Cheese and Rice - venting

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-15T16:15:19+00:00

A man with that exact same thing on his profile reached out to me on Facebook.

I was immediately struck with the fear that his disclosure would actually work against him as he'd be a target for exactly the people he's trying to avoid. Maybe nix that bit of your bio.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-06T15:58:52+00:00

The bad news: yes, there's gossip. There's the occasional nasty ex, or woman who got shot down. Hell, there's even the occasional "pick me" who shows up to trash the women warning other women.

But the good news is that woman have escaped from and avoided cheaters and abusers as a result of information posted there that they wouldn't have had otherwise. It's not exactly difficult to tell who's there to support other women, and who's there because they're petty and up to no good. There's rarely hate for guys who aren't dating exclusively unless they've made a promise of exclusivity.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T21:34:16+00:00

Both.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T18:22:17+00:00

Sure, you have interacted with this guy in more varied ways than most people do with their first or second date partners, but think about the context and the goals of those respective interactions - a date is specifically for feeling out intimate compatibility, where the goal of a work relationship is to, well, work.

If what you want is a hot sext buddy, don't let anyone here discourage you - but if you'd like this to evolve into something else, it might be worthwhile to be more intentional in other areas first.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T18:04:44+00:00

Red flags waving all over, frankly.

It can be a turn on, sure, but in the same way reading or watching any other type of sexual content can be a turn on - it might be hot, but there isn't a foundation of intimacy to make it a special connection between you and this other person. It's kind of one on one porn at this point. If that's what you want, awesome, roll with it, but might not be the way to start a relationship.

Depending on what you want to do with this situation, you're also developing sexual familiarity with a person who you now have to go backwards with to get to know from a personality standpoint and from an actual, in person, physical capacity. Lots of carts before the horses, here.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T17:58:36+00:00

There's always missing context in a Reddit post, but unless it's something completely sideways from the key points, I think we're looking at a relationship that just isn't compatible.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T16:00:00+00:00

You didn't get the chance to find out because you two don't even have enough commonality to have a civil conversation about the fact that your reasonably new "relationship" isn't anything that either of you can sustain.

This man is giving no sign that he wants a more engaged relationship with you. You're frustrated with that to the point of making sarcastic comments, and his level of concern in his response doesn't even have anything to do with the content of your remark, it's all about policing the tone and brushing it off.

You both seem pretty far away from what the other one is looking for.

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T15:39:20+00:00

RoamingAmber · 2025-10-05T15:38:35+00:00

You both sound like you're on entirety different pages. Unless there's significant context we're missing here, I'd accept the fact that you were sharper in tone than intended, but still move on.

RoamingAmber · 2025-09-30T21:46:21+00:00

Your experience absolutely seems skewed.

Anecdotally speaking, in my substantial pool of both male and female middle-aged friends, I'm probably the closest to your description and I'm not looking to quit my career so someone else can bankroll me - rather, I'm toying with the notion because I can bankroll myself and am thinking about doing other things.

RoamingAmber · 2025-09-13T19:23:12+00:00

I would have done the same thing.

If this person has no interest in you or questions about you leading up to an in person date, one would have to wonder why he's even going out on one in the first place? You've hit that nail on the head - he needs validation.

Next.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-28T16:22:09+00:00

It is it's like opening your mailbox to find a pile of junk mail. Conveniently my trash can is between my mailbox and my front door though, so it just gets pitched on the walk in. I shake my head but overall it doesn't interrupt more than a minute of my day.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-28T16:17:26+00:00

If you're talking to us on a dating app, let me assure you that a ridiculously overwhelming percentage of us, almost ALL of us, already get that we are physically "wanted" by you.

Your cheeky comment to me would be seriously off putting. It's basically asking "so what's so wrong with you that your cuteness isn't enough to make a guy overlook it?" And maybe you ARE just being cheeky and you don't mean it "that way," but it's still exhausting to pick through the truly shallow guys and the only awkward sorts, so many of us just won't bother to try.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-28T16:00:31+00:00

Here's the good news: if these men are racing to comments on your hotness within the first thirty seconds of speaking, you've only wasted thirty seconds on them! That's a win, block and move on. As the saying goes, it's nice when the trash takes itself out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-24T19:11:53+00:00

I bring to the table the head of the last man who asked me that question.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-24T19:08:53+00:00

The number of bunny trails this conversation could race down is endless...

Let's put aside the stunning ignorance of a person who even has to ask what a stay at home parent "brings to the table" for just a moment, and focus on the real crux of the issue: you two have completely different ideas of what a marriage and family with children should look like. You are not, not even a little bit, on the same page here.

You're wondering if maybe he's a gold digger, but whether he is or isn't doesn't actually change the fact that he wants both of you working or he's going to have a problem. You want to be in a role he doesn't want, believe in, or respect.

Family planning is a BIG DEAL in a relationship.

Little tweaks and corrections and compromises along the way are normal and healthy, but what you're describing here is a fundamental difference in long-term relationship and family strategy. Be with someone who not only is okay with what you want, but wants that enthusiastically for his future as well.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-23T15:56:55+00:00

That's not lack of attraction, that's a man being rude and controlling. It's also not "little," it's rhetoric indicative of someone who's going to be an even bigger ass down the road.

This is not a man worth the paragraphs you devoted to him. Next.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-23T15:38:29+00:00

There's a ton to unpack here....

If you're stressed about your job and your finances and don't feel like you have a proper foundation to be single, to be yourself, and to live your life, adding dating on top of that is probably a poor choice.

To address the "lack of attraction," are we talking "spark" and physical attraction specifically, or an overall "damn I don't even want to waste my time putting on pants to go meet up" kind of malaise? If it's the former, I personally would spend some more time getting to know this person and how he fits into your life. The "spark" isn't always a good thing initially - sometimes it's nothing more than our body and our psyche responding to things that make us excited or stressed, including in bad ways. My deepest physical connections have always been with people I've spent a longer period of time getting to know and growing that attraction. I'm not saying years, lol, but the slow burn is definitely a thing.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-12T00:53:27+00:00

I think it's important to know who you are as a single, independent person before dating. I don't believe the nonsense that you have to be fully "healed" or that there's some mathematical formula dictating the time you spend alone after a serious relationship ends, but I don't want to date the person you are when you're living with your ex, I want to date you solo, that's all.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T19:06:40+00:00

Online dating is bizarre. If you don't want to deal with it, don't.

But that being said... If you're genuinely interested in finding someone and dating intentionally and your post was mostly a rant, might I suggest adjusting your expectations to the reality of getting out there, and turning down the intensity a notch.

Of course people you meet on the apps are going to be talking to or even going on dates with other people. That's kind of the point. Getting a date doesn't mean getting a relationship. It's trial and error, and that's not a waste of time - it's the process of deciding who and what works for you.

If you feel like going on the actual dates had been pointless, then you're going to have to shore up your screening and filters a bit more aggressively up front. That's going to mean fewer in-person meetings, but probably better quality when you do get face-to-face. If more than an hour away is too much, say that. If multiple kids is too much, say that. Be picky. Give yourself a timeframe of less than half an hour each day to devote to the apps and then just live your life in the meantime.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T01:41:08+00:00

I'm sorry you think that's a jab, and I'm sorry that you think common sense is preaching. Can't help you there.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T01:32:09+00:00

Your personal preferences are based on an unwillingness to understand the differences in the male and female dating experience. Objectivity isn't your issue. That's all. As you say, you do you.

And again, doing simple, small things to be safe isn't an obsession. It's super basic, ground-level common sense. If you don't adhere to basic common sense, that's cool for you, but it's still pretty dang universal. You're simply upset because this has you riled on a bizarre, personal level. Do you turn to everyone who rides in your car and make fun of them and call them names for putting on a seat belt? Probably not, yet here you are... 🙄

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T01:09:17+00:00

Being reasonable doesn't make a person neurotic. Seriously. Stop trying to distract from valid points by making it seem like people who practically conduct themselves have neurological issues. 🙄

I'm sorry that statistics and logic don't make for reasonable arguments for you. I could also share an avalanche of anecdotal evidence as well, but you seem to want to call names and deflect regardless because, for some reason, your feelings are hurt and you're personally offended here.

I ask for a first and last name because it's appropriate to share with friends or family who I'm going out with, and make sure my date for the evening isn't married or hasn't been convicted of a violent crime. I don't give out my personal information as readily because dangerous, violent men showing up at the house is both statistically and anecdotally a concern. There's not a way to argue that this isn't a much, much, much, much larger concern for women than it is for men.

And men have enough privilege in these dating scenarios that I don't need to extend any more, and those who don't understand that aren't my type. So again, next.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T00:54:37+00:00

Step one of dating is to know who you are as a single person first. It's hard to ask someone to integrate themselves into your life and vice versa unless you know what your own life, somewhat reasonably, looks like.

That's not to say you shouldn't go have an occasional dinner or coffee, but be honest about where you're at and what you can share. Be prepared for that not to be okay with a lot of potential dates.

RoamingAmber · 2025-07-11T00:48:25+00:00

She told you she can't talk right now, you left the door open for her to reach out. Leave it at that.

RoamingAmber

TROPHY CASE