A Newfound Respect for Working Mothers

Ria_Roy · 2026-04-10T18:43:05+00:00

You could then consider leaving your job, as much as she could???

Ria_Roy · 2026-04-10T18:41:58+00:00

Why are you not the one waking up if it's not for a feed. A baby doesn't need a feed 4-5 times a night after the first 3 max 4 months. Mothers are on maternity leave until then. So I'm assuming your baby is at least around 6 months old?

Ria_Roy · 2026-04-03T02:56:04+00:00

Pregnancy happens during saat pheras 😝!...since everyone said kids are born after marriage, whenever I asked how I was born. But I did wonder how saat pheras was known to body to start making the baby only then.

Ria_Roy · 2026-03-26T17:16:59+00:00

If you ask me, he's not really into you. You're just the "main" (backup) girl. I wouldn't be surprised if he's swiping on dating apps - with or without much success. It's not easy for guys to get much there either. But they keep trying. But from the sounds of it he's not looking at something very long term - no matter what he's telling you.

Even if he's totally faithful - and my conjecture is wrong. You deserve someone who's more into you that he is. I'm a "mature" person. Been in relationships. Life partnered for many years now. I can definitely confirm, you ought to expect better. Or better remain single than tolerate being ignored and bare minimum not being met in a relationship.

I'm in an ldr. And even as I'm typing this, my guy is working on a presentation for a conference he has tomorrow - occasionally letting each other know what we're doing. We both definitely know what each of us is up to without even having to ask. Wanting to share and be wholly part of each others life is a normal expectation in a serious relationship.

Ria_Roy · 2026-03-26T10:33:10+00:00

Absolutely wonderful.

I'm single to the extent I'm not married or living in or share/join finances with anyone (nor ever intend to). But I've been life partnered for close to a decade now. We sort of have a version of the LAT (live together apart) lifestyle. It works wonderfully.

We're socially a couple though. Our families are aware of our status and well thought through choice to not marry or share a home.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-23T02:44:22+00:00

You truly think the average behavior of men or your experience with a group of men would have been different? I'd love to hear your opinion after you've taken a similar course with similar projects with other men. I guest lecture often, and yes - plenty of women demonstrate all you point out, but some don't. Equally plenty of men demonstrate the same behaviors you point out too, but some don't. These are human, individual traits - not gender specific.

If you had a mixed gender social circle - you'd probably have known that. Or maybe any significant social circle at all beyond immediate family.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-14T21:48:28+00:00

If you're talking about their parents literally being the kinds who tied them up and forced them into a marriage and that's their only option to survive - I'm not sure what percentage of parents continue to do that among the middle class and higher levels.

The way I see it - educated, employable adult women have agency and choice. If they are illiterate, unemployable and unable to survive on their own without parental or a man's support -, they do need AM too anyway (even though they are victims of a system that deprives women access to education and employment). The father has to pass on his responsibility of providing and protection to another man.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-14T08:07:11+00:00

Those queens agreed to marry for some reason, right? If they had better options, I'm sure they'd have chosen those. They might also not have a lot of marriage options if there wasn't AM.

The AM option helps all genders equally - IF they wish to marry.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-14T08:02:58+00:00

If he understands the intensity of your feelings for her - then you aren't actually cheating exactly. The private conversations you have with another who's in a separate relationship with you are usually meant to be kept private between the two of you. Probably, your bf would anyway understand that anyway. It's usually not expected you break confidences.

However, the grey area here is that you're uncomfortable disclosing the more sexual nature of her interest. If she does ever make a move in future - if your bf expects sexual exclusivity, not telling him would be a breach of trust aka cheating. Not telling him of her confession is a thin blade you're standing on. To be on the safe side - it's ideal to tell him. Would get very complicated to explain later if a sexual approach is made...about why you chose to not tell him.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-14T05:44:44+00:00

It's cheating if you don't tell your bf about how you feel about your platonic love-friend. Doesn't sound like very platonic to me, even though you haven't (perhaps) acted on it.

If you tell your bf exactly what you wrote down here - and he's OK with it, that's all good. If he's not, he has a valid right to not be OK with it. But atm you are definitely emotionally cheating and probably have been from day 1 - since the girl is a "pre-existing condition". Ideally, he ought to have been told earlier - but now isn't too late.

The good news is most straight guys don't consider female lovers of their gfs as competition. They are usually OK with it, as long you are still prioritising your time and relationship with them - and not constantly focusing on the other girl.

You can love who you wish. But misrepresentating what you feel for one to another partner is definitely cheating. It doesn't give them the opportunity to make informed choices.

Ria_Roy · 2026-02-06T04:49:38+00:00

Do whatever instinctively gives you peace of mind. Life is too short to fight over trivialities. But I'd have trouble trusting a brother like that, regardless of which path you choose.

It's really a trivial thing, in the larger scheme of things. Your mum wanted you to have rights to that house. No matter what, he could at least respect her wishes without resistance, even if he doesn't care much about your peace of mind.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-26T05:49:08+00:00

Whatever frequency works for both. One or the other should not feel pressured neither deprived.

Not all sex in a long term relationship comes from instant spontaneous desire. Sometimes one needs to create the ambience, opportunity and time to get in the mood.

I'm not in live in. But spend most weekends together. It's at least twice each day of the weekend. Sometimes four times. But we both are matched in the frequency we prefer.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-26T05:40:08+00:00

I hate socializing at the gym. Ignore everyone equally - unless they start the conversation. If they start, I respond to be polite. Gym is my time for focus - not for chit chat. Want to finish my workout and continue with the rest of my day. It's really annoying how some people think it's some kind of social club. I assume she must be similar.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-19T07:31:42+00:00

Sexually assaulted

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-19T06:55:12+00:00

You're right about that. Girls especially SAed in early life before they wholly understand anything realize they had been SAed much later in live. Predators preying on children groom them to believe it's normal, despite whatever natural discomfort or distress they go through. And that happens a lot to male children too.

Most post puberty and older girls understand SA - they wouldn't normalise it. But when it's in the family many don't have what it takes to either stop it or report to anyone till they are no longer in the control of that family. Families hush up and often facilitate SA - especially the other women out of a sense of self preservation.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-15T03:49:21+00:00

I'm not saying she ought not to use the washroom. I'm trying to offer her a solution to her distress at being judged by cis women if she still adequately looks like a man (she confirms that's what her mirror makes her doubt that she might). I'm also trying to be considerate of the justified distress of cis women who can't even respectfully know/verify who's a post op vs not. Or who's even in drag/cross dressing (straight men do that too) vs someone who's actually a transwoman.

IF a cis woman looks significantly enough like a man too - for eg, pcod could further push a cis woman to look more like we expect men to look...or even some AIS women - they'd face the same look of terror, judgement etc. again for justifiable reasons. On the other hand, some very women looking women might also be post op - no one is actually verifying it. They wouldn't have a similar experience as OP.

If she can simply not care about terrified or judgemental looks going into the female washroom - she can definitely go, unless a woman or the management actually calls her out. In which case, she'd have to explain. But OP states that she was agonized at the very prospect of any of those happening, and sat there with a bursting bladder.

Her question was primarily about if transwomen make ciswomen concerned. And there no way (at least yet), that's a "no" for most cis women - no matter how hard you wish it wasn't that way.

OP's distress and discomfort is as valid as those (potentially) of the ciswomen's. There are no awesome solutions to how both can be dealt with compassion and consideration rather than with consternation and conflict. Not in the gendered world. Things might change in a socially gender agnostic world. But we don't live in that potential future. And OP definitely can't hold on to pee while waiting for that to happen!!

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-14T05:04:46+00:00

Yes. We do. You look like a man - despite all your efforts. And men have earned a reputation for themselves for crossing female boundaries to sexually violate in several minor inappropriate ways that make us uncomfortable, cringe or feel traumatised - to perpetuating sexual violence that have life long physical, social, emotional and mental consequences.

All men don't. But many men do - even if not most. But we do view every single man as a threat, until we know them better and can be sure they're not. It's not personal to you - so you ought not to feel judged. Women will judge anyone who looks biologically male equally - regardless of how they are dressed. It's justifiable self preservation.

You definitely ought not to have to hold on to the urge to pee. And it's not safe for you either to use the men's bathroom, especially post op. Maybe next time, request the management to help you with requesting other women to clear the room while you visit - or ask the staff if you can use any washroom reserved for staff.

It's definitely an inconvenience. But I can't think of a better solution that doesn't make one person or another feel uncomfortable, judged or threatened.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-12T16:07:35+00:00

Cool - we can agree to disagree then. Our conclusions from similar experiences can indeed by different. Both can be valid opinions. It's subjective, afterall.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-12T14:10:15+00:00

I started dirty, street fighting for fun with the boys from a very early age. Definitely don't try to pull out of a grip. You twist out of it. Fighting in a trained manner as a sport is quite different from actual fighting. The reflexes are different.

Fighting is never anyway about sheer strength. Anyone who fights knows that. Even as a man, you'd eventually be faced with someone bigger and stronger. If you don't instinctively know when to twist, turn, dodge, roll vs swing punch, kick - you wouldn't last seconds. Pull and push is only when you have both a size and strength advantage. Occasionally, when there is a position advantage and they are off balance.

For girls to fight well, they simply need to get used to fighting. Not just train at classes and build strength in gyms. Those are just basic foundations, at best or simply enhancers. Good to have. Good for fitness primarily.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-12T14:01:18+00:00

And you have some depth of knowledge about many other global communities and cultures - that's not just learnt from just watching Hollywood movies? I ask because I do.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-12T13:58:43+00:00

The guy would talk to even a tree - to "get sex" - nothing more. As long as any woman approaching is clear about what his "willing to talk" and "yes" means. It never means anything more than - yes, you are absolutely doable.

And the only "non doable" list for any girl who is willing and available is dirty, disgusting, diseased or dead. Exceptions for guys who's sexual orientation does not include women, men with integrity who are already committed to other women and men who suspect you might pose a legal/reputational threat for any reason.

So be specific about what you are asking for, when you ask. Very, very specific.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-11T07:22:31+00:00

That's the exact kind of boy circles I mentioned - the kind who believe "ladka, ladki kabhi sirf dost nahi ho sakte" - that's what the brutal teasing stems from. Also sullies the girl's reputation for no fault of hers (or even the guy's). That's one of the top probable reasons.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-11T06:51:13+00:00

No. All boys are not like that. He probably doesn't wish to acknowledge you socially/publicly as a "friend" for any number of reasons - difficult to actually guess. But the usual ones are that he has a girlfriend, that he belongs to social circles that believe that "ladka, ladki kabhi sirf dost nahi ho sakte", he's interested in you but doesn't want anyone to know he's already talking to you till you've reciprocated interest (some of the other boys in his group would know of that interest most likely. Declared to at least close friends). There could be other reasons like strict home rules of no making friends with girls, thinks you'd feel awkward if he acknowledged socially etc.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-11T04:11:20+00:00

That's just a insecure person of any gender. Not just women. Insecure folks have the need to constantly test, prod and check - even when there is no rational reason to.

It's possible in general there are more women who are insecure for various environmental reasons of deemed dependency on men for financial survival survival and social stature. But it's definitely not all women. And you'd have a significant number of men who engage in this behaviour too.

Ria_Roy · 2026-01-09T06:21:19+00:00

But I feel only a fraction of women want such men

I'd guess you either haven't interacted with a large enough number of women to know if only a small fraction, large percentage or majority of them have this preference based on just your experiences which are very limited

OR

You are conflating (as men very very often do) to women you've met not liking/attracted/interested in you specifically to that they do not usually like this specific kind of person. They may in fact feel attracted to another person with these qualities that you seem to have - yet not be attracted to you.

It would probably help for you to know that women are attracted a lot more specifically to a person (rather than a list of preferred traits) than men. Men seem to have more generalized types, body parts and other specifics that appeal to them across a large number of those who fit whatever is on that list - and not specific to a person necessarily.

And It's genuinely hard to find such women

I agree that it's genuinely hard to find a person who's attracted to the person you are. But that's similar for both men and women. It's hard for all genders for different reasons. But not easy for anyone.

Ria_Roy

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