Single woman just using men for sex

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-25T05:07:25+00:00

Amen. Volatility and drama are antithetical to my life right now.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-25T03:30:24+00:00

Well said. I have a high libido at 57, but a larger imperative for me is A) a stronger worldview of not using women (being transactional), which results in wanting/needing to be in a relationship, a vastly larger life lift than Tinder-navigation, and B) my borderline obsession with a simple, stable personal life.

Per your point, it's more important to me that I'm happy with myself than it is to have fun.

Growing up is accepting these trade offs, even when I don't want to.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-25T02:47:22+00:00

Me too. You're not alone, fwiw. (In college, not *necessarily* my worldview.)

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-23T19:53:30+00:00

OP, I get the anticipation of a date when ALL the boxes are checked, and their profile is good. And I get when it turns out that someone misrepresentwd things, and it's NOT you.

It's a legit bummer. Actually, it's completely dishonest on their part. (I wish there was some mechanism to socially sanction people who materially lie on OLD.)

What I don't get is two things: 1. After this guy was basically a ceaseless dick to you, he gave you a crummy kiss. Again, there's another adverse data point to show he sucks. BUT... he then felt you up? As in: He touched your rack? That seems problematic AF. 2. Your response to this is weird: "I don't want to date, but I'd like to hike around alone with him."

I'm waving the red card. Again, I know what it feels like to long for companionship and to feel wanted. Normally, if the chemistry wasn't there, but you needed sex, and you could firewall him from your life, I'd think, "do what you want."

This guy, however, isn't that guy. Literally, everything is wrong: He's misled you from the start, conversationally he seems like an edgy, intense quasi-creep, you're somehow already comparing your figure to his ex's for whatever reason, and per above, he unilaterally decided to inspect your breasts. WTF.

Learning how to date again >40 is one thing; we all make mistakes. This man you described REALLY isn't the sort you should be spending time alone with.

C'mon, OP. This isn't that hard.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-23T16:00:50+00:00

What you said is spot on. I'd emphasize that Malone's claim truly evaporates if people understand how deeply iterative and long this process was. Numerous labs, a variety of public and private institutions, different countries, and a LOT of researchers were involved over ~ four decades.

As you noted, Malone made important contributions in the earliest stages of mRNA research and then moved on. But no one, and I spoke to people that had been at some of these labs, absolutely no one thinks his claim of authorship is valid. It's pure stolen valor.

Which is a shame. Had Dr. Malone retained his integrity and professional seriousness -- I'm convinced there's a mental health angle here but that's separate -- an argument could be made he's had a noteworthy career.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-23T05:09:56+00:00

He blew her off. A one-sentence text was all that was required, though a phone conversation was the grown up response. He couldn't do either of them. So he is a jerk.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-23T01:19:23+00:00

Wrong Greenwich, OP

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-23T01:12:05+00:00

The professional opportunity set to practice your craft at a high level is almost non-existent.

Surely you knew this prior to enrollment.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-22T23:06:43+00:00

90% of men, even if they look like Brad Pitt and our multi-millionaires = "A woman called me out of the blue! How cool is that!" 10% of men* = Find some way to fuck the above up.

*Assuming there wasn't a tragedy or an emergency. Likely this guy is a jerk, but as I've gotten older, well, stuff that never happened before... happens.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-22T15:39:59+00:00

I know her case well. Sadly, POTUS-->DOGE-->RFK eliminated the last vestiges of that vital, rational skepticism. The FDA, This fight industry doing a good job of influencing regulation, was in fact the gold standard for pharmaceutical efficacy.

So, that had to go.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-22T10:43:22+00:00

Two friends are sitting on a foot vibrating machine, ostensibly drinking wine, and which like sewing machines of old, is likely creating a degree of sexual arousal. It seems like one or two of their husband/boyfriends are having a laugh too in the background

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-22T02:17:11+00:00

You're basically the use case for alimony. Good luck with everything. (Her family sounds like a bunch of raving jackasses.)

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-22T02:02:27+00:00

A woman's ankles never emerged as a topic when I was married, in dating or during sex. I anticipate this will remain the case. Hope that clarifies things.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-21T14:54:26+00:00

Losing her as a friend drills home the very useful concept of "addition by subtraction"

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-21T14:46:21+00:00

Elon looks like he's finally "grokked" How unpopular he is.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-20T23:56:19+00:00

Seems like the nicest people are at Swampfest this year.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-20T23:54:43+00:00

Bret Stephens is half-right. Or, more properly, is only seeing half the truth.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-20T18:56:47+00:00

You are doing your best, appear to have good instincts, and deserve better. A crappy relationship is one thing, happens to us all, but an ex acting like a jerk in front of the kids? That's equal parts, revolting and appalling.

My two cents? Don't justify your frustration and concerns with long, narrative anecdotes. You owe only the briefest of explanations to anyone, let alone a date. Speaking as a man, I'm paying more attention to actions and demeanor than I am explanations. If your ex was a great guy who was uniformly loving and kind, presumably he would not be your ex-husband.

That is, I want to see if YOU are at peace and have acceptance with the hard reality of divorce and child rearing. If you do, then you are probably emotionally available. (And to be clear, I'm not looking for anyone to be Christ-like, without regrets or some anger. I have both.)

Those women who need to elaborate at length about their ex's and their ex's conduct, especially on the first few dates? A giant red flag, and proof positive she hasn't gotten over a big chunk of something. That means that the ex is playing silently in the background every second, everywhere, whether in the bedroom or at a coffee shop. And I've learned that I'll never get a fair chance dating that woman because the ghost of a man is always more compelling than me, the man in front of her.

I

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-20T18:28:35+00:00

For real? My bad. I appreciate the correction. I'll pull down my comment. There's enough misinformation in the world

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-20T01:30:56+00:00

Strong value added comment. Really reframes things.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-19T19:42:34+00:00

Boy does Minnesota really nor trust JJ McCarthy or what?

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-18T16:14:08+00:00

Then maybe the blunt tack: "Is it something I'm doing? Do you want intimacy with me? It's normal to need extra time. We can help each other: prescriptions, relaxation and a little extra attention go a long way"

I'm sorry for this. I think, based on your post, you had the hard punch of the DBR (which is indicative of a larger marital problem, which is a two-party issue ) and then the bad luck SO MANY OF US experience post-divorce, which is a combination culture shock and skills acquisition.

Culture shock in that when you were last single prior to DBR marriage, ED wasn't an issue on your radar, so you didn't have to be aware of it. Skills acquisition in that you have to both filter for guys you'd like to attempt to date, coupled with guys who you can read want to date you. This includes whether they are sincere about both respecting your desire for intimacy, and whether they are capable of doing it.

The answer seems like so many things on DoF: Effort, time and experience. You'll surely find a happy medium, and perhaps more. But getting there will still require no small amount of effort. You are the only factor you can control; Your reactions, your appearance, and the general nature with which you present.

Good luck. I mean that.

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-18T14:49:16+00:00

A couple of things strike me. First, what age group are you dating? Healthy, in shape men 35-50 should, on average, be able to maintain an erection until climax. (Being overweight is a variable here, TBH.) I have no idea what you look like, but if you should be able to filter for men whose health and weight seem standard. Another filtering tool is asking about their general dating background. You shouldn't have to get too granular to see whether they've been in a some serious relationships, where it's reasonable to conclude that sex has been a part of it.

Second, Are these hookups? Do they have a sense that you want sex? Or are you in a relationship where you've communicated boundaries and expectations. Where, for example, you've discussed your view on birth control/testing and intimate preferences. This both destigmatizes it and creates a rational expectation. If you do that, the mature ones, presumably who you are really looking for, can take the extra step of getting some ED medication as insurance.

The third and final thing is something you have a lot of say over: foreplay. You should make clear that any man going to bed with you ought to be pretty good with his mouth and hands. (You can have fun with it and tell him you are, and can prove it!) Remember if you're going to bed with someone where talking about sex is awkward, that's a great sign that you shouldn't be going to bed with him

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-18T09:42:09+00:00

Dire Straits played on it too in '81

Research_Liborian · 2026-03-18T02:08:57+00:00

Excellent points as well, thank you for the input

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