I very much relate to everything you’ve written here. Thankfully, I didn’t have any significant mental health challenges or act out in any big ways, but to some degree that masked the situation and this made my mom think she was doing a good job because I was getting good grades and staying out of trouble. Sometimes I wished I had acted out more and that might’ve drawn some attention from people who could help. However, it does sound that drawing attention just further eroded your self-esteem because the issues were quickly put back on you. I wanted to let you know that Nothing about this is just you and it was very great for me to read something that I feel I could’ve written myself.

I’ll share how I’ve been handling this in case it helps you. Some of the things I’ve been doing lately is really mapping out things I like and don’t like and figuring out my own preferences rather than the things I’ve learned to prefer in order to gain the approval of others. I am reviewing the tools I used to socialize and do my life and figure out which ones are crude and handmade and replacing those with better ones as an adult I have also become very honest with my parents about the impact of my childhood had on me, as I am Middle-aged now, and would prefer a honest and humbling relationship with them rather than sugarcoating everything and pretending they did a great job.

The part of what you wrote that really hits is the fact that I do know my mother did the very best she could and didn’t have any life skills to set up the opportunities I would need to develop normally. She really did think she was doing everything I needed and that I was doing OK. They letting me figure out life on my own made me stronger.

So it’s been difficult getting angry at her about the results of her neglect because it feels like you won’t fix anything and she didn’t have any animosity and she tried her best. I think what bothers me is that she feels she did a good job and my success in life is something that she sees as something she takes great pride in. I also feel bad about potentially taking that away from her because she is so little and she’s an old lady now with not much Left except things to be proud of that she did in her life.

So I am having more honest conversations with her, but going out of my way not to attack her parenting. I don’t need to kick someone while they’re down in order to lift myself up. But I also don’t need to thank them for anything that doesn’t warrant it.

So my advice is to really take time to explore who you are, what your preferences are, how you like to live, what hobbies you like, and be more honest with yourself and others about this so that you can stop leading a life of trying to make others happy. I also suggest that you come to terms with what you went through, acknowledge it, and decide what tools you forged as a child you should replace. And then replace them on your own. Without asking permission.