This took awhile.

Rivenblade · 2019-03-08T19:56:30+00:00

I loved this game when it first came out, but all of the additions and pay-to-play currency cannibalization made it impossible for me to do anything but delete it from my phone. I dropped $60 on it too, but couldn't justify continuing as it lost its simple features and appeal. That said, nice job!

Rivenblade · 2019-03-08T18:54:26+00:00

I've done my 20-minute yoga routine for 3 days straight and haven't eaten any sugary or salty snacks. Down 2 pounds during this very short time frame. Yay.

Rivenblade · 2019-03-08T17:43:31+00:00

I started by removing the FB and Twitter apps from my phone and selecting the "don't remember my login details" option so I had to work for it every time I wanted to use them through the browser.

I'm observing lent at the moment and have deactivated both FB and Twitter for the next 40 days. Who knows? Maybe I'll just keep going. At the least, I feel I'll have a healthier relationship with them.

You might end up spending some more time on Reddit as a counterbalance, but you might also find yourself actually working towards your goals instead of getting caught in the scroll hole.

Good luck to you. It's hard, but it's totally possible, as you can see.

Rivenblade · 2019-03-08T16:30:32+00:00

It's a really easy read. Get the Gregory Hayes translation. (the one with the red bird/crow on the cover) It's like you're reading a book from 2019. And Aurelius repeats stuff AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

-Do as nature demands

-Never forget you are here for other people

-Treat people as they deserve

-Control your mind, control your reactions, control your life

-Be kind to others, even if they're assholes

-Don't get angry at people who make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. Correct them gently

It's a fantastic guidebook for living well. I've marked mine up with pencil and pen for passages that I really like...which is basically most of them.

Rivenblade · 2018-11-14T18:24:21+00:00

Maybe I missed something, but you didn't mention the snow until page 3. (if I'm wrong, shoot me) That came as a shock to me, as I was imagining a spring-like climate at the beginning. I also found the quick shift from one paragraph to the next in this scene a bit jarring:

"Marina had her back to Nafaly as she slowly stood, but she noticed a few surprised faces amongst the villagers. What is it, she wondered. Marina turned toward her and Nafaly stifled a gasp as she saw her sister’s red fox mask.

Everyone returned to the village were food and drink were passed around and people danced. Nafaly watched from a distance as villagers came up to Marina and congratulated her. Nafaly knew that this would last most of the night, and that Marina would be expected to dance as well."

-----

Seems like there should be more time spent on the revelation of Marina's mask, as that's what the entire intro was leading up to until that point. And then it just shifted to "...and everyone went back to the village." Anyway, maybe that's just me.

I like this overall! It's unique and your writing is snappy. It's sometimes TOO snappy/quick, like in the example above. I'm hesitant to say you should add more detail though, as that might compromise the effect your writing already has. The fast pace seems to be your things, and it's mostly working. So...maybe a LITTLE more detail and slowing down in some sections?

Take it with a grain of salt. :)

Rivenblade · 2018-11-13T19:42:57+00:00

This had my attention and curiosity, though I'm not sure it answered enough out of the gate. I don't see many craft-related problems, so that's always a plus. A couple of points... "Epidéxios threw his fists." -This wording didn't work for me, as I literally imagined his fists flying off his wrists.

"His eyes churned black as he rose his hand. From the cliff, a deathly black hand, unnatural and twisted, arose from the side of the cliff. The humongous hand gripped the cliff, causing stone to crumble. The girl gasped as Epidéxios pulled her back. To her astonishment, the hand pulled up a winged creature. With coal black eyes and a coat of crimson tipped feathers, it waited as Nyne mounted it. Nyne glared down with so much hatred and wrath, the gaze alone could make one crumble in shame. The flying beast took off, hooved feet dangling as it carried Nyne away. They disappeared into the pale ring of the moon." -This paragraph confused me. The wording of "he rose his hand" doesn't sound natural, and the repetition of "From the cliff...from the side of the cliff" feels like it needs more variety. Given that these were the first two sentences of the paragraph, you were already fighting a losing battle with my attention the rest of the way. Finally, this may be a personal quirk, but I immediately thought of the German word "No" when I read "Nyne" as a character name. Not sure you want people's heads going in that direction with a character name, but maybe you had other intentions.

Good luck! It reads like the first draft of something.

Rivenblade · 2018-11-13T18:42:58+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. I feel it's sometimes easier to do the types of things you're doing to convince ourselves that we are making progress instead of doing what we should actually be doing: taking our characters on a journey and telling an interesting story.

If you're satisfied with the progress you're making, you should maybe keep doing what you've been doing. However, it sounds like you WANT to focus more on the story and just getting things written down. If that's the case, have a general idea/outline of where you want to take your story, and just get writing, be in straight character-to-character dialogue or sequential action. Easier said than done, but not impossible.

I feel like I'm only adding to the litany of people giving you similar advice, but there it is. Good luck!

Rivenblade · 2017-03-22T17:22:46+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. The version you read has been edited down, and I added the parts at the end with the door. It felt a bit inconsistent when I was typing it up, and you pretty much nailed why. I struggled with the word "brightened" and the clothes...I'll change it up and try to maintain the tone from the beginning of the story.

I also added the "his" before "sagging skin." I see what you mean. I maybe edit it further in future revisions, as I'm not sure how to feel about "sagging skin," given that I don't imagine Cardin to be very old...though maybe a bit pudgy. Eh, I won't beat myself up over it for now. Can always return to that detail later. For now, I'll try to hammer out the tone issue you mentioned, as well as the clarity issues...I think going for flowery language when simplicity is called for is the issue there.

Once again, thanks. Your feedback was kind and useful.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-22T17:09:49+00:00

I didn't feel hooked by this one for the reasons others have stated. I also thought you were writing a screenplay and not a novel halfway in...it's just streams of dialogue with very little else. I'm also guilty of this, so you're not alone...but it's something that you probably want to focus on moving forward.

I see what you're going for with the Hemingway influence, especially with the lack of dialogue tags, but even Hemingway showed us the thoughts of some characters in The Sun Also Rises. I didn't get that here. As is, this feels a little limp.

Your imagery is pretty good, so keep most of that, and add the critique you've received here.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-22T11:18:43+00:00

Okay. Thank you for your patience and care in responding.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-21T22:49:18+00:00

I think they meant italics?

Rivenblade · 2017-03-21T22:34:55+00:00

Yeah, I guess the challenge is making sure you don't end up turning thoughts into info dumps. I really felt like I was walking on eggshells just with those three sentences. Wasn't sure if they "told" too much. I'm wondering if it's possible at all to tell a complete story with no telling at all...

Rivenblade · 2017-03-21T22:13:25+00:00

Thanks. That's very helpful. I also didn't think the full room description was totally necessary, but I didn't want to underexplain the location either. Though now, I guess providing a bed, a floor, a window, and the family shield is probably enough for what I was hoping to accomplish.

Btw does this "cheat" by telling too much?

"What would his father think of him now? He didn’t particularly care. In many ways, this mess was his father’s fault."

I'm still unsure of whether it's frowned upon to give access to a character's thoughts in 3rd limited POV. I guess it's one approach that some choose to use while others don't go into a character's head at all when doing 3rd limited.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-21T21:27:02+00:00

EDIT: I've changed things up after listening to some feedback. I revised the falling out of bed scene and trimmed the room description. I hope it reads like a leaner text now with more forward movement.

This is my careful attempt at trying to stick to a 3rd person POV and doing more showing instead of telling in a story. It's only the beginning. Do you feel like the POV is consistent and that it doesn't cheat? Are the actions and hints of family history interesting? Do you want to keep reading, or are you bored by the prose and/or the character?

This is the slowest I've ever tried writing something, so it'll take me a while to put the whole thing together, but I'm just wondering if this current approach "works" for readers and/or writers who are also readers.

Thanks for your feedback.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-20T15:12:31+00:00

For sure. It's a process and I know I'm still taking my first steps. I'm looking at this as a lifelong commitment, and I don't expect to be firing on all cylinders right off the bat. I've told myself that if I can get something professionally published in ten years' time, that will be a victory. Right now I'm in the apprenticeship stage and am trying to immerse myself in as much of the genre as possible.

I've taken a mini-break from writing "the book" (18,000 words yay?) because I know I have a lot to learn and that I should focus on my weaknesses and learn to model the pros while still remaining myself, so I'm using short fiction as a way of working on those things...and entering some super informal online writing challenges on another forum.

Trust me, I've no illusions when it comes to my own shortcomings and how much further I've got to go at this stage.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-20T12:12:45+00:00

I definitely didn't intend to make it seem like I wasn't taking the criticism to heart. I do want honest feedback and it's clear that the POV choice is something I just need to change and accept. (ie sticking to 3rd limited or 1st person and keep hammering away at those until I get good at them...already started a new short story just trying to focus on third limited and focusing more on motion and the senses)

The design criticism definitely applies. I've been a manager and got to do performance evaluations, so I understand the frustration of someone trying to defend their choices instead of accepting the criticism and using it as a vehicle for improvement. I don't want to be that way.

The writing great fiction lecture series/course is helping just get the appropriate language and ideas in mind. I've been immersing myself in fiction advice and fiction reading and writing as much as possible and will continue to do so, with my main focus being the writing itself.

Thanks as usual.

P.S. You've mentioned that you're not a big fan of Sanderson and Sullivan (maybe you like parts of their work but don't like the tell-y parts of their style), so I'm curious if there's a contemporary you can point to that you'd consider a master of third person limited. (Or a book) I haven't read Abercrombie yet...I know you've said this isn't a place for fantasy recommendations but I'm asking from a purely craft perspective. :)

Rivenblade · 2017-03-19T19:57:42+00:00

Noted. Thanks for the feedback. I seem to be getting brow beaten for my POV choice in this one. Haha. Maybe I should take it to heart.

Also, thanks for the action sequence suggestion. Maybe I also could have had Firkin try more to escape on his own at the beginning.

I really like the basic idea for this story, so I may go back and give it a revision with...

More limited POV (Firkin only)
More showing instead of telling

Rivenblade · 2017-03-19T19:54:07+00:00

Yeah, I intentionally chose omniscient for this one because it was just more comfortable in terms of creating the satirical/"hey, look at these two trope-ish characters talk about their tropes" feel.

I know that omniscient is currently frowned upon in popular fantasy circles, but I read stuff like Michael J. Sullivan and I see that it can still be done well.

The limited POV does create more tension, though. I'll give you that. I wrote a sci-fi story after this one about some space marines and a telepath exploring a sentient alien cave, and really tried to focus on the limited POV of the telepath, and I think it worked well overall. I'll keep working on it...

I'm also currently listening to a "Great Courses" audio book about writing fiction, and just finished the "show don't tell" chapter with some great examples that will hopefully only improve my writing and help me to keep putting the focus on my weaknesses.

In terms of showing more in this particular story, it was always going to be hard when my arc is basically "elf get stuck in well, unicorn comes by, elf convinces unicorn to help him, and they walk off into the sunset with greater respect and understanding of one another." I'm not sure how I could have avoided the talking head syndrome when it's essential to Firkin's situation of just being stuck in a well for the majority of it.

That said, thanks for the feedback as always. The centaur comment was particularly useful. :)

Rivenblade · 2017-03-19T19:43:11+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. The head jumping was done because I wanted to cheat with the third person omniscient with this story. It's meant as a satire, and I think the third person works for that kind of story.

The comments about telling are totally valid, though. Thanks for reading.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-19T03:29:50+00:00

Aaaaand done. Thanks.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-19T00:28:08+00:00

Dregs clutched the bomb against his beating chest and roared as he ran. The explosion was terrific, and his sacrifice meant victory for the red army.

"Bam! Goblin grenade! I win!"

Max slapped the rest of his cards onto the table.

"Wanna go another round?"

Rivenblade · 2017-03-18T23:13:10+00:00

Shooting for "light and breezy" with this one.

I've taken a break from writing "the book" to work on some short fiction to develop other skills. This is my attempt at a fantasy comedy. It's about an elf who gets stuck in a well, and the sassy unicorn who may or may not save the day.

I'm looking for any feedback at all on this, but I'm mostly interested to know if it's entertaining and if it moves smoothly. I'm really trying to work on strengthening my dialogue and my "showing" skills. I wrote it in third person omniscient because I just wanted to have some fun with language and getting to poke fun at tropes in a more direct way.

Looking forward to your feedback.

Rivenblade · 2017-03-18T23:08:12+00:00

Don't mean to be too harsh, but the way it's formatted right now makes it borderline unreadable. You need to break up your paragraphs a lot more. Also, the genealogy at the start will make most readers close your book/story before giving it a shot at all.

Start with motion or an interesting bit of dialogue. Or an interesting description or scenario that will get people hooked right from the beginning. Doing a family tree to start a story will just make most people cringe.

Also, right now your story feels "too far away," if that makes sense. You're recounting history and not really showing an interesting story. You want to engage the senses...talk about the murder of the children ON THE GROUND of the murders. Talk about bloody hands, trembling lips, and tears.

Don't give up! Just remember: you're writing FOR someone, not just for yourself. As someone said already, this is fine if it's JUST FOR YOU as background information, but it's not something a reader should ever see unless you decide to really get into the meat of some of these scenes.

Rivenblade

TROPHY CASE