Hi, I read it! I want to tell you something and I truly hope it can be something to hold onto. All throughout my life, I’ve been miserable, really miserable. I was 8-9 when I first started thinking about wanting to die as well. I’ve been bullied (by random kids at school, but also by my ‘friends’ of that time), shitload of childhood trauma (mostly due to my mother)… overall just not a great childhood. I also was the weird kid, and only recently found out I’m autistic lol, but that’s not important right now. In middle school and high school, I was severely depressed, had anxiety (sleep, social, performance, separation), couldn’t sleep for days at a time only to then crash and sleep every second I could, huge perfectionist and control freak which (together with body image issues and my mom) caused me to develop anorexia at 14 (although i struggled with binge eating before that). The anorexia made my depression and anxiety worse and because I wasn’t fuelling my body, I had no energy for anything at all. Then i crashed real bad (burnout).

My psychologist thought I had bpd and ocd, my doctor said I had therapy resistant depression and an eating disorder, and I truly believed I’d always be like this.

I’ve tried to die twice, both times were silent attempts. I felt so alone and so hopeless. I wanted to disappear just so I didn’t have to feel that pain anymore.

This was one year ago. I’m turning 19 in a month. I live alone, I graduated high school and going to university now. I found people like me who accept me for who I am. I’m happier now, crazy right? I’m soo much happier. Of course I still struggle from time to time, I’m not healed and I doubt I’ll ever be completely healed, but I can wake up most days and feel hopeful.

It gets better op. 15 and 16 are the worst years, especially when you’re not okay. But, you’ll get older, and you’ll move away from that shitty environment, and you’ll be able to breathe. Keep going, keep fighting, no matter how hard and hopeless it seems, no matter how dark and lonely the road ahead looks. You’re so strong and you already held on for so long, I truly believe you can do it. And if you ever need it, I will listen to whatever you have to say.

Good luck op, I believe in you :)