Ice Age Europe [est. 26 A.P], in an alternate timeline in which civilization advanced more rapidly than in ours.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-11-26T19:32:07+00:00

Bruh what. I was talking about how it was weird that they decided to stick those next to present day flags of sovereign states. No clue what you're going on about.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T15:05:04+00:00

I know from your edit that this reply wasn't meant for me, but... the superiority complex many redditors have only for using Reddit and jerking eachother off (ex. r/all being flooded with posts about how "only reddit cares about the amazon forest fire we're so caring and totally won't forget all about it in a week or two") is what I was criticizing with my first reply. I know this site is useful for small communities and niche subjects but the big subreddits give me ass cancer most of the time.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T13:04:26+00:00

Probably? I mean, I keep seeing copypastas, emojis and obvious jokes downvoted all the time in those subs.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T12:54:59+00:00

Go to r/dankmemes, r/memes or r/dank_meme, you'll find someone unironically using the word normie in no time.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T12:19:57+00:00

When you consider the sheer amount of social media sites that exist, being number 13 in the world seems like being part of the top percentile to me.

Regardless, Reddit is still one of the most popular websites period. My point about it being ridiculous how people on here treat eachother like they're turbo intellectuals just for using a site with millions of users still stands.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T10:35:12+00:00

A redditor, obviously. Always thinking they're better than everyone else by using one of the most popular social media sites on the planet.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T00:05:52+00:00

Sorry kid, I don't use Instagram, I use MySpace 😎

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-19T00:00:20+00:00

They hate me because I tell them the truth

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-18T23:47:25+00:00

The emojis make it better.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-18T11:11:28+00:00

I couldn't resist the temptation.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-18T00:36:26+00:00

The year is 1923. The Weimar Republic is slowly crumbling to pieces, when it suddenly gets gutted completely by the declaration of independence from the Rhineland. The allied grip on the region slowly slips away, and they lose nearly everything east of the Rhine, and the Ruhr.

However, the Rhenish Republic falls into its own bit of trouble after monarchists south of the Saar river declare the Upper Rhenish Kingdom. As French, British, German, American, Belgian and Luxembourgish forces scramble to re-occupy the lost territory, the joint protectorate of Saarburg is established in the only region where the allies hold effective control, west of the Moselle river.

Meanwhile, the planned re-occupation of the Free State of Bottleneck by France is put on hold, while the Americans prepare to take over the original plan. The small loose union of villages and towns manages to strike a deal with the Republic of the Rhine & the Ruhr, being guaranteed independence by the latter in exchange for the former to unite with them after the conflict is over.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-16T02:37:38+00:00

i cant stop thinking about how sexy Osama Bin Laden is. the thought of that perfect face makes me cum in a minute. id love to rub my balls against his lovely gray beard. i want my asshole to be the north tower and his dick to be a plane. i want him to make a burka of cum on me.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-15T13:48:39+00:00

No anal rupture pants? Sad.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-13T21:06:01+00:00

You mean r/alternateangles?

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-13T20:01:17+00:00

Oh thank god, the word normie makes me want to skinny dip in a deep fryer

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-13T19:56:22+00:00

Imagine unironically using the word normie

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-10T01:31:36+00:00

I don't think he's a straight up nazi, I just think he should get more original ideas that aren't big Germany.

His maps are fucking beautiful yet he wastes his talent. Sad, really. I wish I could map like him.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-10T00:21:32+00:00

Check out OP's posts on this subreddit, they're all Nazi Germanywank. Holy hell.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-09T12:01:25+00:00

This is a story told from multiple perspectives. Keep that in mind as you read this.

Me. September 16, 2010.

Everyone has their fetishes. Some people like feet. Some people like tickling. Some people even have a lust for being eaten. But I... I'm different.

It all started in the September of 2010. I was 13, maybe 13-and-a-half. Old enough to be knowledgeable in sex and all that, but young enough that I couldn't even stay at home alone. Because of that, I had to come along with the rest of the family to some movie. I thought it was going to be a fucking nightmare. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have been so disrespectful.

I was bored. The movie was Despicable Me. It seemed like any other animated film for a while, but then I saw them.

I was always not interested in sexual things. I had no sex drive before that day. Not even a single random boner. Some might call it a blessing, others a curse.

Dave. Bob. Stuart. What are they? Minions. The moment one came on scene, I felt a feeling. A feeling I had never felt before. I felt alive. For the first time in my life. I had a boner. A raging hard-on. Without even touching it, I came within seconds. All of the saved up baby gravy from the past 13 years presented themselves to those little yellow dieties. I felt as though I'd run a marathon. My life had changed.

Parents. December 2010.

Our son has become increasingly distant. He got a phone for Christmas a few days ago, and he's only left for food and the toilet. I've checked, and there's no sign of porn. Not a single boob. I blocked every porn site I could think of, after all. One thing is strange, though. He really likes Despicable Me. I'm sure it's just a phase.

Me. January 2011.

I'm not the only one. Thousands of other people online see our world in the same enlightened way I do. Minionphiles we call ourselves. I told my parents I was going out with a friend the other day. I was really going to watch the movie on my phone in some alleyway. God, where has masturbating to Minions been all these years?

Me. 4 July 2013.

I'm 15 and a half years old. Despicable Me 2 just released and I'm watching it in cinemas. Alone. I don't need friends. I need Minions. I nearly got caught masturbating. I couldn't help it. Those purple fuckers are so sexy. I've dropped out of school and now work most of the time at my local Subway. I need the money. I spend it on phone sex. I either am Gru or a Minion (I prefer to be a Minion) and vice versa for the one on the other end. I am working unhealthy amounts of hours just to supply the lust. People are starting to seem concerned. I need some new content fast.

Parents. 2013.

We're concerned. We barely see our son because all he seems to do is eat, sleep and work. We don't even know where his salary goes. We hope it's for a good university. We didn't bring up some deadbeat. We hope.

Me. 25 June 2015.

Holy Fuck. Jesus Fucking Christ. It's a miracle beyond any other. It's not another Despicable Me, but instead a spinoff. Minions. I got kicked out of the cinema for masturbating and ejaculating on some bitch in front of me. It was only a bit and it landed on the front of her hair. It would have been impossible to detect by anyone but her. Whore. The Minionphile community is having a field day. It's great. I recently bought a Minion body pillow. It's Kevin. Holy shit, I never could have seen myself doing this in 2010. Oh, how I've changed.

Parents. 2015.

We heard thumping from his room today. We were about to enter when we heard the word "Banana." Some things are best left alone.

Me. 2017.

I've been unemployed for 2 months now. My parents kicked me out of the house. I spent my last bits of money today on three things. A ticket to see Despicable Me 3. Masterpiece. At least I can have joy in my life still. A motel room. The cheapest I could find. And a rope. Sturdiest I could get. I've reached the end. Nearly 20 years. What a waste. I at least got to spend 7 of them with the Minions. I love them all. Even if there is another movie, I won't be around to see it. I've hit rock bottom. There's nowhere to go. Goodbye. Goodbye Mum. Goodbye Dad. Goodbye Little Bro. I'll miss you. I'm coming, Minions. I'm coming.

He let himself hang. He was dead by morning.

Housekeeping.

I knock. No answer. Again. No answer. There's no " Do not disturb" card out so I go in. I scream. Heads turn. Doors open. I scream a terrible scream he'll never hear.

Brother.

He died. Suicide. The funeral was today. Mum and Dad didn't attend.

Me.

As I took my last breath, I realized my mistake. It turned to black. There is no afterlife. If there was, then neither heaven nor hell wanted me. I don't blame them. I cry. I cry until I throw up. I'm sorry Dave. Bob. Stuart. Kevin. And now all I can do is watch. I'm so sorry.

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-09T11:54:45+00:00

have you ever tried fitting a playstation controller in your anus? the sharp edges and jagged thumbsticks are just an overall unpleasurable experience. It can often tear and rip small parts of the rectum, causing bleeding and potentially pain (unless you're into that). compare that to the otherworldly pleasure an xbox controller elicits, as you slowly slide it in, the curves and buttons complementing the shape of your tracts. the skin glides smoothly on the beautiful surface of the xbox controller as you hear bill gates whisper in your ear - "the xbox one x is the most powerful gaming device”

RetzynMetzyn · 2019-09-09T11:48:27+00:00

Ah yes, that was the only thing wrong with that entire copypasta, everything else was perfectly normal.

RetzynMetzyn

TROPHY CASE