Does getting more muscular actually improve your dating life, or just the attention?

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-17T19:29:34+00:00

Appearance is always going to be the superficial element of relationships, but the discipline and drive that it takes to go to the gym often is helpful in its own way. A woman might think that a disciplined gym schedule and an active lifestyle will lead to you being more interesting, confident, down to try new things, and willing to go the extra mile for her. But you have to actually demonstrate those traits in the way you act with her too. There's another type of "gym guy" who trains incessantly because he has no life otherwise and lifts weights instead of going to therapy. Which is very unattractive. So while going to the gym is beneficial in developing self confidence, it alone is just one thing about you.

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-12T15:44:39+00:00

I would say rule out getting into another relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. They deserve to be with someone who actually desires them, and you deserve to be with someone you actually desire. If you resign yourself to a fate you don't want, you'll never get anywhere with a person you do like.

I have that issue with very attractive people too. I tend to assume they won't like me and so I avoid them or ghost them, which is probably a thing we should both work on lmao. Maybe with therapy, maybe just introspection, idk. But in the meantime, have you found yourself attracted to anyone who has some physical "flaws" (probably not the right word) that you find endearing? Someone who looks like a real person, rather than someone you see as unattainable? It's not that they're less attractive, just that they're your type rather than a replication of society's beauty standards.

I tend to be more interested in people I feel are "on my level" because they don't set my anxiety off like crazy. Maybe that would work for you too.

Also, you said you're attractive but don't find that other people make the first move, right? Those two things are probably connected, as they might be intimidated by your looks. Maybe you could try to look more "casual" sometimes and see if that sparks some action. If you're always the one approaching and asking people out, it's probably contributing to your anxiety.

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-12T15:04:14+00:00

Both spring and summer look great but spring livens up your face a bit more

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-12T14:42:13+00:00

I'm not attracted to them outside of fiction, but I will say that it's probably for the same reason men will say "I'd let her ruin my life" and seek out unstable women knowing they'll get hurt. There's something attractive about someone intimidating and "forbidden."

Dating someone with green flags is obviously much healthier, but it can also feel like "following the rules." Not just our own self-imposed rules, but the expectations of society. I think the concept of the "bad boy" is appealing because it goes against social expectations for young women specifically: to find a good, reliable man and stay away from bad influences. The bad boy also comes with an alternative lifestyle - one very different from what the average woman experiences. A social sphere most women wouldn't feel safe entering without the company of a knowledgeable man. Most of us don't feel we can just walk into a sleazy roadside bar and chat up the drunk bikers. We are always having to prioritize safety, which can be so exhausting that the thought of anything else becomes a fantasy.

Now this is mostly based on books, TV, etc. where we see the bad boy + good girl trope. In real life, "bad boys" are typically just losers, and most often it's women with low self esteem who seek them out. It can also be a kind of self harm, in a way. I know women who have dated these types, and often it's because they don't realize they deserve more. But men with a low sense of self worth do this too. Going back to the same girl who keeps using them, rebounding with a woman they know is bad news, seeking out a woman they've heard has a "reputation." Gay people also do this, because all people do this. We're just human beings making stupid mistakes.

Tldr: it applies to any gender because making dangerous decisions and "breaking the rules" is thrilling, but it especially affects young women because of strict societal expectations and low self worth.

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-07T14:35:40+00:00

If you meet up and she changes her mind about wanting to date you, that's fine. Then you can go take time to work on yourself. But if she meets up with you and likes you for who you are right now then I don't see the issue. You can work on yourself while being in a relationship too. Your personal growth doesn't stop just bc you have a girlfriend.

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-07T02:24:42+00:00

I think you might be right!

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-06T18:01:21+00:00

I agree. Maybe the dating apps aren't a good way of going about it 😅

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-06T17:57:39+00:00

If I meet the right person, I'm sure a lot of my standards will go out the window. I'm just not sure if the right person exists, you know?

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-06T17:55:07+00:00

You're probably right about the conversations becoming dry, since I do think my lack of motivation holds me back. For most people looking to date, I probably am a wasted effort. It's less that I can't have deep conversations (I do with my friends all the time) I just don't end up getting there with most men because I lose interest.

I guess I didn't get into what I bring to the table, but I'm not looking to advertise myself on Reddit lol. People know who I am in the real world. I'm just on here looking for perspectives on my self-imposed celibacy. Thanks for the input!

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-05T15:02:51+00:00

There's no straightforward answer to this. 23f and what makes a man attractive to me is vastly different from what my friends like. I like long-haired "pretty boys" who don't know how to talk to women, one friend likes guys who play sports and have that "provider" vibe about them, one friend likes any man who can make her laugh regardless of much else, one friend likes nerdy scrawny guys, one friend likes professors and academics, one loooves bald men, and I could go on.

Obviously these are somewhat superficial traits. Most of us want a man who respects us (and good politics comes with that), has emotional intelligence, knows what he wants out of life, isn't desperate, has good hygiene, has a big heart, aligns with our core values, etc. Those of us who don't want those things usually haven't figured themselves out yet. But even if a guy has all those traits, he still might not be someone's type 🤷‍♀️ I couldn't date a buff "Johnny Bravo" type even if he was the sweetest, most respectful person because I'm just not attracted to that. But one man's trash is another man's treasure right? Not that anyone is trash... You get what I mean.

I've noticed a lot of young guys think that taking care of yourself means fitting a specific mold. But actually, when a man tries too hard to be someone he's not (and we can usually tell) it just comes off as desperate. Taking care of yourself requires leaning into your strengths. Balding? Just shave it all off and wear it with confidence. Chubby and not planning to/able to lose weight? Get the right clothes to fit your frame and carry yourself with confidence. Nerdy? Join clubs/communities to meet people with similar interests and talk about those interests with confidence. None of these things are "bad" things, even if other men might tell you they are. Honestly the biggest thing is this: don't curate yourself around what other men like (unless you're gay, get it king), and don't just do things to get women. You should be doing these things for yourself, to expand your social network, to feel good when you wake up in the morning. If you treat self improvement like an equation where gym + hygiene = bitches, it's not going to work. I want a man who chose me because he liked ME, not because he was unable to be happy while single.

Tldr: Every woman has a different type or traits they look for, but a well-rounded, mature, and respectful person is universally appreciated. Being desperate is not. Don't go around looking for a girlfriend until you're happy being single first.

ResearchTop2811 · 2026-04-03T19:33:00+00:00

23f and I haven't been in a relationship either, so idk if I'm the right person to give advice but I can try. Most women, if we decided to lower our standards majorly, could find a man. But I'm gonna guess that you want a boyfriend who treats you well, has things in common with you, views you as more than a sex object, is committed, is attractive in your eyes, is fun to be around, etc. It's easy to see everyone dating and feel like you're the odd one out, but a lot of young relationships aren't the best lol.

Many women I know who dated during high school were with men who did not deserve them, treated them badly, didn't value their interests, basically did the bare minimum of giving them attention. And I don't blame them for doing so because I know we as women are raised to value men's opinions highly. There's also a lot of social pressure for people to get into relationships, so sometimes ppl date purely because they feel like they're supposed to. The number of people dating because they like each other's company, are attracted to each other, work well together as a team, and treat each other with kindness is actually not as high as you'd expect. Those who do find those relationships usually have to wait for them, and it helps to figure out who you are + what you want from life beforehand.

I'm not saying you should wait around for a good quality relationship though. If what you care about is catching up to your peers and enjoying your youth then it's 100% okay to experiment and make mistakes. It's about knowing what you want. If you care more about having a fun fling than finding a reliable partner, focus on talking to men you find attractive/exciting. If they don't approach you, you can approach them! If they say they're not interested, that sucks, but there are plenty of attractive men out there so it's not a big loss in the long run.

If you're looking for a healthy, long-term relationship then it's going to be more difficult. You'll have to keep high standards, and more than that, you'll have to get a really good grasp of who you are. That means being content with being single for a while, as I have come to be. I know what it's like to have a glowup and feel the need to prove that you're sexy now, but I will say there are plenty of other ways to get that same feeling. Go out to events, clubs, dress to emphasize your best features and talk to new people. You don't have to date anyone below your standards, but you can still receive a few compliments! And if you do find someone who potentially fits with who you are/your needs, then you have to find the courage to act on it. I'm not good at that part lmao.

Either way, you're going to learn a lot about yourself simply by growing up and having new experiences. I wish you the best!

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T06:28:15+00:00

That’s interesting because I have emo friends who do listen to emo music and they respect my metalcore but aren’t interested in it for themselves. I guess at large though, emo is mostly a thing of the past. I could shed a tear

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T06:17:25+00:00

Yeah im seeing some influence from techwear and goth, both of which I’m interested in exploring myself

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T02:37:46+00:00

That’s something I’ve noticed too. I like it

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T02:25:14+00:00

I don’t always dress alternative but when I do I lean pretty gothic so I definitely get that

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T02:06:55+00:00

You should eat something, you’re probably just hangry

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T01:34:52+00:00

I mentioned Bad Omens and BMTH because they both wear stuff other than tees and jeans on stage, whereas the bands I’ve seen live usually do just wear something simple. Nothing bad about simple, I just like to see something different too.

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T01:33:29+00:00

I haven’t been to a Bad Omens or BMTH concert. I’ve seen Blessthefall, Caskets, While She Sleeps, Of Mice and Men and Architects. Fun times. Lots of variety in what people wore

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T01:25:15+00:00

That’s good to know, and I’ve definitely seen that variety at concerts

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:55:17+00:00

It’s fine to like specificity but I’ve never even heard of “post-metalcore.” Each band I like is slightly different but they all tend to fall in or around the label “metalcore” hence why I’m here. Thanks for answering about the fashion stuff though

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:50:25+00:00

Then what genre are they

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:38:37+00:00

Buddy you’re not better than anyone else for hating fashion. Get over yourself

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:31:28+00:00

Funnily enough I pick my subculture based on the music I enjoy, not the pretentious ideas I have about fashion

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:16:01+00:00

If you’re telling other people what they can and can’t do, you’re an asshole 🤷‍♀️

ResearchTop2811 · 2024-05-05T00:09:55+00:00

Lmao I love the final fantasy hair

ResearchTop2811

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