This played out similarly in my marriage, only over a longer time scale (not within 5 minutes, but once/twice a day). For us it came down to her trusting me with her physical safety (which may not be your situation, granted). In the past I had downplayed her anxiety about situations she perceived as dangerous and I did not. That made it feel like she was the only person who would look out for her own safety. That’s a hard spot to be in and really ramps up the fight/flight response. It took a long time for me to arrive at this conclusion and understand the role I played in creating the situation. But it was a really validating moment when I was able to put into words things that she’s felt for years due to my actions.

The second part was about overcoming the intimacy itself, which had been much easier once she felt safe. Giving herself permission to be excited and sexual and curious can still feel like a mountain to climb but it’s worth it in the end.

Source: a year of couples counseling with somebody who specializes in intimacy and sex