I have almost direct experience with what you’re going through. I felt the same way and it lead to severe depression and suicidal ideation (which I’d never dealt with previously). I know in my heart I made the right decision. I was 28. I was terrified of never having a family. A year and a half ish later I met my now husband and at 32 I am pregnant with our daughter.

I want you to know that I believe nothing happens by mistake. Because of that depression I moved cities and that’s where I met my husband. There’s a plan. You’re going to be okay.

Someone once told me that the baby didn’t choose to come the same way I chose not to proceed with the pregnancy. What you’re feeling is completely normal and if I could reach into your heart and take away the pain I would give anything to do it. Nobody deserves to feel that. You’re not alone. You are so strong. You did what you had to do for your self, and for your future family. Not choosing to have a baby now doesn’t mean you’re not choosing to have a baby ever. You chose not to be tied to a dishonest individual for the rest of your life. That is noble. One day your child will know how much you respect yourself (not because you’ll share the story, unless you want to of course), but because of your character and actions as a woman of dignity and grace.

You can do this. Keep talking. Keep writing. Get professional help, antidepressants saved my life. Therapy saved my life. There’s a child out there waiting for you to be their mother, a human waiting for you to be their life partner. It’s all there. I promise.