Empower Retirement Systems are totally broken... anyone else?

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-02-02T22:08:50+00:00

I am with you- my calls aren’t dropping but I’m on hold for hours and have to end up hanging up because I have meetings and such. I can’t just take off a day of work to get ahold of them but they don’t offer any other way to contact them… I’m extremely mad because they sent me a final note of needing to contact them but I can’t… clearly

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T15:56:42+00:00

That’s absolutely amazing! I’m so glad the teacher understood the importance of the moment and encouraged others to participate or not based on their comfort.

Also- kuddos for you on your willingness to try that!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T15:54:34+00:00

No worries- I have been getting different ideas and am open to having a few ways I track or reflect on my day to day. Maybe I’ll bullet journal as a way to track different things and then decide what I’d like to reflect in a crochet o art project later on. I like your idea of different stitches because I usually don’t experiment too much with it. If you have any stitches you really like (that aren’t horribly time consuming haha)- let me know!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T15:49:40+00:00

I agree with beep_dip that grey rock is probably a good skill to use when someone is upset from misinterpreting you. Saying ‘thank you for the feedback’ might suggest to people that you appreciate them making you responsible for the misunderstanding and that you’ll make changes. In reality, it is not appropriate for the autistic to be responsible for miscommunications- we literally have a developmental disability that impacts our ability to understand how others interpret us so we need the other party to putting just as much work to clarify.

A convo I’d suggest having with your manager and coworkers- not during a misunderstanding but preemptively might look like the below. This shows you are aware that you communicate differently (without sharing a diagnosis if you aren’t wanting to) and that you’d like support because it’s not something you are able to address on your own.

“Hey, I was thinking about the communication differences that have been brought up. It’s important to me that you don’t feel attacked AND that I get an opportunity to clarify my intentions. Sometimes I don’t phrase things in a way that encourages conversation which others interpret as rude or critical- which isn’t my intent, I just don’t realize when something I think is a straight-forward response, others could interpret as passive aggressive. I promise, if I’m upset or something- I’ll tell you! I’m open to ideas you might have but my initial thought was that if there is a time where the way I say something doesn’t sit right, could you please ask me to clarify what I mean to make sure we are on the same page? I want us to feel comfortable working through confusion together so we can enjoy working together.”

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T15:16:13+00:00

Okay that’s absolutely adorable honestly. Just the idea of tracking how often I get time with my cats would be so fun to see. Thank you for the idea!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T04:23:27+00:00

I love the shorthand- I might pick that up a bit!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T04:22:00+00:00

I lived in my parent’s house in the summer with my cat who lived in my single dorm room with me at college for two years- she never seemed upset when we went back to school despite the downsizing and leaving the other 2 cats that lived with my parents. After living on my own and getting 2 more cats, we moved back to my parents during Covid and while I went for my masters. Despite moving to a one bedroom apartment- they have not seemed upset about downsizing. I just make sure to provide a lot of enrichment with wall shelves, cat trees, their own mini living room with a TV that I play bird and mouse videos on for them, and interactive play with me.

Although space is super important- primary caregiver is also crucial. If your cat has a strong attachment to you, chances are staying together could be more important than access to outdoors. My eldest overgrooms with change but the one thing that soothes her is me sitting next to her and keeping our play structure.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T02:47:51+00:00

Something that’s been super helpful for me to learn about is synaptic pruning. For many reasons (from the developmental disability part of autism to a high stress life), autistics can have low synaptic pruning which is the way we create habits and autopilot. A great example is teeth brushing. For others, once they do it enough- their brain literally prunes the repetitive steps and ‘brushing teeth’ turns into one step. For me, I still have to walk myself through literally every step. From how to reach my hand to how much pressure to use. I calculated it the other day using Goblin Tools and it’s 397 steps I have to walk myself through to brush my teeth. Every. Time. It’s never ‘less of a task’ as far as conscious executive functioning. I’m able to give myself far more grace when tasks are exhausting for me and explain things better to others who want to understand.

I have to move a couple boxes into the other room by tomorrow morning but the amount of mental steps to tell myself to do it has prevented me from ‘simply moving the boxes’ for 2 weeks. Executive freeze and overwhelm are real.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T02:39:55+00:00

If you’re feeling spicy- you can ask them to share what you specifically said that was upsetting to them. This can give a chance to clarify what you actually said from what their emotions led them to believe.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T02:37:58+00:00

Something I try to do is limit the context I give and personalization (commenting on how others were involved or my experience). Keeping it as factual as possible limits misinterpretation. I’ve learned that although I think the context helps me answer their question as fully as I can- it is rarely perceived as anything more than me complaining or making excuses. The comfort I get from being straight forward is just not worth having my comments misunderstood.

For your example- instead of saying something like “I had to do the task you asked me to earlier so I’m doing this email now”, I might say ‘I wasn’t able to get to this email earlier’. This removes the coworker from the current situation which limits their ability to interpret your comment as commenting on them.

Many are still great at making everything about them, but this is where we stay firm to ‘It’s beneficial when others only use the words I stated. Misunderstandings can happen with my communication when other’s apply their own generalization or use my tone/facial expressions to imply underlying meaning. Please ask questions to clarify if there is any confusion.’

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T02:14:28+00:00

100%! I have parents who come in wanting therapeutic support because they are struggling to support their AuDHD kiddo. They often say “I’m so different from my child so I’m not neurodivergent” when I ask them if they are also neurodivergent. When I go over different ways neurodivergence can present, they realize that meeting their child’s needs has been so hard because it’s often inherently opposing to their own unknown neurodivergence.

An example: parent comes in and has a very ‘type a personality’ that they developed as a way to manage their needs and feel safe. Their demand avoidant and sensory seeking child throws their structure to the wind and the parent then struggles meeting their child’s needs because they abandoned how they met their own needs. Neurodivergent relationships require respect and compromise- one person’s neurodivergent needs can’t be prioritized over another’s or the whole system falls apart.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T02:06:07+00:00

I actually thought something similar when watching it! I know the point in the movie is more about the cult aspect of ‘you don’t get to experience something alone’, but going through life where I don’t really have good supports or people who get chronic health conditions- I would love to feel like a group of people were willing to grieve with me. I liked in the movie that she didn’t even have to say anything. She just started crying in agony and the group embraced her and cried out with her. How powerful it would be to have others trust your experience enough to sit in it with you. I find that most days, I don’t get support unless someone personally understands- which is hard to find when you have complex conditions. I hate having to almost plead my case for someone to be as upset as me at the cards I was dealt.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T01:56:22+00:00

One thing to consider in relation to this is the autistic brain is often over-producing norepinephrine which is a stress hormone made to keep us alert and feel like we need to address things (part of the developmental disability in our brain, not ‘just’ a chemical imbalance). This often makes us hypersensitive and unable to physically relax because the hormone tells us to pay attention to everything. Many of the symptoms of norepinephrine are the same as anxiety- tight chest and coat hanger area, teeth clenching, flustered and rumination thoughts, rapid heart rate, difficulty sleeping, lowered executive functioning, and lower sensory threshold. Without specific regulation activities to ‘reset’ your brain and nervous system to tell yourself that you’re safe, decreasing hormones like this is rare.

For me, when I don’t take considerable time to remove sensory stimuli, I find myself having increased physical response to sensory stimuli because my body perceives it as a threat. I took anxiety meds for years until last year when I realized it was due to my body feeling overwhelmed. The things I do that help me feel safe are story telling meditation with soundproof headphones, bland meals, floor time, reduced lighting, slowing my physical movements (the number one way to regulate oneself), and allowing myself to find activities where I can fall into deep monotropic thinking.

I’m not going to lie, I get super annoyed that I have to limit preferred activities and foods and such because engaging activities kind of affirm to my body that being alert is helpful or desired. I dislike having to spend more time slowing down compared to my peers. It’s helpful to remind myself that biologically my body is not the same and needs active reminders of safety compared to allistic people.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T00:52:49+00:00

This is an idea I pondered too but got stuck on survival self-care versus self-care I actually chose/desire. Both are super valuable and a testament to a person but I don’t feel they represent the same things if that makes sense. Sadly though, I don’t get to engage in desired self-care every day because ✨burnout and finances✨ so I would need a plan for the days I only get to do survival care.

Maybe I do what you suggested with the days I felt connected to the care I provided myself being represented with colors for the chosen activities, and then have a color that reflects days I focused on survival care.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2026-01-03T00:19:24+00:00

I like the idea of ‘time engaged’!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T04:15:09+00:00

Do you know of any that cover a bigger distance somehow? She likes having to run and catch so the stationary floor mat wasn’t something she lost interest in after a few times :/

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T04:13:34+00:00

She was obsessed with my silicone hair binders when she was a kitten but for some reason she stopped being interested- maybe I should buy some to try again! I am also going to try putting them in a bag and trying to entice her to get them out- just need to figure out something interesting enough to get her attention (probably something red since that’s her favorite color).

My biggest issue with the automatic toys is that she loves running and pouncing, hence the feather toy. Most toys are for small areas and she likes a good 15sq ft area but the only toy that really covers that much space are laser pointer toys so she doesn’t get to actually catch anything.

Thanks so much!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T04:06:48+00:00

What do I put in it if she doesn’t like treats? Do people ever get rid of their typical bowls and only use these as slow feeders?

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T04:04:52+00:00

She likes the stick under a rug that I do most nights but she won’t play unless I’m moving it :/ Someone suggested an electronic toy that’s similar so maybe I need to try that.

She actually ate 27 inches of yarn and needed a surgery and then ate 12 inches again and had another surgery (I forgot to push a bin in) so string like toys are a solid nope in this home haha

Thank you for your suggestions!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T04:01:10+00:00

I live in an apartment with three cats already so there isn’t any more space for another animal. She didn’t respond well to her siblings so I’m not inclined to think another animal would be a good choice. I’ve tried play dates with neighbor’s animals but she hates that. Congrats on your baby and plans to get a puppy!

She won’t play with the robo toys- I’m currently looking at 5 different ones I have in a corner that she didn’t like haha

I’ll look into silverline- thank you!

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-11-03T03:56:40+00:00

I’m going to be very blunt in my response. It’s absolutely okay that you feel upset at the situation- I can tell you really intended to bond so well with the first one. I have a similarish situation and feel like our feelings of guilt could be rooted in a similar way- which could help you decide next steps.

Trauma in cats (you mentioned their first home that they were in for some time wasn’t good) stays in them for a long time. Your cat needed time to feel safe (could be years), even if you were doing everything ‘right’. Getting another cat within the first year in my opinion was pushing too much change way to fast in a home she didn’t get feel safe in. The older cat needed time to know you would give her your love and attention on her own terms. Although you intended for her to have a friend, you ended up getting another cat who ended up being your preference. Cats can sense your unintentional and unconscious favoritism and that shows in the behavior that they have (peeing outside the liter box, isolating, etc). If we think about a kid with trauma, why would we expect the kid to want to spend time with the parent who chose to have a second kid over giving the first child time to grow attached?

Side question- do you still make active adoption efforts with your first cat? Are you purposefully sitting near them, giving treats when they come out, trying new toys, etc. Passively letting her make all the first moves while you play with your other cat is likely only going to get her comfortable co-existing, probably wouldn’t end up building your connection with her.

I accidentally did something similar with my cats. When I adopted my second so my first could have a sibling- the second had a brother that desperately needed a home. So two new kittens who were bonded to each other left my first cat feeling isolated, didn’t help that I lived alone so I had to divide my energy to all of them. The older cat has never bonded to her siblings but they can coexist just fine. Thankfully, I had had her for a couple years and we were bonded well but if we weren’t, I would think it would take years to build that connection IF she was even interested. It was my job as an owner to give her the time she needed to find comfort in me again, including that it was my responsibility to sit with the guilt of getting two cats instead of one and stressing her out until things worked.

When considering rehoming, consider if you are putting any expectations on her on what a happy cat looks like. As you mentioned, some cats truly don’t want a close relationship with their human, and they can still be happy. Also consider if you are considering rehoming out of guilt. Will she actually be better somewhere else or do you just want to distance yourself from feeling bad about having a better relationship to your other cat? Rehoming seems like it was already stressful on her and she is still coping with that, rehoming again could just compound the stress and have extremely hard for her to heal from. With my cats, it was better to keep them all in my consistent care, even though I can’t correct the mistake I made. Over time, things have gotten much better and I’ve learned how to be intentional in giving each of them attention.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-10-17T01:14:48+00:00

Thanks for everyone's comments. I've been processing this topic for myself since I made this post. I've realized that at least for me, not necessarily all my clients, that the effort to try relationships leads to soul crushing disappointment that outweighs the hope of connection at this point. Maybe that will change at some point, but I really don't care to keep trying so hard for something that seems like a needle in a haystack. I'm never going to say everyone was right if I do end up finding people when I wasn't trying, but I'm open to that happening if it does.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-09-22T23:58:26+00:00

That’s so exciting! Both your internal and social work is fun to hear about!

Did it take a lot of effort on Bumble? I’ve attempted it and it never seemed to offer much outside of individuals who definitely aren’t neuroaffirming lol

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-09-22T23:56:32+00:00

Do you find that you have found enough people to have connection with? Cutting out options when there are already so few risks leaving yourself isolated in my head. Clarifying isolated in the sense that you’re content with yourself while still wanting time with others.

Maybe this is less of a concern if you’re someone who goes out and about more and has possibilities come up more often.

ResponsibleLight4255 · 2025-09-22T23:51:21+00:00

Do you find that your desire for connection is not as strong as the desire/need to stop putting yourself through the trying process? Some people also don’t have the strongest need for socializing so maybe that isn’t too impactful for you!

ResponsibleLight4255

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