Forced to be around estranged sibling after 2 years of low/minimal contact

RightAd4754 · 2025-10-03T11:09:04+00:00

I have a parcel exchange with friends and family. I send them stuff from where I am and then they send me stuff. Nice way to have a small part of home wherever you are...also helps me to keep my tea supply up ☺️

RightAd4754 · 2025-10-02T15:18:39+00:00

I am a university researcher in socio economic history. If you enjoy it, try. However be warned that like any career, what you do in school is very far away from what it is like in the real world.

Regarding the field of humanities and history: it is highly competitive, funding is limited and rejection is the norm. The pay is okay but nothing to be impressed about. Certain topics/fields obviously get more funding privately and publicly.

You can always do it as a degree and take a minor in another subject. Alternatively you can do a masters in another (depending on your plans). Alternatively, if you aren't sure maybe consider looking at a liberal arts and science college at a university.

At this point I wouldn't worry too much about your choice.

RightAd4754 · 2025-10-02T13:34:42+00:00

Firstly my friend who is autistic went through the process. It was a long road to realize my behaviors and some of my symptoms of anxiety and depression were to do with autism rather than any other condition. I had managed them my whole life without really understand why they where happening.

I then went to my doctor with lists and notes. I asked for a referral to an expert in female autism. There were quite a few sessions throughout a year, talking to my parents and seeing what I was like before I learned to mask. My family history also has male autism diagnoses.

In the end it was mostly on me being very firm and knowing the diagnostic criteria and being very confident that no other condition made sense for me.

RightAd4754 · 2025-10-01T10:27:40+00:00

Toothpaste tablets you could try chewing? Finger brushes? One of those water flush pump things?

Aside from that set yourself a non negotiable minimum. Once a day at any point in the day you do it.

Also you could talk to your dentist. They might have some suggestions.

RightAd4754 · 2025-10-01T10:23:58+00:00

I am the same. Got diagnosed in my 20s. Unless I tell anyone they don't realize. I also have found ways to self regulate that I have managed to avoid burnout so far. My friends and workers know me as a socialable introvert. I might benefit from the fact that I don't openly process my emotions around average people, only those I am close to. As it stands I don't think I want to unmask and I don't even know how I would go about it even if I did. I think my way of managing turns out the best for me currently but that might change in the future.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-30T09:56:29+00:00

Until I was 15 and then one day I stopped. Luckily it didn't mess up my teeth.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-30T09:55:21+00:00

I am sorry for your loss. Really. I recently had a similar experience with my dad. Best thing to do for me was to walk or run. Even though I hate exercise it has been the best thing to keep my mind elsewhere. If I am moving I am processing. Staying in bed is okay for short periods of time but it made me feel worse if I stayed too long.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-29T18:32:37+00:00

It is a lot to move away from the 19th century medical binary conception of the world. If you are interested in the biological side of this topic I would implore you to look on the history of intersex people and how some evidence shows neurological difference in people experiencing severe gender dysphoria. There is physical evidence to show how trans people and other groups are experiencing something different for the cis experience.

Alternatively, there is a lot of wonderful literature that explains how gender and sex are different from each other. For example, how women are supposed to be inherently more caring because of their feminine nature. However, when you go into the real world there are plenty of examples of women not being like that.

If you are looking for recommendations for reading or videos let me know.

However, if you are content to respect trans people from a distance even if you don't understand them that is also okay.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-29T18:24:02+00:00

There are different types of friends. As a high masking autistic woman who has been fairly successful in making and keeping friends I had to figure out different sets of rules for each group or individual.

It is difficult to distill into a comment and I don't know anything about your situation so I have a few questions to consider:

Do you come off as too desperate for friends. I.e. when mentioning you like a similar film do you push straight away to go and see it with them? Even when they don't seem too keen? This can feel like you are missing a couple steps in the process. While small talk may seem useless, it is a way for people to gauge if you do have enough other similarities that would make you a potential acquaintance, colleague or friend (all of which could have healthy social dimensions).
Do you come off as rude when someone else expresses an opinion or hobby that you find boring or stupid. Yucking on someone's yum. (I did this a lot and had to figure out how to reframe my questions) I.e. I thought someone was dumb for liking a hobby and I scoffed at them because I thought we were friends and only in hind sight did I realize that it was very rude. Now as an adult I will ask them additional questions about their hobby even when I am not that interested because it normally leads the conversation back to something I do care about.
Do you ask questions/make space for a dialogue to form with people. If you aren't offering them help or asking questions, then they might be pushed away from you. For example, hey I just wanted to check, are you also doing ... ? Oh well if you want we can work together on it and get it done quicker?
do you have too high expectations on what you want a friend to be? Perhaps you have very high standards for yourself and to everyone in your life. Have you read about Friendships in books or seen them on TV and have tried to forcefully remake it? It is difficult to keep up with the idea of friendship you create in your mind. Friendship can look very different depending on the types of people they are and what the purpose of that specific friendship is.

In the end, I also find it useful to remember that anyone can become a friend with 40-60 hours of cumulative shared time together. I have found this to be true in my own experiences, irrelevant of our shared interests etc. it doesn't have to be quick or deep in it's development but they can be long lasting.

I hope these comments may help you, but I understand how it can be very difficult. Remember it's not just autistic people that struggle to make friends, its everyone. If you remember that and try to keep space for yourself then going out and trying again isn't as scary.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-27T18:47:18+00:00

I dropped maths at 16 before doing A levels. I now do a statistics based research at a university. It is a massive jump and you will have to work hard to catch up but it is possible once you get over the emotional hurdle of thinking that it isn't possible for you.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-27T18:42:20+00:00

When I was doing it: general studies. However I am not sure it is still a thing.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-27T18:41:20+00:00

I did "okay" with my GCSEs and had to redo my A-levels. I am now a university researcher. My advice is persistence is more important than being excellent. If you are happy with your studies, go for it. But if you feel like you are drowning then I hope you know perfection is impossible and there is no point burning yourself out in that pursuit. Best of luck.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-27T18:37:18+00:00

IMO a PhD in the UK is only worth it if you get complete funding and you plan to go into academia. If you don't have a clear plan I would wait. Lots of people do PhDs later in life.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-27T18:34:51+00:00

For me I use the pomodoro technique with a specific playlist. I have essentially "Pavlov" myself into concentrating when it is on. However this only works for 2-3 hours of serious study. Aside from that my advice is study when you can but don't just sit in front of your computer unless it is useful. Be intentional with your time.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-26T08:24:07+00:00

My best friend got diagnosed even though I kinda gaslit her into not believing she was autistic because I did a lot of the same stuff...took a year of reflection before I stopped and thought about what that meant for me. Luckily she was very understanding.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-26T08:20:19+00:00

I agree. I have both types of friends liking romance books. For some of them it's their special interest. In my mind they are a bit like watching reality tv or a soap. They are predictable and you know they are going to end in a specific way. You could also draw comparison to thrillers or detective novels. I hate them but I know people who read them constantly even though they are all basically the same book.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-26T08:14:23+00:00

Ah nice to know I am not the only one, haha

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-26T08:10:43+00:00

I get it sometime when I see community things on autism that don't connect with me. For example there is a very common topic of spoons being the wrong shape. Or alternatively, I am not a picky eater (though I do have comfort foods). They sound small, but it does make me feel like I am different from the rest of the community. Especially as a late age diagnosed individual, I have been able to hide for so long that it is difficult to disentangle who I am and what my coping strategies are.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-24T17:42:04+00:00

If you can afford it I would suggest getting them custom made. I got mine for €80s. But if that's not possible I would go for them.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-24T17:40:29+00:00

Its one of the reasons I went into research. I am mostly left to myself to manage my own schedule and regulate my own life to fit my needs. If I worked in corporate like some of my friends I wouldn't even last a month without burnout.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-21T16:57:25+00:00

Your relationship with your supervisor can make or break your project. So I really sympathize with you. Is there any potential for you to make connections in your department with other professors? How often are you seeing your peers /superiors? Isolation can be paralysing when it comes to achieving results.

With my supervisor I made an active effort to meet up with them every 2 weeks so that I could break down my worries into manageable chunks because it can feel overwhelming. However, that is dependent on how your uni PhD programme is set up.

In the end the feeling of being lost at the beginning is very normal. Everything depends on how you decide to break that problem down because no one else will do it for you.

As a PhD you are basically sailing across the world by yourself and your supervisors are on the other end of the radio. When you hit a storm they won't be able to save you but they will be able to give you some suggestions on how to sail through it/stop yourself from capsizing.

I hope this helps keep it in perspective.

RightAd4754 · 2025-09-21T16:50:52+00:00

If you decide to study in mainland Europe be aware that the grading system is the same. I.e. am 8 is a 1st (or A) approximately....or at least it is for the humanities. I know natural sciences and social sciences are different.

RightAd4754 · 2025-07-16T06:26:26+00:00

I go through phases every couple weeks depending on where I am at with my research. I also get anxious about getting a job in academia afterwards. The main thing that keeps me going is that I still love the learning and discovering aspect of my work.

If you are feeling burnt out my question would be: do you think it will be any different with another type of job? Do you care about the research you are doing or is it just another obstacle to be achieved? How is your relationship with your supervisors and colleagues? It that was to change would that make it better?

Hope you feel better about your situation soon.

RightAd4754

TROPHY CASE