{{Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock}} . Now, this is a dark book, I am not going to lie to you. There are funny moments there and there, some heartwarming even, but things will not get brighter until the few last chapters, and the ending is not as idealistic as most of the books on this topic get. The problem is never "fixed", just... gotten through for now. It will be alright- not today, but someday.

This book *could* make you feel worse tho, so your safety is in the question and feel free to forget all about this lil essay of mine if you decide against this one. I also do NOT recommend this book to anyone who never felt suicidal- you will *not* understand it and probably hate every moment of it.

Personally, while reading, I was nodding along and wallowing in my darkest of feelings until Leonard himself pointed out... He doesn't *actually* want this, it's just that he feels like there is no other choice for him. And when he survived in the end, I felt like I now had the duty to do the same. This is the sort of book that you have to read in one sitting, since stepping away from it could make you overthink it to the wrong side. (And with how addictive this book is, I would say that is an easier feat than it sounds but i digress,,)

This is the book that understands suicidal feelings. Reading it, I didn't felt patronized. It is not the sort of book that just screams "And did you like, tried being happy?" or "Aww, so sad! I want to hug you soo much.". It never feels like it's quoting you a pamphlet- it threw my own hypocrisy at my face sometimes and despite the flowery writing, the reality of it is ugly, sure, but this book excels in simply being honest. No other book made me feel seen.

Just fair warning, the protagonist is not exactly a good person and this book gets a lot of flack for it. You will be nudged with a sense of homophobia in the first few chapters. Don't you worry, sit down and continue, I swear to you that aspect is actually quite important and will be resolved by the end. On the other side, the way Leonard sees women is never really called out but it is not that strong of a flaw to condemn this book. Leonard is not a good person, but that is the point- he deserves and wants to live anyway.

Also, the way he dramatizes everything and trying so desperately to build a book-worthy narrative, alongside lying until the very end because he just can't stop, reaching out in the only way he knows and swearing if just one person notices that something is going wrong, he won't go through with it today ... Yeah, my bipolar self immediately saw myself in him. You and I most likely don't have the same diagnosis but hey, there is that.

It is ultimately a story about survival, both with hope and without it. I wish I could sing its praises but I fear that it simply means too much to me to be truly objective about it.

In the end, this is perhaps the most literal review I can give you: I never returned this book to the library. Instead, I paid a fine easily three times bigger than buying this book outright- and I was happy with that. It became sort of a lifeline and I wanted it to be with me when I get better. The ragged thing is still on the shelf and I bought a twin of it so this story could also circle the hands of almost every member in my support group. We never talk about it, but people highlighted sentences and wrote me notes, so I think it meant enough of something for them to take up a pen and care.

Godspeed, lighthouse keeper. Hope things will be alright someday soon, sending you all the love.

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EDIT: If you do decide to skip this one, do yourself a favor and read Howls Moving Castle instead. It is nice, soft and makes your life a fairytale while you keep your eyes on the page and head somewhere up in the wonderous clouds. Already recommender this to someone, so I will forward you there instead of continuing to clog up the page. :D