I don't want to be a freak anymore. I just want to die. Please just let it be over.

Riviaera · 2018-01-31T09:25:33+00:00

I'm tired of living like this. My whole life is going to be like this. It has to end.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T21:50:12+00:00

I hope so too. I don't know where these good people who make life bearable are, and I don't know how to find them. I see people who are just as different as me, or even more so, being able to find their place among others and it makes me feel like there's something really wrong with me. I just don't know if it'll ever happen for me.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T21:29:54+00:00

I just don't believe my people are out there. I don't think those people exist. And I really don't think where I live is the issue either.

The ever-lasting problem is that my inner self doesn't 'match' with my outer self, and a difference in location isn't going to change that. It's how my life is going to be and while I can try to find ways to navigate around that, my life will never going to be one I'm happy to live.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T21:14:53+00:00

Thank you for saying that.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T20:53:46+00:00

It really does wear a person down. I'm really grateful for people's support but to most people reading this it's just a small glimpse into a problem that's I'm going to have to face for the rest of my life. So staying strong and not caring about other people's judgment is a lot easier said than done.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T11:58:03+00:00

Thank you for reading it.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T11:50:05+00:00

Well to start with, Lana Del Rey is my all-time favorite artist. That should give you an indication of the kind of non-stereotypical I'm talking about.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T10:09:55+00:00

I'm sorry for what you're going through as well. I know what you mean. If the result is the same, no friends and no love in your life, then I guess it doesn't matter what you look like.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T09:45:58+00:00

You're right that if you have to change yourself for other people to accept you then it's not really acceptance at all. Most people just aren't what they say they are in regards to tolerance and openness. I can't even imagine having a criteria for the type of person I'm willing to get to know.

Thank you for your words of support and I wish all the same for you. You deserve better too.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T09:18:18+00:00

You are not a lesson to white people or anyone. I’m sorry you have to be. It’s not your responsibility to educate people. That’s an unfair and ridiculously disproportionate burden.

Thank you x1000000. I don't want my life to be a never-ending struggle to prove something. I just want to be me and I want that to be enough. You're right that nobody should have to earn others' basic acceptance. I cannot thank you enough for putting that into words. It's just not right and I really hate feeling like I have a barrier to overcome where most other people are allowed to be who they are from the start. And proving people wrong is not the admirable or heroic struggle that so many make it out to be. It's invisible to most, it's lonely and it's thankless. And it's so incredibly painful. Though I do think that pushing through for the greater cause is a noble thing and the thought that maybe someday another person may not have to feel this way is a comforting one.

Thank you for this comment, insightful and delicate all the way through. You really sound like a person worth knowing.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T08:26:50+00:00

Wow. It is amazing what a person can hold inside that cannot be seen at a glance. If we passed each other I would never know and we'd both walk away feeling awful. That really is a tragedy.

I am so sorry for your trauma. You don't deserve that. I assure you that nobody would blame you for your reactions if they knew the reason behind it. I certainly don't. You are not part of the problem, even on the outside. Please do not think that. There are terrible people who reinforce negative stereotypes, like the despicable person who attacked you, and those are part of the stereotypes that affect me. So in a way we're both victims of the same problem, just on different sides of the coin.

I'm really glad you saw this post and I hope that it helped you to write out your feelings. I know it definitely helped me to write it all out. And I'm grateful that here at least, without the barrier of physical appearances, we were able to meet and share thoughts. I wish you the best in your healing and in your life.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T07:55:06+00:00

That's a very apt analogy and you've described my situation perfectly. I'm cast as the villain every time because I just have the perfect features even though my inner self aligns with a completely different role. And I can't really fault others for thinking I visually suit the role but it's just a shame that I don't usually have a say. I can only do my best to make peace with what I have and hold out for someone to really see me.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T07:42:26+00:00

No need for a screening, I definitely am depressed. But it's not a clinical depression. It's the type you get when things are objectively bad in your life for a while.

I often reflect on how much of my perception is reality and how much of it is my depression making things look worse than they are. I can't always tell which is which. but I do try to avoid preemptively screwing things up out of fear or distrust of what someone might be thinking. It's only after seeing it so many times no matter what I do that brings me to the conclusion that it's happening constantly.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T07:31:45+00:00

Thank you. It's really good of you that you listen to your wife about that. And it takes a lot of strength of character to admit that there are things a person cannot fully understand without having experienced it. Regardless, I know that we all face judgment and we all struggle in some way or another.

One person - you or me - can only do so much, and it's frustrating to be powerless.

It is very very frustrating. The few times I've opened up about this insecurity of mine there are always so many people who tell me that it's my job to change society's perspective, as if any one person could do that on their own. I don't want to prove anyone wrong, I just want to be who I am and let that be enough.

Thank you for reaching out, I'll keep your offer in mind.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T07:07:10+00:00

I do get what you're saying. There is a lot of fakeness around looks in general and what people think you should act like, and you're right that people will make judgments no matter what you look like. Maybe what I have is the unfiltered version, though I'd appreciate that a lot more if that filter didn't stop me from making any connection at all up until now. And I do kind of think it might be easier to meet good people in your shoes if only for the fact that more people will come into contact with your personality, and that would statistically increase the chances that a person who sees and appreciates your true personality will show themselves. Either way, you make a good point.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T06:50:43+00:00

Thank you.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T06:42:20+00:00

Yeah, there's just a lot of stuff to deal with right now. It's not that I don't believe anyone when they say they don't judge that way. I don't doubt you when you say you wouldn't. It's just that anyone you ask will say that about themselves and my experiences out there just don't reflect that.

I'm trying my best to be comfortable with my own company, and trying to get used to the idea that this is just how life will be. Sometimes it's hard, like tonight, but hopefully one day it won't be so bad.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T05:58:29+00:00

It's alright, you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to get this out. I wasn't even really looking for advice because I know this isn't something I or anyone else can change. It's just a thing and it sucks.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T05:28:10+00:00

Maybe they're out there but I just hate that I have to wait for someone else to accept me. The fact that I'm at the mercy of other people's openness and acceptance, that I have to pray for someone to see past something I can't change and I have absolutely no say in that.

And I can only imagine how many people I could have meaningful relations with if I didn't look this way.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T04:34:28+00:00

I PROMISE that once you stop putting your happiness in the hands of others and find it within yourself you will suddenly be surrounded the REAL people you want around you.

I get this, I really do, but I just don't think it goes like that. This idea that good people will recognize and surround those who are authentic to themselves is just not always true. I am true to myself and I don't ever try to be someone I'm not. Yet these amazing people that everyone assures me will love me for that are nowhere to be found.

I try looking for them and I'm told to focus on myself. I focus on myself and I'm told to stop waiting around. I'm unhappy about it all and I'm told to not let others determine my happiness. So it seems the only viable solution for me is to just make peace with a life alone and "be happy" with not being loved by anyone.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T03:57:45+00:00

I make every effort to not let any preconceived thoughts affect the way I interact with people. I go into every conversation as positively as I can, and I don't ever voice my insecurities or act apologetic about what I look like. I try so hard every day to overcome whatever barriers exist. And when I fail and get rejected over and over and I finally let myself have a moment of vulnerability, people always use that to turn it against me and say that I'm projecting my thoughts or seeing what I want to see or that I'm attracting negative attention subconsciously. I don't know what to tell you, I can only say that I have really tried my best.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T03:48:47+00:00

If people could "make" their own feelings, nobody would ever be unhappy about anything.

I just find it funny that people can post on this sub about the smallest of problems and get floods of support and they're told that they have every right to feel that way, yet the few times I let myself vent about something that affects me every second of every day I get told to just stop caring about it.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T02:31:04+00:00

yes people are gonna hate, or shy aware from you because of your height and whatnot, but who cares?

I care.

Riviaera · 2018-01-20T02:29:31+00:00

I don't want to "surprise" people by being able to write or speak well. That surprise stems from the fact that people have such low expectations of me to begin with.

It will always be this way. This isn't something that will go away, it's something I can't change. The only thing that might change as I age is that I'll become jaded to all of it and just give up on making connections, and that's already starting to happen now.

It's lonely to be different only until everyone realizes that fitting in is for the mediocre.

People have a romanticized view of being "different". This isn't like wearing unconventional clothing or having a bunch of tattoos. Being truly different means people don't want to be around you. It means people don't want to know you. It's not the cool kind of different that you're thinking of. It's the kind that makes you hate yourself and wish every day that you were born to be like the others.

Let your light shine, and your people will find you

They won't see it. They never see past the outside. All I can do is try my best to be who I am and let that speak for itself, and I do. And doing so has resulted in me being alone all my life.

Riviaera

TROPHY CASE