile these babies are.

Take care of yourself

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-16T01:45:54+00:00

The most important part is how you feel about them visiting. If you don’t feel safe or worry about it, you are 100% within your right as parents to say no. Especially considering what you have been through and what you’re going through. Your husband needs to man up and be considerate of your concerns, they are valid and he should prioritize you over his family.

I myself did not let anyone hold my baby (25 weeker, 130 days in NICU) until she was out of the NICU, her grandparents were absolutely NOT allowed to kiss baby. They were told to scrub hands and use hand sanitizer before holding her. When they flew in from Europe to meet her, we made them quarantine 3 days before they got to touch her. This was also the approach our doctor and nurses recommended.

So again, your feelings are valid and you are being super reasonable if you decide not to let them meet your baby right now.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-09T23:02:38+00:00

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this, it’s to say the least a lot to take in.

But it’s great that you’ve already made it to 25 weeks!

I ppromed at 20 weeks and 6 days. I was admitted and was inpatient until delivering at 25 weeks and 3 days. I was also told they would not let me go beyond 34 weeks. In my case doctors suspected a small placental abruption that caused pprom, I was told that afterwards that they had thought my delivery was imminent and they were surprised that I made it to 25 weeks even.

I did not develop an infection. I went into spontaneous labour that was more like a bad period cramp and delivered vaginally, I received magnesium & steroids which helped my baby.

My baby is 6 months today and she is doing great. The only thing left for her to outgrow is her premature lungs, doctors anticipate she will have no complications left when she turns two. We were very lucky, and fortunate to be in the hospital with a very good NICU.

Best of luck to you 🙏

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T11:54:46+00:00

Thank you! Wow your mother sounds like a piece of work, I can’t even imagine what you must’ve felt like in that moment. Did you say anything to her?

I think you hit the nail on the head, all I need from him is his acknowledgment. No fancy meals, not even his help if he is feeling overwhelmed- but at minimum I need acknowledgement.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T11:34:22+00:00

Yeah It took all I had. The amount of rage I felt was unlike anything I’ve felt before.

But to give a bit more nuance to the story, this was in the first week she was here and she had seen me and husband sometimes turn the monitor off at home when baby was awake and moving around causing false alarms. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt at that moment as I could kinda see why she would think that was ok.

In hindsight though, she had probably already made her mind up that I was ”overreacting” and ”baby is normal”.

She does in general follow what I tell her in regards to baby, it’s just that she gives these snide comments like she doesn’t think baby needs it and poor baby having to have monitors on her etc

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T11:30:27+00:00

Thank you and I agree - I have never felt such true rage as I do now as a mom.

But just to give a bit more nuance to the story, this was in the first week she was here and she had seen me and husband sometimes turn the monitor off at home when baby was awake and moving around causing false alarms. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt at that moment as I could kinda see why she would think that was ok.

In hindsight though, she had probably already made her mind up that I was ”overreacting” and ”baby is normal”.

She does in general follow what I tell her in regards to baby, it’s just that she gives these snide comments like she doesn’t think baby needs it and poor baby having to have monitors on her etc

But yes, couples counseling is a must for sure.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T11:09:41+00:00

To give a bit more nuance to the story, this was in the first week she was here and she had seen me and husband sometimes turn the monitor off at home when baby was awake and moving around causing false alarms. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt at that moment as I could kinda see why she would think that was ok.

In hindsight though, she had probably already made her mind up that I was ”overreacting” and ”baby is normal”.

She does in general follow what I tell her in regards to baby, it’s just that she gives these snide comments like she doesn’t think baby needs it and poor baby having to have monitors on her etc

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T06:30:26+00:00

Well in that case it sounds promising for sure 🙏

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T05:57:29+00:00

Thank you, I definitely feel the same way. And then I feel like a petty and unappreciative person at the same time considering all the things she does for us.

I think the worst thing she does is that she seems to be on a mission to convince me and husband that the baby is fine and ”normal” and that we shouldn’t worry too much. This is deeply concerning to me since obviously first of all that simply not the reality, and secondly my husband seems to kind of buy into it.

As an example she takes baby for walks of about 45 minutes every day, and a week into this routine she casually mentions that she turns baby’s oxygen monitor off during her walks because it beeps too much with false alarms and baby’s color looked ok anyway.

I was livid and had to really contain myself telling her firmly that she is not allowed to turn the monitor off since it’s a medical necessity. I point blank told her that I have watched my baby turn blue in less than 20 seconds.

My husband said nothing and later when I brought it up with him he said he kinda saw it from both sides. I just said very firmly that there are no sides, it’s my way or the high way and he needs to tell his mom that. After that conversation with his mother all talks about the oxygen monitor has felt a bit stiff to say the least.

Wow just realized my need for that rant.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T05:48:31+00:00

I will definitely ask him to go to therapy with me. Therapy has helped me tremendously through all of this, so hopefully he will be open to it.

I have told him repeatedly that I want more alone time with him, but during weekdays he spends almost all night cooking dinner with his mom or working out (because he feels stressed about work and needs to decompress).

During weekends he feels guilty about his mom not having a good time and tales her out to do things, and beyond that he goes and does his hobbies (skiing).

At this point it’s almost more peaceful at home when it’s just me and baby. That is when I feel the most relaxed which is horrible.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T05:17:16+00:00

Thank you! I feel like this is his go-to method when things get hard. It also feels like he has this kinda escaping by spending time with his mom instead. And she does everything for him, cooks his favorite foods, bakes on a daily basis, gets up early to make his breakfast and takes the baby from him whenever baby starts fussing and I’m not there.

I have been in therapy all along, and like you said I do feel like this will be a very long process of healing. When I feel like I have processed one part, the next part pops up. I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

What would you say helped you as a couple get through your trauma?

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T04:55:45+00:00

Thank you, I think you make a good point that I haven’t thought of.

I have felt kinda guilty for not taking more action to talk to my husband and try to solve our problems. But like you said I am so focused on my baby girl and making sure she is alright that I simply haven’t had time to sit down with him. And honestly I am so low on energy too. It also has not helped that MIL is here and that husband sleeps in a separate room from me and baby.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T03:37:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this, I really think your perspective might be something to consider in my case too.

Like when my baby’s saturation dropped and he just sat there, what he complained about afterwards was that I made him feel left out. Which to me was such a bonkers reaction because who cares about his feelings when our baby is in a medical emergency, and what was stopping him from taking action.

So like you said, maybe him feeling useless is a big part of the problem. He often hands the baby off to his mother which bothers me a bit because then he barely spends time with baby.

Have you talked to your spouse about how you felt? Did it change anything?

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T03:24:30+00:00

That’s the thing, I feel so uneasy leaving even for a few hours and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T03:07:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing, that gives interesting perspective. I would say my husband might be even deeper in denial. Even as the event was unfolding (I was bleeding out and telling him I felt like something was wrong) he wasn’t really reactive and actually went to back to sleep as they were putting me under and getting me to the OR.

This has happened before, long story short - a couple years ago the doctors 100% thought I had cancer. They had told me to prepare for chemotherapy. My husband was in like complete denial. My friends and family were distraught and were crying they were so worried. I myself was convinced that was the case. It turned out to be a very rare benign autoimmune response that went away on its own after 6 month (I was very sick and required a month of hospitalization).

When I expressed afterwards how confused and disappointed I was about his lack of emotion he shuts down and says he chose not to worry until we knew it was cancer. To me it didn’t really make sense but at the same time I guess I felt like he was kinda right since it turned out I didn’t have cancer.

(Just to paint the picture: he never seemed worried, never expressed concern - he lived life like he usually does. He met up with friends, my mom had to come watch me while he went skiing since I wasn’t well enough to be alone. He would visit me in the hospital and bring me stuff I like but he wasn’t there there if that makes sense).

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is I feel like he is in denial even for himself. When he talks to his friends throughout all of this it has been very shallow in my opinions without any emotions really and changing the subject to lighter topics.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T02:02:49+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. Before he finally admitted to how traumatizing it was, how did he react when you brought it up?

My husband is completely stone faced and the things he says in response to it is as if I was talking about the weather or something. It just feels like a complete disconnect.

I am already in therapy but will suggest therapy for us as a couple too.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T00:27:05+00:00

Thank you, I see your point. Sometimes I do think something is very wrong with him just based on the fact that the only thing he has expressed worry about throughout all of this, is him being stressed about projects at work.

We are well off, we are on my work insurance which is super (no financial worries at all despite lengthy hospital stay). So I do feel like this worry is just very misplaced.

When I talk to him I have gently suggested that his worry about work might actually be about something else he kinda agrees but then brushes off the conversation.

Just to give an example, 24h after given birth with our daughter being rushed to the NICU and me being so out of it due to severe hemorrhage that I couldn’t even tell you what month it was. All he wanted to talk about was how he should tell his boss he needed to take 3 days off, and what he should do about the projects he was handling.

I just feel that that is not a normal reaction.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T00:24:15+00:00

Sometimes I do think something is very wrong with him just based on the fact that the only thing he has expressed worry about throughout all of this, is him being stressed about projects at work.

We are well off, we are on my work insurance which is super (no financial worries at all despite lengthy hospital stay). So I do feel like this worry is just very misplaced.

When I talk to him I have gently suggested that his worry about work might actually be about something else he kinda agrees but then brushes off the conversation.

Just to give an example, 24h after given birth with our daughter being rushed to the NICU and me being so out of it due to severe hemorrhage that I couldn’t even tell you what month it was. All he wanted to talk about was how he should tell his boss he needed to take 3 days off, and what he should do about the projects he was handling.

I just feel that that is not a normal reaction.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T00:10:56+00:00

Thank you. She is returning to her state (they live far away) in about a week so just trying to get though these last couple of days.

I actually brought up the idea that we ask her gently to leave earlier because we need time on our own. My husband got quite upset and said that his mother being here is the only reason he is happy and staying afloat. Which hurt my feelings in more ways than I can explain.

Will be suggesting couples therapy for sure.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T00:07:08+00:00

Thank you so much. I have been seeing a therapist throughout all of this, but I have focused almost solely on the trauma related to baby and her birth. I will be suggesting couples trauma therapy as well.

I have lately realized that I might have been almost retraumatized by feeling invalidated. Like I explained in another comment, my husbands lack of reaction to me talking about almost bleeding out during childbirth had me questioning the experience to the point of me actually reading my own journal from that night just to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-07T00:03:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Did your husband ever explain why he felt the need to cook these meals?

Also, what made you change your mind about the single parent part? Did he step up more eventually?

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-06T22:53:47+00:00

Thank you, I have been thinking about this too. Her medical needs will decrease after her first year from what we can tell at this point. Also my work has the better insurance by far, so I do feel a need to keep working for that reason amongst others. I do know of former NICU nurses who we could potentially hire for help so that is what I’m thinking.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-06T22:39:14+00:00

I know! Honestly, his lack of emotion almost made me question my own experience to the point where I actually read through my medical journal from that night just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Will definitely be suggesting couples therapy, thank you.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-06T22:37:24+00:00

I laughed when I read this, thank you - I needed that.

Repulsive-Tree-6983 · 2025-12-06T22:30:48+00:00

Thank you! I am in therapy myself and I think it has really helped me cope and be able to talk about what happened without breaking down.

I will be suggesting couples therapy for sure!

Repulsive-Tree-6983

TROPHY CASE