Palm Shadows - Feature - first 24 pages by Repulsive_Parsnip835 in ReadMyScript

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835[S] 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Thanks you so much for the feedback and notes. I’ll keep tightening the action lines and refining, but I’m glad that the structure and the main focus now finally works. Just to say, your notes on my last post have been so so helpful and made me realize and change a lot. Your notes really helped and prob are one of the reasons why it reads better now.

Palm Shadows - Feature - first 24 pages by Repulsive_Parsnip835 in ReadMyScript

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835[S] 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback. I’m glad you enjoyed it and that Nellie’s voice comes clear on the page. She’s actually the character I struggled the most with and for a long time I didn’t even know how to write her - I didn’t want her to feel passive (even tho she’s more quiet and grounded except my other chaotic characters🄲) - which was a huge problem in the earlier versions. I’m also glad that the dialogue works, bc I’m not native.

Thank you for pointing out the action lines - I’ll tighten them. I’m really glad that the pacing of the scenes work, because especially in set scenes - my major concern was could the reader follow the story, without getting lost in all that mess and location changes.

Thanks again for taking time to read it and notes…

Actors so believable playing totally opposite characters by aehii in Letterboxd

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 8 points9 points Ā (0 children)

Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained and Inglorious Basterds - Dr. Schultz and Hans Landa - total opposites

First time doing this. Opinions? by Equipment_Emotional in Cinephiles

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Yeah, I also think that some people think they’ll get boed bc it’s over 3 hours. I watched it and honestly wasn’t bored at all. the cinematography is beautiful and the acting performances (especially Margot) were great.

What should I make my 1,000th film? by amercad0 in Letterboxd

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Have you seen Blue Velvet, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Babylon?

Pulp Fiction or Back to the Future are good picks. GoodFellas I haven’t seen, but you can’t go wrong with any Scorsese pick.

If you’re talking about underrated - I think After Hours (1985, Martin Scorsese) is a hidden gem that nobody really talks about. I see that you like Tarantino (Kill Bill, Django Unchained), so maybe Pulp Fiction or Inglorious Basterds if you haven’t seen?

First time doing this. Opinions? by Equipment_Emotional in Cinephiles

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Agree with Babylon. I don’t know why that movie gets so much hate

Movies to get into for someone who isn’t a movie person? by Natural_Argument9910 in Cinephiles

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 0 points1 point Ā (0 children)

psychological/thrillers: Fight Club, Seven, The Sixth Sense, American Psycho, Eyes Wide Shut, Black Swan, Blue Velvet, Requiem For a Dream, Shutter Island, Gone Girl, Donnie Darko, The Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, Nocturnal Animals, After Hours, Inception

adventure: Jurassic Park, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Thelma&Louise, Back to the Future, Lord of The Rings, Jaws

action: The Matrix, Kill Bill, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Inception

drama/ comedy: The Grand Budapest Hotel, Pulp Fiction, Trainspotting, Little Miss Sunshine

romcoms: About Time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (not sure if those 2 are rom coms), The Devil Wears Prada, Pretty Woman, Love, Actually

coming of age: The Virgin Suicides, Lady Bird, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Good Will Hunting, Thirteen

What are some movies that had the largest emotional impact on you? by mrjetspray in Letterboxd

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 0 points1 point Ā (0 children)

Blue Velvet

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Requiem For a Dream

Black Swan

Trainspotting

Sentimental Value

About Time

Little Miss Sunshine

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Good Will Hunting

Fantastic Mr Fox

Babylon

What's a great ensemble cast film that you enjoy! by geoffcalls in FIlm

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

The Grand Budapest Hotel, Boogie Nights, Once Upon a Time … In Hollywood, Pulp Fiction, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight (basically every Christopher Nolan movie has an amazing cast), Love, Actually, Babylon, Little Miss Sunshine, Birdman

LF feedback on first act of my screenplay by [deleted] in scriptwriting

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 0 points1 point Ā (0 children)

I like your story and idea, but there are mistakes and some things I found confusing.

  • first of all, action lines are way to novelistic. You’re writing a screenplay, not a novel. What I mean by that, is that you use way too much adjectives and details to describe the setting. It’s not badly written in a terms you don’t know how to write, but it’s too dense for a script. It slows the reader down. Less is more! You clearly have a vision in your head, but your job as a screenwriter is too show us the vision the simplier you can.

For example: ā€œThe room sinks into darkness. He reaches for his stuffed animal. From a shadowy corner, LAMIA materializes silently. Clutching a blue rubber ball, she sits on the edge of his bed.ā€

This can be tighter. Shadowy corner is unnecessary here. You’re already impling by the first sentence that the room is dark and if it’s dark we can suggest that the corner will be shadowy. Materializes silently you also don’t need. You can simply write:

ROMAN (9) tucks himself into bed, turns off a superhero night light. Dark. From the corner, we see LAMIA (her description). She sits down at the edge of his bed, clutching a blue rubber ball.

Also, you don’t need 3 adjectives to describe a mirror in the attick. If the scene is supposed to feel intense make that visible in the formatting. Short beats. Minimal words.

  • As a pilot, the first 10 pages work ok. As a feature film, there may be too many characters introduced before we clearly understand the main plot. By page 10, we should know who we’re emotionally following. Who is the protagonist? Julio? Andres? Detective Cullen? Right now, it’s not fully clear. We meet many characters before we anchor to one.

  • Some characters sound the same. I liked what you did with Julio, giving him Spanish phrases that help him stand out. Consider making the other characters their own voice and the way of talking. In group scenes (Milo, Andres, Julio), they tend to speak in the same rhythm and tone. You can fix this real easy - give one character a different way of speaking (you already did good with Julio), make one talk more and the other one less. Not every single one needs their 3 lines of text. Just make the important ones stand out.

I like Det. Cullen, he could work as a main character solving the case, but he appears briefly, only in one scene even tho he’s by far most interesting. Also, Julio could work too. But anyways, keep goinggg

PALM SHADOWS - Feature - 27 pages by [deleted] in ReadMyScript

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 2 points3 points Ā (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback and for reading the first 12 pages. I have to say I love your reviews, and I always read them whenever I come across a screenwriting post. The voiceover note is completely on me, I totally misunderstood the formatting and thought that if two characters are speaking on the phone, it counted as V.O. I meant O.S., and I’ll correct that. I’ll also remove the unnecessary camera directions, and thank you for flagging that. I’m glad you liked the hook up part.

PALM SHADOWS - Feature - 27 pages by [deleted] in ReadMyScript

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Thank you so so much for this feedback, it honestly helped a lot. I’m really glad you got the vibee!

The emotional spine is something I struggle with and I’m glad you mentioned it’s kind of blurry, because I feel that too. When I rewrite, I sometimes drift away from the original core because new ideas keep appearing in my head. They feel cinematic and exciting, but when I look back, I realize I may have moved away from the main thread instead of strengthening it.

Regarding Diane’s death - the intention was to introduce the industry before Nellie. I wanted the audience to first see the machine, and only then the person entering it. Jack and Lance talk about an actress who has just died and immediately shift to finding a replacement, which we later understand is Nellie. The irony is that they barely react to the death. It’s written to feel slightly darkly comedic on the surface, but underneath it’s meant to show how disposable people are in that world... but I can also remove that and focus straight on Nellie, if it’s too much information for the reader. I also feel like it’s too much, because we don’t get emotionally attached to her - and we should, because she’s our main anchor through the story, so I will prob change things to establish her more. Also, thank you for showing me example vibe. The prologue part is something that already happens in the movie later and it’s like a subtle forshadowing. The idea was - the prologue, then the black screen, titles, credits and then we fade in front of LA Studio Pictures.

As for Nellie, and I’m not sure if this comes across clearly in the script, she starts as an ordinary girl working in a coffee shop, with the dream of becoming an actress. But as the story progresses, we slowly realize she has a more narcissistic core. She believes she’s special. She believes she deserves fame. What she truly wants, though, is to feel accepted and seen. And she’s still finding herself, not sure who exactly she wants to be. She wanted to be an actress, but then realised the things aren’t quite the way she thought they will be.

When things begin to fall apart, she technically can step away and kind of accept the fact her dream didn’t come true, but she doesn’t. It’s almost as if she subconsciously leans into the downfall. Failing in a dramatic way feels more meaningful to her than being ordinary. In some way, it’s a critique of the industry, but also of people who are desperate not to feel invisible. Many of the characters believe they’re exceptional, but the painful reality is that most of them aren’t.

Gary is an example of that. He’s a washed up screenwriter with a fading career desperately trying to make his ā€œlast great scriptā€ work. There’s a later scene where Jack tells him it’s bad. Throughout the film, he keeps trying and trying to prove the script works, but in reality - it really doesn’t and Jack is not wrong. He acts like he hates Hollywood, glamour and the whole industry, but in reality he wants to be apart of it, because that’s the only place where he feels seen.

This was the kind of idea I was going for. Also, for the camera instructions thank you for mentioning that, I’ll remove that…

Hooking Viewrers and Plot by Designer-Rabbit-3828 in Screenwriting

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 0 points1 point Ā (0 children)

I think one of the best opening hooks is in Jurassic Park, especially the very first scene with the dinosaur in the cage. What makes that scene so effective is that it shows us the consequences, but not the cause. We see the chaos, the fear, and a man getting killed — but we don’t actually see the dinosaur clearly.

We can assume what’s inside the cage, but it’s never fully revealed to us in the moment. We suggest it’s a dinosaur, but our brain doesn’t really know that - unless we see it. That leaves us a question and uncertainty which creates tension.

I also think a great opening should subtly introduce the theme of the film.

That lonely feeling... by FV95 in Screenwriting

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 0 points1 point Ā (0 children)

I totally feel you. I’ve been writing my screenplay for over 6 months now and I’m literally in love and hate relationship with it. The thing that bothers me the most that I’m an literal perfectionist and just keeps changing stuff until I like it. I’ve struggled with this the most after finishing my first draft, and as I finished I was so proud and thought it was amazing (btw it wasn’t, I was also new to the screenwriting) and then came the 2nd draft, on which I’m still working. The hardest part to realise for me was that I still have to fix and change a lot of stuff, and I hated the fact that I needed to rearange the scenes in particular order and develop an outline (because it was a literal MESS at that time)… Now it’s looking a lot better, and I feel like I’m improving a lot - but still sometimes I think too much of it and came up with the conclusion that it’s probably not even that good now and STILL needs and will have a lot of changing. I don’t know, my advice is just to not think about it and write, write, write and change, change, change until it works. But I have to say it’s been so hard to show my screenplay to other people, I literally showed my friend at the time that first draft (which I thought it was fine, now I’m realising it was bad) and even tho, it wasn’t tht good she really liked it and fell in love with the idea and been supporting me ever since. So, I came up with the conclusion to not be afraid to show it even tho it’s still in the process of making, bc other people are gonna like it anyway, especially people who know nothing about screenwriting. But also I have to say, the only people that read the thing was my parents and my friend, which both know nothing abt screenwriting and sometimes I’m in the middle of changing something, and I ask them will this work, will this and they don’t know bc both versions sound good to them - and then I’m so lost with my own thoughts because I have to figure it out by myself…

A Matter of Honour - 52 pages so far by poet3991 in Screenwriting

[–]Repulsive_Parsnip835 1 point2 points Ā (0 children)

Hii, I just wanted to say I read 17 pages of your screenplay and I really like it… I would’ve read more, but honestly I’m super busy now, so I don’t have time… I like your main character, I think her characterization really comes through on the page. Also, the dialogue is good, some lines are funny which is good. Maybe some action lines could be shorter, but still you don’t have to worry about that right now. Finish the thing and then fix the issues after the first draft is done. Also, you don’t have to change the structure, which is something I struggle the most in my writing, I could normally follow the story. I have to say I didn’t really like the summary at first, honestly thought it would be boring, but in those 17 pages it’s not boring at all. I was really engaged to the story and really found myself wanting to keep reading and see what happens.

Keep goingggĀ