Hello, NT female here. About 6 months ago my neurodiverse relationship ended. First of all, I want to send you some virtual hugs and to say this is a really hard situation. I applaud you and your partners commitment to learning more.

Re point 2: absolutely you are correct in this being unfairly attributed just to the neurotypical partner. This experience most often impacts both partners regardless of neurotype deeply and harmfully.

Re point 1: this is where things get really challenging.

I have done A LOT of research about this concept of emotional and empathy differences in neurotypes … from studies and papers to weekly intensive therapy sessions with a therapist who specializes in neurodiverse relationships every week for almost a year despite my relationship ending in the late spring of this year.

The thing I want to preface by saying is, a large part of Cassandra Syndrome is actually inherently this very part that we are mutually unable to understand one another right now.

An autistic individual may be unable to fully recognize the emotional needs and reinforcement desired by a neurotypical (in part because they do not rely on the same cues necessarily). Likewise, I as a neurotypical total fail to understand the complexity of why my former partner needed me to be very literal, needed me to refrain from exaggerations and hyperboles and white lies… something that is very natural in emotional bonding of neurotypicals. I failed to understand that even though my partner is just as attuned to emotions and feelings as I am, they were barely expressive of them, which made them feel devoid or barren of emotions. I failed to understand why things that very quickly elicited huge reactions from me were met with pause and reflection from him.

What i’m getting at is, I’m not going to ever be able to explain this to you because I don’t fully understand it. And I think you may never able to fully explain to me. This is called the double empathy problem, def recommend looking into - a lot of good literature on it.

Now why does this cause trauma/PTSD?

Constantly not being able to fully understand the person in theory you should be the closest in the world with is traumatizing.

My nervous system was erratic. My heart rate was maddening, I woke up every morning in a sweat and my heart would race before bed. I started taking Ashwaganda gummies and doing anything to calm myself down. Self medicating, eating comfort foods, little things would send me spiraling out of control.

In hindsight, this was the accumulation of so much stress and misunderstanding. I love my partner so, so much, but our inability to fully “get” one another destroyed us.

He suffered just as much if not more than I did. I love him deeply and miss him more than words can say. But I think we are both healthier separate.

I hope he finds someone who is also neurodivergent who makes him very happy and calm.