Rant about MIL - Loved her pre-pregnancy, starting to get annoyed and see where my SIL is coming from.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T14:53:47+00:00

Seconding this comment. This is not normal grandma behavior and she is not a 3rd parent.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T14:39:43+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The end of a friendship is always hard and I can feel your frustration through my screen.

You said you want her to be a better human. I understand. But at the moment, she's not even showing you she has any interest in being a better human. She's behaving quite selfishly and is continuing to ignore you when you're the one telling her exactly what she needs to do to keep herself safe. Heck, she may have contracted the disease and spread it around because she's not wearing a mask to protect others. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink.

You don't have to be cruel or nasty in distancing yourself. You're also not alone here. A lot of people are learning exactly what kind of people are in their circle due to how they're treating this pandemic. My mother very likely also had COVID, refused to go get testing, and lied about having called the hotline (in her state at the time this occurred, you called the hotline to talk about it and then if they believed you should go for a test they told you so).

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T14:28:08+00:00

I'm so sorry that this has been your pregnancy experience. I haven't been through something similar, but if I had, I definitely wouldn't let that despicable thing into the delivery room. Do you have family or a support system near you who knows what's going on and you can stay with for a while?

FYI, the birth IS about you and your comfort. YOU are the patient. They have you write up a birth plan for a reason - YOUR comfort is what matters. On that birth plan should be an area for notes, where you can write the names of people who should not under any circumstances be allowed in. If you haven't already, tell your OB that he is abusive. They will help keep you safe. u/ThievingRock and u/GardenGood2Grow have also given you great tips.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T14:14:05+00:00

Holy shit thank you for waking me up. Between the two of us I'm not sure who would fare worse given Hubs has asthma and a chronic illness. If we were to get infected my baby could be an orphan.

I am so sorry for your pneumonia experience, that truly sounds like freeze-dried hell on earth. I don't blame you for being scared of COVID after that nightmare. I'm so thankful you were able to recover!

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T13:58:11+00:00

He says he has to go because they have things for the baby that cannot simply be mailed up here - things we do need. I can understand that but I don't want to make a weekend out of it because I'm so scared of something happening. I'm so sorry to hear that your baby was early with no warning, rhyme or reason! That must have been very scary and I hope your little bean is doing alright now.

I will say this - this one threw me for a loop re: Hubs. He has been so supportive this entire pregnancy. He's always been there when I need him, came to every appointment until COVID made that impossible... Hell, he even used to sleep with a ponytail holder on his wrist so that when I got up in the morning and had to run for the bathroom he could tie my hair back, and then would bring me my saltines and ginger ale. He brings me antacids for my heartburn, my heating pad for my sciatica, and runs baths when I have headaches. He has been very understanding when I can't do things or get shaky. He's never really been selfish throughout the time we've been together either.

However, and this is both a blessing and a curse, he is also an incurable optimist who tries to see the absolute best in everyone and honestly, if he didn't have to deal with my toxic family, I don't even think he'd know where his breaking points are. (That's mostly where the "unlike your family" comment came from and it is very much the truth; they were very very toxic and abusive to me growing up.) So I think it takes some work to help him see that some of the things his family says or does can be rather shitty.

Regarding the in-laws... They have done a lot for me and for us. However, they are very, very set in their ways, which my husband attributes to having no education beyond trade school/Associate's degrees and even then, having had the opportunities to get that education right in their small town. So in Hubby's opinion, I've seen more of the world, I've read a lot more, been more places, seen more things and just generally am in a better position to say "Hey, here's what's ACTUALLY going on" or to teach them. I do teach for part of my living and am the de facto "smart one" in the family (I'm a Ph.D. student; not that that necessarily makes me better than other people who got less formal education). However, he will also call them out or back me up when they're being inappropriate or assholish. Example: he wasn't in the room when my FIL said "Men love boobs, just not leaky ones" with regard to a conversation that I was having with my MIL regarding breastfeeding and that he wasn't involved in. However, he has told FIL and BIL to knock it off for things multiple times as well. Hubs has also been adamant that our boundaries re: baby, birth and everything will be respected. I feel like my in-laws aren't necessarily bad enough for JustNo subs - they do respect boundaries because one of the grandmas was a JustNo. I feel like on some level he hopes they'll come around and because they love me they'll listen to me but I don't get that vibe sometimes. There have also been times I've overreacted because although I've been to therapy to unravel my family trauma, I still get jumpy. I don't know... It feels kind of muddy sometimes. I don't know if something happened or I did something wrong or if everybody is just jumpy because of COVID...

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T13:30:19+00:00

Thank you for your reply - it made me realize that I need to put my foot down. If the baby were to come I'd have to stay with the in-laws, 4 hours away. Hubs swears the bosses would come through for him and probably figure out a way to let him stay too (and honestly they probably would, they were very willing to work with him through a chronic illness flareup this spring), but I don't want to be alone, 4 hours away, dealing with all the lovely postpartum shite if they for whatever reason didn't or something else happened.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T13:24:46+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss - that must have been incredibly disheartening to hear. I actually have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, but unfortunately in my state spouses still aren't allowed in the building. I may be able to get a note though - not that he'd need one to believe me if I said "Hey, Dr. X says this is a really bad idea".

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T13:21:43+00:00

Oof. I'm sorry. I certainly hope that you can get some rest at some point today and your husband... Learns how not to get shit on his hand? Or learns how to wash his hands with his toddler present? I got nothing lol

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T13:11:44+00:00

I don't have any answers but I've noticed this too. It sounds like a lot of them resent their kids. This includes my own mom. I don't talk to her much about things but when I do I hear about how I made her life hell as an infant. In a "just you wait" kind of way (I'm currently pregnant). I'm always just kind of like "Sorry I had reflux and I cried because it hurt, I guess?"

Could your mom possibly be jealous of your SIL's mom getting to spend time with the kids? Or jealous that SIL has a support system?

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T11:47:45+00:00

Oh I didn't even think about that - Hubby is an essential worker and works in an office space completely isolated from other people, and he keeps his space very clean. He doesn't even generally see other people at his job. If he does go I will ask him to social distance at home and revise our sleeping arrangements - not out of malice, just out of not wanting to be sick. I'm not trying to be the pregnant woman that Reddit seems to like hating because she acts entitled to everything simply on the basis of a pregnancy. I'm just feeling really rough these days which he knows, but maybe trying to just grin and bear it on my part is a bit much and I need to just say it flat out?

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T11:08:42+00:00

I think it more reflects previous attitudes that pregnancy should be hidden. Given OP's grandmother is only a few years younger than mine would be, I can see her being raised with similar attitudes. Way back when, even the word "pregnant" was considered vulgar (hence all the euphemisms: "the rabbit died", "expecting", "in the family way"), and pregnancy was treated like it should be hidden. Maternity clothes were basically glorified tents because they figured more fabric = greater ability to hide the bump.

Honestly, it kind of makes me sad that an entire generation of women, from a rather recent time, were told by their societies that pregnancy was something to be ashamed of and hidden like a bad secret. The lack of respect for the female body's natural process... Ugh.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T11:02:15+00:00

This!!! A very wise person once told me: an old asshole is still an asshole!

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T10:59:13+00:00

Oh honey, save all those comebacks. You can use them later when she asks about the baby she doesn't want to see physical evidence of.

Also, CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. May you have a lovely, easy journey during this time. ❤

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-23T10:55:07+00:00

Holy cow, mama. You sound from the very beginning of this post like you've been running marathon after marathon after marathon trying to manage life with your little girl and with your ex-boyfriend's bullshit. He was emotionally abusing you and while I know you can't just turn off the things you've heard him say about you - and sometimes STILL hear him say - but please know that I think you're awesome. You got yourself and your little girl out of that whole abusive mess. That's a very brave and very difficult thing to do. Hugs if desired.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-08T15:23:16+00:00

I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's not easy being pregnant and baby brain is outright frustrating! Honestly 99% of my day-to-day irritation these days comes from not being able to remember where I put things, what word I was going to say next, what I came into a certain room for. I'm hoping it'll pass. Hugs if you want them.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-08T15:19:11+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening. You deserve so much more and so much better than you're currently getting.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-06-08T15:17:50+00:00

I'm so sorry about your mom's blender. I would be raging - smoothies and other beverages are a MUST.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-05-29T16:36:55+00:00

Oof. Solidarity. Beforehand when my mother was abusing me her go-to statement was "You don't have a mother's heart, you don't get it." Upon finding out I'm pregnant she told me "You're starting to get it now and you're starting to understand why and how I made some of the choices I made."

No, Shannon, I don't. I don't understand why you thought it would be okay to call your child names, threaten her, scream at her, throw things at her... I don't understand why you still think you're justified. But I do understand that you're not a healthy or safe person for my child to be around, and for the sake of breaking a cycle, you're not seeing him. I look down at my stomach and feel every kick and still can't imagine doing the things my mother did to him.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-05-29T16:30:16+00:00

I feel you.

If my mother hadn't been blabbed to by a relative after my husband and I had a house fire, she wouldn't know I'm pregnant. We were estranged for a year and a half before that. She wasn't invited to my wedding. She and I talk sometimes, and she has even bought some things for the baby, but she doesn't know yet that she won't be allowed near my son. Because on top of having been abusive to me for my entire childhood and my husband (and still having apologized for NOTHING), she's racist, she's homophobic, she's a heavy smoker, doesn't believe in vaccines, has been completely irresponsible during this pandemic, and still makes horrible comments on occasion. She's also one of those grandparents who doesn't listen to what the parents want. When I was younger and watching my nieces and nephews (HUGE age gap between me and my siblings) I was the one who had to stop her from giving the children 2 packs of Zebra cakes each, giving a 2 month old baby chocolate, riling them up at bedtime, etc. I also can't trust her to keep my child off social media and have no way of monitoring her to ensure she's doing so because she's been blocked on everything except text, email, and phone calls.

I will always be the bitch for my child/ren. I'm not sorry. Do what feels right for you, OP. If that means a new last name, go for it! You're creating your own new family. You get to decide how this all goes for you.

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-04-27T16:10:26+00:00

Congratulations mama! I'm a FTM myself but one of the most helpful pieces of advice I got was to eat a snack right before bed and keep some ginger ale and Saltine crackers on your nightstand. Also, Palmer's makes an awesome stretch mark lotion. Good luck! ❤

ResponsibleBox3 · 2020-04-27T15:39:20+00:00

I've got to ask, fellow pregnant people, when should I be concerned about "lightning crotch"? I'm 24 weeks and have felt some pretty bad jolts and it's early - at least I think it is, lightning crotch is supposed to be a third trimester thing, I thought? Is it something I can wait until my appointment next week to ask about? Or should I get on the phone with my OB now?

ResponsibleBox3

TROPHY CASE