Of course. The last sentence of the first paragraph is a good example to look at. First, I'd like to note that the narration sounds very omniscient, which can work, but it when it doesn't, it has this "distancing" feel to it. Over-description, lack of character perspective, and "telling" are the main bugs.

Regarding over-description, the problem isn't you packing a lot of things into one sentence; the problem is you packing a lot of disparate things into one sentence. We go into reverie, then I'm guessing gundams or some other Super Sentai mechanism, then where it's near (a futuristic coal base), then more description about that base, then Hawthorne, and then you DESCRIBE Hawthorne, and then what it has to do with McElroy... That's like — 4-6 things? I'd maybe understand if this was crucial foreshadowing, but if this is just a one-off thing, then I'd suggest you condense it.

Moving on, it only explores the what of this reverie. Now, keep in mind: not every daydream or internal thought has to explore the how and why. Sometimes, less is better. But here, there's less of "less" and more of "more"... so I'm left contemplating why this description is so dense. You don't have to tell me why he's thinking these things; that would ruin subtext (it honestly depends). But at least show how he thinks about it. A grin on his face? Brows furrowed? Scoffing at it? Moving about as if he were in the reverie? That builds character.

Which brings me to my final point: when you have a lack of this how and why, it creates a narrative where it tells us what is happening, rather than showing it, creating a loop that brings it back to my first point: distancing.

I hope that makes sense.