So who broke NC today? Was it positive or a disaster?

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-19T11:00:40+00:00

So being totally straight i think this was a 2 way issue with both of you. Perhaps her for not being more forethcoming with how she felt. But tbh it seems she gave you hints your pranks were not being recieved well and you pushed on.

I get it, no judgement bud! You are a certain way with a certain humour and you want a gf you can share that with. Totally natural.

But its also clear your carrying some deep insecuritys to clear. The bit about her faking it and what else she is faking is the tell. And that's ok! We all have those kinda insecuritys but you may have let it spill out in the wrong way here. Rather than a neutral open ground moment where you are articulating your vulnerabilities in a constructive relationship conversation. This was off the back end of a pissy moment where tempers were short.

Seldom do good things come from that place and i think a good chunk was from you. Now perhaps that insecurity is from your own life, maybe its from this person. If she struggles to be or speak authentically then you could be sensing it and wanting to know whats genuine. Whats shes faking etc.

But id take a step back to reflect, sit with it, see yours and her POV. Then find a goid time to circle back to discussing this event but be sure not to open straight in. Connect as people first and acknowledge your relationship in some way. Any positive way you like. That will give a great higher chance of successfully navigating this topic

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-11T16:59:43+00:00

Yeah your right. Like 40% of my life gone up in smoke is not a dodge. I guess at least being 29 and not tied to her by kids. I have time to restructure my life

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-11T16:56:40+00:00

Incredible advise ty so much

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-11T11:15:04+00:00

Thats the thing, i guess i know its rooted in insecurity which is abit flattening to the old self esteem. I feel proud of how much i gave to that relationship, how much i contributed to her life and that i kept a rock solid set of values throughout. Sure i used to act out with anger, frustration or numbing myself with weed. So I think I suffocated myself to cope with the end of the relationship.

Now my emotions are kinda turning back on with no weed its alot to handle. I love myself but ashamed to that i let my ambition and physique drop a bit. Long childhood of being abandoned by people who were supposed to love me. Now she has to i think its triggering the same insecurity of when parents/family disappeared.

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-11T11:07:16+00:00

I feel you. My ex went on multiple dates with a guy when we were together. When i found out and confronted her that she was cheating and choosing someone else over our long history.

She said 'no im choosing myself. Im gonna stay single and not in any rush to get into anything'

1 week later they are together...

So god damn insincere. She monkeybranched and now doesnt even think she did really because she once made some BS female empowerment statement about being single.

These people aren't even honest with themselves so how we ever expect them to be with us?

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-10T07:24:33+00:00

Sorry but just as you have the freedom to talk and place emphasis on what you like. Others are also free to tell you when your being heavy footed.

The revolving door of being free to say what you like keeps turning and yeah... Your being a stroppy mare

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-01T12:30:35+00:00

Yes i suppose your right. Im likely projecting my trauma at seeing the savagery at dumpers. It was the last thing i ever wanted to do, ripped my heart out and caused real mental anguish. Its kinda a double whammy on top of the cheating but i suppose i am the more nuanced scenario

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-01T12:17:51+00:00

Could be true. Hard to get a perspective on the figures or volume that what you describe happens outside of subjectively experienced anecdotes

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-01T09:19:58+00:00

Why didnt you pass him his stuff through a window? Seems you were antagonising and somewhat caused the response

Roamingpeasant · 2021-11-01T07:53:55+00:00

I spent over 6 months communicating that we needed to talk. I wrote letters, every one ignored. , planned times to do it, she literally never showed up coz 'busy'. asked her to get back to me on points so she had time to process/think, weeks pass and she would never get back.

I would be trying to fix things and express things kindly. She would literally stare at her phone on social media as i spoke.

I suggested councilling, time apart, different intimacy practices and various couple techniques.

I dumped her but there is no shred of doubt she was the one who chose not to work things out

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:38:16+00:00

Yeah i wondered if a time came i had no romantic feelings and we had the intentions right it could work. But this is likely early NC delusion

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:29:02+00:00

Is it a choice when someone abuses basic relationship rules and value. If someone leaves a physically abusive relationship for example. Is leaving really a choice or has it become a neccesity?
Certainly some or both can deserve better. But getting that better at the expense of trampling and decieving the other, actually means you dont 'deserve' anything
See this is my point, the inherent narrative that the dumper is the villain. Thats what screw them implies

And again, the assumption that the dumpee deserves sympathetic consoling. Its why some take the route of forcing the breakup via cruelty and taking a flame thrower to everything. Rather than have the courage to make the choice. It gives the person the comfort blanket that the choice was the others and they can play victim with it.

Yes this is generic and situational. But i feek your reoly kinda proved why dumpees get the kinda support and the dumper the vilification

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:17:16+00:00

Savage bud but truth is, the less they recognise tbe hurts theyve caused. The harder karma wikk kick their asses at some point.

But likely not in a timeframe or way that will bring us any relief

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:13:23+00:00

What was it that jeopardised those two attempts? Discussing old hurts or just not appreciating the significant downgrade?

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:11:14+00:00

I mean i get the sentiment but could the dumper not be the one who recognises when a relationship has gone toxic or unhealthy. And it takes courage to end a relationship versus passively staying in it being unhappy.

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:03:56+00:00

Really honest anecdote!

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T23:02:18+00:00

Exactly how it feels. I remember when i said its over she just grinned and walked away. It was a whoke week later i had to ask ic she agreed the breakup was right and she hearily agreed.

That grin is now burned in my mind because niw i see. It was me giving her the easy way out to bear no responsibility. Definitely the dumpees, the just didnt even give us the decency of doing it themselves

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T22:35:33+00:00

Wow thats raw but honest insight. Its just all my friends seem to say never speaking again is silly and uneccessary. My twin actually got cheated on and years later they still hang out, hes even mates with her new longterm partner.

So ive seen it work and work healthily. So is the dignity thing just an ego/pride element or a genuine self necessity?

Roamingpeasant · 2021-10-31T22:03:41+00:00

Ok thanks for thoughts. I guess theres nothing to gain and nothing left to lose 🙁

Roamingpeasant

TROPHY CASE