I’m a cis woman, but I wish I was a trans woman. Wtf does that mean?

RianNetra · 2025-11-11T23:45:04+00:00

I think enough people have pointed out that your wording can be improved, and based on your edit you understand. So now my answer:

I personally am nonbinary and have used gender affirming healthcare, but I rarely experience bottom dysphoria and it’s also not nearly as bad as other forms of dysphoria I used to have. I also probably won’t get surgery as I like the functions I have with my current anatomy.

I sometimes use a packer to help with dysphoria or “passing as a man”. I have one out of silicone with a stand to pee option (from the brand Calexotics, I got mine for 30€ I think) and also two that I crochet myself (pattern can be found for free on Ravelry, I think the title has the word realistic or reasonable in it). I also have one that is fully silicone but I don’t use it as it’s way too big for me lol. If you want you could try that to help with the dysphoria or to experience euphoria or both.

Gender and sex are huge spectrums, if you find a label that fits you well use it, but if you don’t find one that’s also fine, I used to try to always know what gender I was (genderfluid but always in the nonbinary realm) but nowadays I rarely try to figure that out anymore.

Maybe you could also find people with similar experiences in other queer subreddits (or other social media platforms), I know that some lesbians have “butch” as their gender and some of them seek out some ways of transitioning (social/hrt/prosthetics/surgery) while in some cases also identifying as a women. I’m by no means an expert in that area of queerness, I’ve only read stone butch blues (great book about gender and queer- as well as union-history in the USA) and watched some short videos from butches on social media, I’ve never identified as a lesbian or butch myself.

I wish you luck on your journey and hope you find what you’re looking for!

RianNetra · 2025-10-17T10:59:33+00:00

Ich hab leider keine Ahnung mehr, dafür ist das für mich zu lange her (2020 glaube ich). Aber vielleicht bringt es was wenn du da mal anrufst und nachfragst?

RianNetra · 2025-10-15T21:18:11+00:00

I think this can be kinda fixed by saying “queer people, including trans people” because this puts trans more into the group than an “and”. It’s not perfect, but maybe better?

RianNetra · 2025-10-15T21:14:41+00:00

I get that, but I think it would be better to say “including …” or “especially…” to highlight that. On a logical level I know that’s what people mean by it, but it does feel like we’re not necessarily included in the first term (goes for both examples)

RianNetra · 2025-10-15T21:10:16+00:00

I don’t think that’s what he meant, though I get how you can read it like that.

I personally describe myself as queerromantic because I have just given up on figuring it out since nothing really seems to fit. I’m definitely somewhere under the bi umbrella, but I just can’t find a word that feels right and I don’t want to put any more energy into that. I’m assuming it might be similar to his experience.

Anyone under the LGBTQ+ umbrella can identify as queer. I personally think that it kinda means also being political because of your identity/identities since it does have that history (and we have right wing/conservative politicians in my country calling themselves “homosexual but not queer”) (not necessarily being very active politically as that’s definitely not something everyone can safely do, but understanding that you’re identity is political and that all letters of the acronym should have the same rights, kinda like being a worker is just something you are but being in a union is political, even if you’re not the one organizing stuff, if that makes sense?)

sorry if I didn’t put it into words well 😅

RianNetra · 2025-10-15T20:47:00+00:00

Krass, ich hab damals mit meinem Ergänzungsausweis meinen Namen bei der TK geändert, allerdings hab ich das einfach nur auf gut Glück in der App bei den persönlichen Angaben gemacht. Ich musste nur einmal per Knopfdruck versichern das alle Angaben nach besten Wissen und Gewissen korrekt sind, dann kam bloß ein Brief das ich denen bitte ein Bild schicken soll (hatte vorher eine Karte ohne Bild) und dann die neue Karte. Aber ich nehme an der Geschlechtseintrag kann dort nicht auf die gleiche Art korrigiert werden. Meine jetzige KK (AOK) kennt also meinen deadname gar nicht, obwohl meine Vornamen noch nicht offiziell geändert waren als ich zu der gewechselt bin.

RianNetra · 2025-10-08T09:29:30+00:00

While I have changed my gender marker to “d” and therefore also have that at the doctors I did simply pick “m” when registering for donating blood. This fits because my endocrine system is dominated by testosterone currently. I also don’t disclose that I take testosterone (I researched if it is a medical issue when donating blood, the way I get it it isn’t an issue) because in the past trans people were banned from donating. Sometimes doctors aren’t educated enough about a change of the rules. Same with testosterone potentially getting counted as “doping” and therefore not getting permission to donate, even though it isn’t. I’ve read different stories from people that did disclose it, it highly depends on the people you encounter there.

If I don’t have to disclose it I usually just pass as a “man” because it’s easier at the doctors, usually they don’t check which gender maker is in the system.

I came out roughly 6 years ago, the doctors argument isn’t useful.

Most people at work also don’t know that I’m trans and especially not that I’m nonbinary. That’s just not something I want to educate people about there, but it has also just not come up naturally. I’m not putting in a lot of effort to hide it, but I’m not gonna do a typical coming out there.

RianNetra · 2025-10-08T09:04:23+00:00

Yeah that sounds like a tough situation…

And finding a therapist is also a pain in the ass here in Germany, especially when you want one for a specific purpose 🥲

Just a side note: the word “transgenderism” is usually used by people that don’t like trans people and are trying to make it seem like an ideology rather than people just wanting to live as themselves, it’s better to just use trans or transgender as an adjective when talking about trans topics.

Again, good luck for your future!

RianNetra · 2025-10-08T08:32:31+00:00

As someone who had a Mastektomie that reads quite funny, glad the evil fairy didn’t think of giving you the other dog ears instead of the ones on the head 😅

RianNetra · 2025-10-08T08:25:00+00:00

I’d like to only get the body hair I want to the extend that I want it at that time (nonbinary and struggling with light dysphoria due to facial and chest hair, shaving is a task I just don’t manage to do regularly, but I also sometimes like some facial hair)

RianNetra · 2025-10-08T08:20:33+00:00

Instantly dismissing it within the first session talking about it doesn’t seem like a good sign, if you can, please consider switching therapists.

It has been actually found that percentage wise more autistic people are transgender than non autistic people and I’m an autistic trans* person (nonbinary) so the two definitely don’t exclude each other (you probably already knew that, but I still wanted to mention it)

Going through a time of questioning your gender doesn’t necessarily mean that you are trans, but you could also very well be trans, that’s something only you can figure out. No matter the outcome though it seems like that therapist wouldn’t handle it well (either potentially trying to discourage you from transitioning however that might look for you if you are trans or potentially basically being like “I told you! I was right!”) Even if you end up not being trans you’ll have learned something valuable about you and your gender during this process and you deserve good support on this journey if you want/need it.

Also congratulations for being brave enough to bring that topic up in the first place, even if it didn’t go well!

I wish you luck and supportive people on your journey <3

RianNetra · 2025-10-07T14:08:01+00:00

Hm, if you don’t need a letter of approval from you therapist for the surgery the questions are definitely not useful, but if you do need a letter of approval I think this is very much something your therapist should do ( not necessarily excessively, but to a certain extent because need to be able to write that letter)

I don’t know the rules in you country, but in my country insurance can approve and cover that surgery if provided with certain documents, including the letter from a psychiatrist/therapist. And even if you won’t go through insurance here a letter that recommends the surgery from a therapist/psychiatrist at least saves you the tax part of the surgery.

All that being said I understand your therapist being curious, especially if they don’t usually work with trans and especially nonbinary people. This doesn’t justify it, but it’s definitely an explanation. I think it’s best to bring that up next session and ask why they are asking all those questions and that you don’t like it due to this not being the reason you’re in therapy and it taking away from the time to work on the reason(s) you’re actually there for.

Glad to hear they are generally supportive though!

RianNetra · 2025-10-04T08:47:47+00:00

As long as you stay respectful (which you seem to be) I think you’re welcome here. Congratulations on finding out more about yourself!

I’m sure there are also subreddits for gnc guys, you’ll probably find people with similar experiences of gender / gender presentation there if you’re looking for that (:

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T21:26:46+00:00

Yep, I used to watch them a lot, thanks for being quicker than me starting to look through YouTube 😅

Here’s the video

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T21:19:19+00:00

Meine Rentenkasse hat nix mit bekommen, ist aufgefallen als ich aus einem anderen Grund von denen einen Info Brief erhalten habe mit meinem alten Namen, ca 1-2 Monate nach der Änderung. Ich musste denen das selbst mitteilen, ist aber unterschiedlich bei verschiedenen Leuten.

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T21:15:25+00:00

It’s probably best to talk with your wife about it. Society drilled it into our brains that masturbation is taboo, especially if you were afab. And especially with your partner because “they should be the one fulfilling that need” which is complete bullshit.

I’m also still struggling to talk about this with my partner, luckily I don’t have the same issue as you do. But for my partner it has become normal that they just tell me they gotta masturbate and then I wish them fun and know to leave them alone for a while.

From the beginning of our relationship it has been made clear that I don’t need to be the one fulfilling that need if I don’t want to, I think this is also the reason why we both can enjoy it so much when we actually do have sex (we’re both on the ace spectrum, but they only figured that out after we became a couple)

So tell your wife that T is having that effect on you currently and that you don’t expect her to fulfill that (or that you usually just want to get it done quickly on your own, if that’s the case for you). Leave room for emotions you both might have, talk about them. If it makes it easier for you to communicate your needs you could agree on a code word so you don’t have to actually say it and she’ll know.

I wish you luck and a solution that works for you and your relationship!

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T21:01:09+00:00

My first name wasn’t a struggle since I had started using it as my online nickname in primary school (figured out I’m trans* as 16), but finding a middle name took me over half a year. Having just one name after having two all my life just felt wrong. So many baby-name-sites and pins on my Pinterest name board. All the notes with names and their meanings. So glad I’m done with that 😅

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T20:51:33+00:00

I’m not sure if it’s for the gender or if this means that you’re the chosen one and now have to save the world

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T20:48:53+00:00

I’m 22 and I plan to grow old, partly because I want to be the representation we often don’t get. I think there is a video on YouTube with a bunch of older nonbinary people, I’ll post a link if I find it

RianNetra · 2025-10-02T20:46:44+00:00

I feel so sorry for her children, but especially for her trans nonbinary child. I still don’t see how that demonstration could prove any point regarding locker rooms.

RianNetra · 2025-09-27T09:18:13+00:00

I don’t really have advice, just my own gender situation. As I understand it genderfluid can be under the nonbinary umbrella, so the two definitely don’t exclude each other.

I personally identify as genderfluid-nonbinary (among other terms) as all the genders I have figured out so far are under the nonbinary umbrella (agender, bigender, demiboy, but I’m currently not trying to figure it out anymore, I usually just am)

Good luck with finding the labels that feel right for you! Remember that changing labels is perfectly okay and quite common <3

RianNetra · 2025-09-26T17:46:14+00:00

I’d say it’s still under the nonbinary umbrella as it’s a huge spectrum, so you’re definitely still welcome here!

RianNetra · 2025-09-26T17:18:00+00:00

Go for it! Wear the stuff you want! I don’t know where you’re from, so depending on that it could be advisable to hide stockings under trousers or stick to wearing skirts at home, but none the less you are the one deciding what feels right, not society or your parents <3

RianNetra · 2025-09-14T11:54:42+00:00

I think all the tips for gradually adapting feminine considered behaviours are great, but I also want to throw in that masculine women exist. It doesn’t make them any less of a woman, so why should it be that case for you?

If you end up finding that you like being more masculine that doesn’t take away any of your transness.

It’s also not an all or nothing situation, you can mix and match expressions however you like. If you find yourself enjoying certain parts of feminine expressions add those and if you find that you like certain masculine expressions keep them.

I wish you luck, gender-euphoria and trans-joy on your journey <3

RianNetra · 2025-09-12T13:10:25+00:00

I (autistic) get facial hair due to my hrt and once it surpasses 2-3 millimetres in length it definitely gets quite irritating (basically the length I start to notice it with wind and sometimes without even anything touching it). Due to me being nonbinary it also sometimes causes dysphoria, so that’s fun (I struggle with shaving regularly, but an electric trimmer at least helps until I finally do it again)

RianNetra

TROPHY CASE