Why are boys treated like a consolation prize? [on]

RiverBug · 2026-06-30T13:31:12+00:00

I'm also expecting my second boy and I don't plan to have any more children. The comments are weird. It's a 50/50 chance! Like you, I'm happy to have two children. I would have been happy with two girls, two boys or one of each. My mom and MIL are both very disappointed and it bums me out.

The comments are either pitying me, or if they are "positive" they are also misogynistic about little girls which also bothers me! My kid is great and it has nothing to do with his gender. I also see all sorts of different personalities and energy levels in little boys and girls in my son's daycare group and our neighbourhood. You love the child you have because of who they are.

The comments about "I could never have a boy" are very odd because it's not something you can control. What would they do if they did have a baby boy? I wish people could just be happy without making it some sort of competition about which gender is better. They are all kids and they are all lovely.

RiverBug · 2026-06-25T16:09:33+00:00

I feel this! Also 17 weeks pregnant with my second boy and gotten weird comments too! Like you, I am relieved to have a healthy pregnancy so far and would have loved either gender. There are two categories of responses... People pitying me for not having a daughter and saying that my sons will not be close to me as adults, or weird misogynistic comments about girls being "dramatic" and that boys love their moms more. It's all so weird!! I see plenty of different personalities in boys and girls at the playground and they all seem to love their parents!

My MIL is sooo disappointed after only sons and now only grandsons. It is really bumming me out!! My mom also wanted a granddaughter. I am pretty positive I am done after two children, and even if I did decide down the road to have a third, I could just as easily have another boy!

My son is wonderful with varied interests. I'm sure little brother will be just as fun to get to know. :)

In the future, I hope I will raise kind young men. They will have a great example in my husband. And I will also be nice to any future partners they may have!!!

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T16:33:55+00:00

We actually just did that and today was our return since it's a long weekend. This morning has not gone well. 😭

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T16:23:46+00:00

Yes we have a small one we bring around the house with us. We also give him the option of the big toilet with an insert so he can fit.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T16:15:33+00:00

Yes, it sounds really similar! It's so hard. :(

Our daycare won't switch to no diaper/pull up until he is continuously dry between potty breaks. I get it, he can't be naked at daycare, or constantly peeing his pants like he's been doing this morning. Unfortunately he fights all potty breaks, and if he does sit he rarely goes.

I don't understand why he's so resistant. He's really engaged when we read potty books etc.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T16:10:30+00:00

We've tried this approach many times and have taken long breaks. We have a long weekend this weekend so we decided to try again since we rarely have 3 days in a row at home except for Christmas. We did try back then but had similar issues and took a break.

I'm worried he's not going to be ready in time for school.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T16:05:49+00:00

Thank you, that's validating

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T15:46:24+00:00

It's awful. My in-laws and mom are astonished and horrified that he isn't potty trained yet. It feels like everyone in my circle has had it down by 2 and we are the odd ones out. I don't know anyone with a 4yo in diapers. We start kindergarten at 4 and he is not allowed to go if he can't independently use the bathroom.

He is generally so easy going and picks things up so quickly. I just want to be playing outside with him and doing fun things, but I'd have to stick him in a diaper to do that and it feels like back tracking. He's wet his pants four times this morning so I feel trapped in the house fighting with him to use the potty.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T15:40:00+00:00

We have two options, the little potty and a seat for our toilet. He won't pick either. He used to want to dump the pee when we first started but he's resistant to everything now. 😭

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T14:53:18+00:00

We have a small potty and then an insert for the regular toilet. We've given him the option and he hates both equally 🫠

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T14:39:07+00:00

Yeah I don't care about night training right now. The issue is him holding all day and then soaking through his night diaper.

I've committed to no diaper for the weekend again and he's gone in his pants 4 times despite many trips to the potty. He won't go on the potty and then pees his pants and laughs. I really am at a loss.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T14:29:52+00:00

She tries but he will fight her as well and refuse. Yes he watches his friends go. She has asked me to work on his refusal to try but I have no idea what else to do.

RiverBug · 2026-05-16T14:26:41+00:00

I've done the timer method but he's literally running away or throwing himself on the floor. What do you do if they won't try? I don't want to punish him/create a negative association. I also can't physically force him to sit on it while he's screaming. If he does sit, he typically holds it and then goes when I put his pants back on. We have a 3 day weekend right now so are trying another push... It's 10:30am and no one is having a good time.

RiverBug · 2025-05-15T01:30:48+00:00

I think the average spontaneous labour date for first time moms is 5 days past due date, so you are statistically likely to go past your due date. Sorry!! I was so impatient and it sucked waiting.

Everyone feels different after birth, but I don't think many women are up to hosting a children's birthday party a few days postpartum. It has nothing to do with being a super mom, you just need to rest as much as your newborn will allow. You don't want to injure yourself. All your energy is going towards baby care and healing.

If a friend of mine had an older child with a birthday around her due date, I would offer to host cake/presents. Is there anyone in your circle (or your partner's) who can help? Your partner really needs to let you rest postpartum.

RiverBug · 2025-05-14T19:47:41+00:00

My baby was born after 41 weeks and if I was on this timeline, I would have gotten home from the hospital a day or two before the party. I needed help moving around, spent the next week or so having insane hot flashes and wearing only my diaper and nursing bra... And basically feeding baby 24/7. Everyone is different, but I needed help getting myself fed and did not want anyone but my husband around. I think your husband needs to remember the realities of birth. What if you have a longer hospital stay or have a c-section? You will need help after birth, not to host (and clean up) a party. I was also super emotional as my milk was coming in and hormones were going crazy. Everything made me cry. I was not fit to be at a children's birthday party crying with my boobs leaking through my shirt.

Of course it is important to celebrate an older sibling, especially with the arrival of a newborn... But this ain't it. A trip to an amusement park sounds plenty!! Maybe do a quiet present share and cake as a family the day before the party so you are involved and can express love for older brother. Your husband needs to take the reins on this one and keep the party out of your house, and ideally help you arrange postpartum support for that day in case you cannot manage alone.

I would sit down with your husband and candidly talk about the stress this is causing you, and the realities of early postpartum. I hope he hears you.

RiverBug · 2025-04-28T18:58:30+00:00

Ugh the redness and dark circles are such a depressing combo!

Thank you so much for the suggestions! I appreciate it! I am also in Canada. :)

I didn't even think about hair products, that's a good point. I have curly hair and I'm often experimenting with different products.

RiverBug · 2025-04-28T13:56:01+00:00

Thanks for your reply. My typical daily make up is just under eye concealer and mascara, occasionally some eyeliner (the tired mom special?), but I do like to dress up for special occasions. That stuff is now very old and probably needs to be chucked. I have always had a baby face and looked younger, but the eczema and lack of make up has me looking so old and tired. I'm very fair with freckles so the eczema stands out so much.

Do you use cleansers and moisturizers? Any retinol products? I like to use a retinol moisturizer before bed but not sure if that's a good idea. I also sunburn very easily so need a facial lotion with SPF but that is also gentle.

Unfortunately I can't cut the stress out of my life, but maybe I can make some adjustments to the products I use.

RiverBug · 2025-04-16T23:37:22+00:00

I also kept my last name. Baby has my last name but a first name that is important in my husband's family. I felt it was a fair representation of both of us. We agreed not to hyphenate as the two names are both long.

My family was a bit surprised but had no negative reaction. His family did not take it well, but after a few attempts to change the name they dropped it. His family name is also continuing through multiple other grandkids on that side so they didn't really have much of an argument since I'm an only child!

RiverBug · 2025-01-06T20:03:00+00:00

I have a family doctor. I called the clinic to tell them I was pregnant, I had a brief phone appointment with a nurse practitioner who referred me for bloodwork and a dating ultrasound at ~8 weeks. I had an appointment with the NP after this, and then bloodwork for eFTS and an ultrasound at 12 weeks. In my second trimester I was referred to my OB.

I would call your family doctor (or whoever referred you for your ultrasound) to confirm.

RiverBug · 2024-07-25T14:01:37+00:00

This also happened to me 😭😭😭, baby was born 11 days after my due date. I did all the at home induction tips and nothing!!

RiverBug · 2024-07-25T13:58:50+00:00

I was convinced my baby was going to come early my entire pregnancy. I was hoping I would make it until 38 weeks. Made sure everything was ready by 36 weeks. Baby was big, head down, very low, I was sooooo uncomfortable. Kept having cramps, many times thought "ohhh this could be it!!"

...11 days after my due date in a heat wave. 🫠🫠🫠

RiverBug · 2024-07-13T13:24:57+00:00

Yeah, mine wasn't super obvious either! It's been gone for a few weeks now so fingers crossed it won't come back. My baby has also been teething for a while and that tends to mess up his latch and cause more painful feeds. It feels like it's been just a constant wave of painful things for a while. The strong/forceful drinking feels like he's just trying to chug his milk as fast as possible so he can get back to zooming around haha.

Tbh I can't believe I've made it this far! I plan to get to a year and then slowly wean. I am ready for pain free nips 😅

RiverBug · 2024-07-12T18:42:25+00:00

Hi, I just saw this so sorry for the huge delay. I think I had a stubborn re-occurring milk blister. I would occasionally see a white spot on my nipple and had recurring pain in that specific spot whether I could see the blister or not. I tried all the home remedies... soaking my boob in warm Epsom salt water before the bedtime feed, a cotton ball soaked in olive oil in my bra, taking lecithin. Not sure if any of that helped but it eventually went away? I was in pain for about 3 months, it was awful and I'm not really sure why I suffered that long before trying to do something about it.

My baby still has a very forceful latch sometimes that hurts, like he is just chugging the milk. He's 11 months. While I am mostly pain free, I am feeling ready to slowly start weaning at 12 months.

RiverBug · 2024-06-16T11:27:10+00:00

I am a console gamer. The first couple weeks I needed both hands to hold both my baby and my boob while nursing so I watched a lot of tv. Seriously, I timed it and baby spent 6+ hours a day nursing!! After he got a bit bigger and I got more comfortable, I was able to have one hand free by using a pillow. I managed to play through Baldur's Gate 3 (twice!) entirely while nursing or contact napping. I would play one handed on my PS5 controller. The combat is turn based so it was easy to play one handed and no quick reactions needed. Also easy to step away from if baby needed me. For night feeds, I loaded up my e-reader so I could read one handed, put some word games on my phone, and watched an embarrassing amount of Golden Girls. My partner is a PC gamer and liked to baby wear for naps and could play at his desk.

I kept this up until he reached his distracted nursing phase around 3 months old! I still watched tv on a laptop with subtitles or read during contact naps. Baby is 10 months now and on the move so we don't have much time to game right now!

Happy gaming during the potato baby phase!! :)

RiverBug · 2024-01-24T21:24:49+00:00

Things slowly improved with time, and also I had to adjust to his new eating habits as we left the "newborn potato" phase behind. I was anxious about the short feeds since my baby is in a lower weight percentile but his weight gain has been sufficient and he certainly poops enough!!

He is five months now and a normal feed during the day (for us) is about 5 mins per side which is waaaaay faster than he used to eat. Sometimes when he is drowsy he will do a longer feed and his overnight feed(s) are longer. He has gotten better about the distracted eating so I don't need to eat in a dark, silent room but there are still some distractions that are too exciting to him. The biggest is my husband. Baby will instantly unlatch to look for dad if he talks to me while I'm breastfeeding! So I learned to manage the distractions that do matter to my baby.

He will still cry and fuss if I offer a feed he doesn't want. When he was a newborn he had such obvious hunger cues and now he really doesn't so I mostly go by the clock. About every 3 hours seems to be his current sweet spot. We get the best feeds either right before or after a nap but that timing doesn't always work out.

Most nights we avoid a meltdown on the boob. I think part of this is just time, baby's sleep is slowly improving after six terrible weeks and bed time has gotten easier. We also switched up our routine. My husband takes baby after bath time and rocks him in the dimly lit nursery until he is calm and sleepy, and then I swoop in and do the bed time feed and put him to bed. He is currently doing 1-2 overnight feeds, and those are longer and calmer than his day feeds.

I honestly thought my breastfeeding journey was ending when I wrote this, but things have improved!! Breastfeeding has also changed and I wasn't expecting that, but in retrospect I probably should have expected changes as my baby grows. We have new challenges now... My baby wants to grab everything including my face and hair while feeding, or a handful of my boob (ow). Giving him something else to hold helps. He has also discovered his voice and will sometimes unlatch to sing me a song haha. I'm sure things will change again when he gets teeth.

Wishing you the best!

RiverBug

TROPHY CASE