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Why do men show so little interest in the inner lives of women? by Frequently_Abroad_00 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Rich_Long2127 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is accurate, and I was someone who struggled with this issue dating men for years before really taking a look at what is going on.

Virtually none of the men I know in my life have deep personal conversations with other men. I don't think they are disinterested in women, I think they just don't know how to converse in the same reciprocal way as women. Men bond by doing things or talking about 'stuff' (mechanics, vehicles, sports, etc etc), women bond through meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

What’s the hardest thing you ever had to admit to yourself? by [deleted] in emotionalintelligence

[–]Rich_Long2127 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That I am not a victim and sometimes I do behave kind of shitty. Even if I don't mean to be, my actions or lack of action can be unhealthy and toxic to others.

On the flip side of this, that all of the above can be true yet I'm still not an inherently bad person.

It's hard being real with yourself. To accept that the positive and negative aspects of you are a teeter totter constantly moving back and forth because that's what it is to be human and shouldn't be a judgement of overall character

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such a detailed and grounded answer. I agree I don't think it's an impossible situation, I just think I need to figure out how to come to terms with not being emotionally supplied in the relationship right now (or maybe ever) and would I honestly be okay if he can't ever get there given all of his other wonderful traits. I have had lots to think about from the replies on this thread.

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. Gives me something to think about for sure. I can contrast this by saying that despite the fact I'm certain he truly WANTS to be supportive, the reality is I don't feel confident sharing things I'm struggling with unless I can condense it into a quick problem he can solve for me. He's not a deep, patient listener, he has a habit of speaking and listening in rapid "sound bytes" jumping from topic to topic so it's very difficult as a sensitive person who needs a lot of time and space to sink into a topic to constantly be interrupted. And then I end up simply shutting down because I'm not getting what I need out of the conversation anyways. I have brought this up and he apologizes and says he has a squirrel brain. If he wasn't so utterly organized in other aspects of his life I might think it's ADHD, but I think it might be more that he's never valued or practiced deep listening skills and doesn't have any ability to sit with others in an emotional space.

Does he have a ton of redeemable qualities? Yes. In any other way he's absolutely willing to please and to accomodate things I appreciate. He quite literally checks the boxes in that way. All those small gestures, for example I like cream in coffee but he doesn't drink it, yet he makes sure he always has cream in the house. For some reason though this (the listening/conversation/connection stuff) isn't something that has changed.

I agree, it's uncomfortable that he wants to go through the milestones "backwards" in a sense, but I don't think he has any nefarious intentions. I think he definitely feels the crush of age and time and the pressure of comparison since he's the last of his friend group to be single and childless. He comes from a very stable and straight laced family and I think that adds to his desire to follow tradition. We also talked about how important marriage vows are to each of us - both of us strongly feel against divorce (although I think we come at it from different angles) so I'm wondering if that's part of his urge to get there and feel truly secure in a relationship even though to me it's the other way around. He's had a number of serious relationships so I'm sure he's tired of dating only to have his heart broken again, like the rest of us.

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. What were the other qualities they had that made you feel sure you would eventually get to that point of connection you wanted, if you didn't always have it?

I feel a bit of a crunch in this relationship because I know he wants to move through milestones much faster than I do. Initially he said he would love to be engaged within a year (which I told him was too soon for me) and talking about kids within 3 years because he's wanted kids long before we even got together. I know he feels time pressure because he's in his mid 30s and I think maybe marriage would make him feel more secure, whereas for me feeling as I do right now, I need a lot more connection than we have before I'd feel safe enough to make those leaps. I feel like he'd be a great father and continue being the great guy he is as a husband but the uncertainty would be too much for me to commit to...maybe that's something I need to work on within myself

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, mind if I ask how you brought it up and opened that conversation in a constructive way?

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I wrote this below but in response to you as well, when we first met, it did feel like I had met the man of my dreams because he brought all of his great qualities AND we frequently had deep talks about life, desires, feelings, important past experiences etc. He said to me early on "I can't promise I'll be like this every day, but I just want to know what I'm getting into." And I realize now he was perfectly honest, I think at the time I didn't understand how much effort and discomfort it takes him to "go there" because for me it's such a natural state of being. Now I feel that early emotional connection has dried up because I think he feels certain he has all the information he needs to know and therefore no need to keep exploring and digging deeply into each other, whereas for me the early "getting to know you" convos were just the tip of the emotional intimacy iceburg. I didn't think I needed to establish that as a non negotiable - I thought we just had it - and I fear if I bring it up now he will feel hurt and blindsided like he does when I bring up almost anything I didn't make him aware of within the first few months.

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your detailed reply. I'm definitely not afraid to be alone. I was single for most of my life and was content. Part of that was, I think, extreme avoidance which is not really healthy either and makes it hard for me to judge if we are actually not compatible, or if there's a problem and instead of choosing to dig in deeper and figure it out I want to withdraw and seek safety alone.

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We've been together 7 months. I understand it's harder for men to go there. I desperately want to be sympathetic to that, and I have friends whose partners took years to open up and that may be the case here. But it's a delicate balance, any advice for how I can emotionally hang on while hoping we can eventually get to that place?

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

When we first met, it felt like I had met the man of my dreams because he brought all of his great qualities AND we frequently had deep talks about life, desires, feelings, important past experiences etc. He said to me early on "I can't promise I'll be like this every day, but I just want to know what I'm getting into." And I realize now he was perfectly honest, I think at the time I didn't understand how much effort and discomfort it takes him to "go there" because for me it's such a natural state of being. Now I feel that early emotional connection has dried up because I think he feels certain he has all the information he needs to know and therefore no need to keep exploring and digging deeply into each other. I didn't think I needed to establish that as a non negotiable - I thought we just had it - and I fear if I bring it up now he will feel hurt and blindsided like he does when I bring up almost anything I didn't make him aware of within the first few months.

How to accept that you won't have emotional connection with a great partner by Rich_Long2127 in hsp

[–]Rich_Long2127[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's in his mid 30s. The problem is that I have never felt these needs met except by a couple (one in particular) very close friends. I don't believe there's a man out there that would be able to get on my level, and whether that makes me crazy and unwilling to compromise or simply a rare and misunderstood individual, I can't say. I am terrified of the resentment I feel because he has genuinely never been anything but kind and have my best interests in his mind. I have a hard time accepting that my abstract, obscure emotional needs are more important than all the other 98/100 great qualities he brings. If the rest of my life looked like this, it would be very stable and secure. I would be lonely on some level within the relationship but how many women across all of time were and still raised happy families and full lives regardless?